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Wednesday, 23 March 2016

It's been over a year

I hate stating the obvious, but I feel like I have to. It's been over a year.

It's been over a year since I last wrote a blog post. It's been over a year since I left the A's house. It's been over a year with ... 

It's been long enough I've forgotten how my own system of names works. It would seem the correct name is SI, though I can't, for the life of me, remember what it stands for or how I came up with it. I did go through the trouble of reading every post tagged with his name but I couldn't figure it out even after finding the exact one where I came up with the name. Système International? Special/Significant Individual? It's not Significant Other, as I coined the term distinctly before we were in a relationship. Maybe it will come to me.

Back on track. 

Why am I writing again? For the same reason I started writing in the first place. I need someone to talk to and I can't have this conversation with anyone I know. Well, maybe I could talk to EBF but I doubt that's a very good idea. I can talk to SI about almost anything but I don't think it's a good idea to bring this up. Ok, there's more than one thing I want to talk about, but I'm beating around the bus, as I usually do when there's something I can't get out of my mind but I can't get out through my fingers either.

I'm not saying I will. I'm not saying I want to. I'm not saying it's ok in any way. I'm just putting it out there. For the first time, I've started to understand the feelings of someone who cheats on their significant other. Let me explain.

There's three jobs, but it doesn't matter which. At work, there's this guy. He has a fantastically sarcastic and dark sense of humour. He's a bit of a know-it-all (who makes flaws, I've overheard them!). SI have talked about how he's someone we'd like to be friends with and have a beer with. Him. I've noticed something recently. Our interactions went from "barely acknowledging each other's presence" to me noticing that he's greeting me and saying goodbye. I'll greet and say goodbye right back, I can be polite too. We've engaged in modicum amounts of small talk, where I've mentioned my interest in Russian literature and puzzles. I've been getting the feeling, for about a week now, that he's interested in me. 

In true high school girl fashion, I've done some light facebook stalking. I may have even shown SI, if only for the purpose of pointing out that the person online is nothing like the person we work with and makes for interesting deductions. I can't tell SI what I think about this guy being interested in me. I can't tell SI that the thought has crossed my mind and, if I weren't otherwise engaged, I might actually consider his interest seriously. I can't tell SI that I had a dream about this guy. In the dream, we talked and he seemed under the impression that I liked him, so in a very bold move, as he was saying goodbye, he leaned in to kiss me. I remember myself thinking about SI and deliberately avoiding his lips, which hurt his feelings. And later in the same dream I tried to kiss him. Because I felt bad about hurting his feelings, but also because I was oddly attracted to him. I don't know how to explain any of it. 

I just needed somewhere to put these thoughts down, because I feel like if we talk more and grow closer, the thought of him saying something isn't so outrageous. He may not know about SI. I needed a space to sit with my thoughts and lay them all down to look them in the face. I need someone to talk to, still. I just don't know what to make of any of this.

Maybe the sense of being fancied at work is heightened by my special student. Intellectual limitations be damned, I've felt sexually harassed by her. Who wouldn't, when someone is masturbating to you right in front of you as you are paid to try to work with them on academics? I can't. I can't with her touching herself and smelling her fingers. It's too much. I hate that my boss has apparently found a bypass to finding someone else to work with her by speaking to the parents somehow. It hasn't happened again since I brought it up but I still don't feel safe, I just have this fear that it hasn't happened again yet


I was going to say I felt half proud of my writings when I looked over them trying to find the origins of SI, but this post is all over the place. It is disconnected and untidy. It needs work. For the purposes of laying it all out, it's fine. But I want to get to writing again. I want to get a rhythm going. I want to be better at writing so that I can amuse myself with short stories and phrases.

For now, I have this: "she was sweet beyond her years."