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Friday, 2 January 2015

A start to the new year

This year promises to be unlike other years. Quite a lot is going on and, frankly, I don't know what to expect on any front.

Most notably, if not most importantly, is the fact that I am in a relationship. That's big. It's huge. I... I don't know what to make of it. On the one hand, there's this cosmical rightness about it: the feeling that things fell into place just so we could be together; the fact that we feel so strongly about each other and feel so comfortable and happy. On the other... I wonder when it's going to go wrong because I worry that we may not be mature enough and we only just pretend to be. Out of my hands is the fact that I don't know if I'll get a job soon enough that I can make things work with SI. 

I love the fact that we can talk about pretty much anything. Yes, I know there's at least one thing he's not telling me and, you know what? I don't remember even vaguely what it could possibly be about. I just know that some things he's not comfortable with and I both understand and respect that. The mere possibility of asking questions and getting honest answers is a power I don't know how to use just yet. I'm still surprised by his frankness and feel nosy asking questions.

Case in point, he said his ex was his first. I had no idea. I somehow figured he was more experienced. I haven't asked about his number, though I know he wouldn't mind the question. I've convinced myself I don't really care about the answer but I'm scared. Here's the thing: I don't hold sexual experience against anyone. I know there's the ex, and I know there was a friends with benefits arrangement last summer, from what he's told me. And that's what bothers me: from what he's told me. I've heard a number of things. There's the fact that Tx said he proposed a no strings attached sex sesh with her. There's YAP telling me that he went out to get a one night stand when he and his ex broke up. I have to wonder how many others there were. The way he speaks about some things he sounds quite knowledgeable... I know, I know. I know quite a few things without being experienced myself, but the way he speaks about what's normal and just how little's left of his bottle of lube (or how he was prepared for sex) brings up questions. Where did he get all of this experience? More importantly, what does sex mean to him?

He doesn't call it "having sex" with me. He says he'd like to "make love" to me. And it's always been that, making love. He said it was an extension of his feelings for me, another way to be affectionate towards me. Well, what about the other times? 

While we're on the same topic, there's something I should address and I've been too much of a coward to: oral sex without any kind of barrier. I should have asked if he was clean. I should have gotten myself tested to find out if I was clean. See? This is what I mean by us acting like we're mature and maybe not being there just yet.

More areas, besides, sex, where we act like we're mature? Talking about the future. He's expressed his desire to be with me long term and he's brought up the fact that he can see himself married to me, starting a family with me, several times now. He figures all that's keeping us from getting married is financial stability and, after a brief conversation about it, the ballpark guess, after two months of dating, is that we should date for four years or so before getting married. We're talking about getting married. Not even three months after our first kiss. That's far away in the future. Coming up soon is the possibility of me moving in with him. It would be temporary and mostly so I don't have to live with the As anymore while I get myself up on my own two feet. He said he'd talk to his roommate and send me information about a study he read somewhere that concluded couples who moved in together before getting married have a higher chance of breaking up/getting a divorce. I have to confess, it makes financial sense and I actually would enjoy living with him and coming home to him every night and sleeping in the same bed as him every night. I practically lived with him for the last couple of weeks before travelling and I think we did a fairly good job. 

That's the thing, though. That is precisely the thing. I think we're too easily fooled into thinking we're doing a great job as a couple when really we have absolutely no clue what we're doing. And that's scary. We're playing this thing by ear and he's so focused on doing the right thing and being a good guy and I have no idea what I'm doing. 

I really have no idea. I'm terrible at planning for the future in any kind of way.

I have to finish my thesis. I let down Pf2. I let down the nice maths professor. I let down the professor who could have given me a job for Spring if only I'd been a bit more insistent and there last semester. I had a dream where I tried to explain all this and I felt awful about the whole situation. I need to find a job. The jobs I've applied for, so far, start no earlier than August. Let me say that again: August. I need something to work by March, at the latest. 

But, you see, I procrastinated. I put off doing things and I kept telling myself I could get a job literally anywhere and that would keep a lot of windows open. And then SI happened and now I've really cut my options. The worst part of it is I'm glad I didn't get anything else going for me because then I'd be stuck leaving SI and that's the last thing I want to do right now.

Are you reading the words that are coming out of my fingers? We've been together maybe two months and I'm already planning my life around him! This is ridiculous!


Speaking of cosmical rights and wrongs... Remember SmTn? Longest time no talk. I left him a Merry Christmas greeting. No answer. I wanted to wish him a happy new year but I feel like leaving it alone, really. Unless he talks to me. And then I have no idea what I'm doing.


I'm all over the place, I know. I'm sorry. Back to SI and things I've heard about him... I don't know if I should tell him about my conversation with YAP. I don't know if I should tell him about the things I've heard about him. I want to ask him about the time I had a Freudian slip and said "let's do it!" while we were making out in his car when all I meant was "let's hug!" or "let's keep making out!" but he freaked out and said it was too soon. I don't fucking know. About anything. I want to have this conversation with him but I don't know if it's something that should wait until we can talk in person or if I can  even have that conversation in person, in which case I should try to do it online while we "have" to do it online. 

He's on my mind a lot, if you couldn't tell already. 

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