Search This Blog

Saturday, 20 December 2014

It has been a month

To the day? What day? I have no idea! The last post is what I'm using for reference, but I'm guessing that's not entirely accurate either. 

SI and I are now officially in a relationship. It's all but facebook official. We're exclusive, we talk about the future in ways that could scare many others and make them cringe, we enjoy each other's company, pamper one another, he's met my parents and extended local family, we have sex with enough regularity that I think I've got a UTI and it will have to wait until I'm in a land with more affordable healthcare. We said "I love you." 

It was yesterday morning. We woke up, in bed, and we cuddled a bit. He used the restroom and came back to bed. Then I used the restroom (for the nth time... like I said, cystitis), and I came back to bed. When I hopped in I said "Hello, you." He asked me to repeat myself and I did. He said "I love you too." It was a comical misunderstanding stemming from the fact that we'd been dying to say the words for a while. He was the tiniest bit upset about not being the one to say it first, seeing how he felt it first and was the first to hint at wanting to say it, so I let on that I actually hadn't technically said "I love you" when he thought I had. 

That's where we are. That's life now. We talk about vacations together. He wants to get my parents a Christmas present. I'm trying to find him doctors. I cook for him and he helps do some of my laundry. Aunt A doesn't like it much but now I practically live here and, you know what? I like it. It's closer to work. I get to wake up next to a wonderful man who loves me, who I love, and makes me visibly happier. So much so I'm (very irresponsibly) weaning myself off of the antidepressants, though that's technically also because I'm too ashamed to schedule an appointment with the psychiatrist. 

I love him. We fool around, play cyclops, coy and Spiderman, have tickle fights and silly moments where he licks my eyelids or makes fun noises with his mouth in mine. As of Thursday night, when he met the family here, and declared "So I guess we're serious" (technically for the second time, as he'd already Skyped with my parents on Monday), he calls me "babe" and "hon" and "sweetie" and I'm working on it, I swear I am, but all I can muster is "hon" and "babe" on rare occasion. He's sweet and affectionate and he communicates openly and honestly with me. There are few things he keeps to himself but, honestly, he shares more than I would expect anyone to and I can see how some things are just hard to voice. 

The sex is good. There are struggles, I'll admit, but they are for the most part beyond both of our controls. I wish I could have a greater part in his orgasms than turning him on, but I can understand him wanting to take care of himself and I like the fact that he knows what he likes. For now, I don't mind when he puts on a show for me. I'm working on being more adventurous and playful myself. I have to admit the prudishness is getting to me, a little, and sometimes it's hard to voice what I want, but I love the fact that he'll ask me and he will be vocal about what he likes and enjoys, setting a good example to follow. I don't know why I find it worth noting that today was my first time receiving oral and... well, let's just say I understand what the fuss is about. I wish I could reciprocate and get him off too, as I sometimes feel a bit insecure in my inexperience and lack of natural skill. It is off limits, though. What a predicament! Wanting to give your partner oral sex and being refused... Goodness knows I can't afford it, but I kind of want to give him an expensive Christmas gift. Something he can't afford but quite desperately wants. He'd never accept. All I can do for the time being is help with the smaller things so he can save up by himself. 

So there. We're officially a couple, he can picture us forming a family one day, I can at least see us making it through to the next Christmas (when we will hopefully be together), we are exclusive, serious and in it for the long term. This is a big series of firsts. 

He's my first real relationship. The first person to actually give me an orgasm. My first time with penetrative sex. My first time receiving oral sex. The first partner I formally introduce to family and bring to family reunions. The first person I have tickle wars with as an adult. The first person to say he can see himself growing old with me. The first person I trust with my computer (and all passwords stored there), my credit card and car. The first person I have felt safe being vulnerable with, whether that means being naked and trying to not care about my body image issues or speaking about the life with the As and breaking into tears. He's the first person I'll take compliments from on a daily basis. 

I have to be careful. YAP warned me SI will get too engrossed by the relationship and will leave his friends to the side. I am trying to make sure we get to go out with friends on our own time. I am trying to get along with his roommate and ease tensions when they come up in conversation regarding the roommate and the ex. I have to listen to actions rather than words. I have to be aware of any growing resentment from my 1950s need to take care of him and be his housewife or I will turn into his mother. I must remind myself of the differences rather than force-feed myself lies about how similar we are(n't). I should beware his interest in drinking. I should make sure I don't alienate my friends to be with him and keep myself from procrastinating so much because of all the time I spend with him instead of doing things I'm supposed to.