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Monday, 10 November 2014

Insecurities

Here's the thing: we kissed. He and I kissed. We went out for coffee on Thursday night, we talked for hours, I told him I had a crush on him, he said he had a bit of a crush on me too, he wrapped one arm around me, I wrapped both of mine around him, our faces were close and, as we continued to talk about the drunk people on the other side of the street, our faces were just very close and we kissed.

I was ecstatic. I couldn't believe he liked me back. I couldn't believe we'd made it to the point where we got to kiss. I couldn't believe he'd said yes to going out on a real date with me (though the details were yet to be agreed upon).

One weekend later, I'm fearing the worst and it's LesMisGuy's fault.

There are differences, of course. He has actually shared a lot more with me than LesMisGuy ever did. He's shared his insecurities, fears, memories and troubles with me with a refreshing degree of honesty and straightforwardness that made me worry he thought of me as nothing more than a friend. I was never really friends with LesMisGuy. He and I can talk for long periods of time about anything. We get each other's humour. We enjoy each other's company. We can have intelligent conversations about a variety of subjects. There is an actual back and forth in our interactions. Sometimes, when I'm worried he's stopped answering my facebook messages and I'm feeling stupid about sending them, he'll apologise for not responding a couple of days later and acknowledge the fact that it may have upset me. I'll dismiss it out of politeness, but I like that he does it anyway. I've told him a lot of things. I'm not sure I've been as deeply honest as he has, but I feel comfortable telling him anything and everything.

Well... most anything and everything.

You see, I told him I fancied him and he already knew, yet he did nothing until I said it. Even then, I was the one to ask him out on a date afterwards. He did, in his defence, almost kiss me once and then I understood what he was going for and just went for it when our faces were close again. He did offer his arm and a reassuring embrace after admitting to liking me too. But he was also a bit silent and he asked how long I'd felt this way about him without revealing how long he's felt this way about me. I know it hasn't been as long, and I'm okay with it. I know he probably doesn't like me quite as much as I like him and I'm okay with it. I know his exgirlfriend was pushy and controlling and a bit manipulative and pretty much demanded to be in a relationship with him and I'm avoiding any kind of clinginess that can remind him of that.

We kissed on Thursday night (really Friday early morning). Friday afternoon I sent him a text message with a smiley face and he responded with another smiley face. I felt reassured because I'd wondered if I was supposed to say something after the fact when I got back and I didn't but then again he didn't either. At least the smiley face somehow indicated he was happy about it, right? ...Sort of? ......Maybe?

Saturday we spoke for a little while before he had to head out to work. At work, he started texting me because he was bored and was wondering what I was up to. I was tempted to go there but refrained because he explicitly said he didn't so much want to meet as was just bored. But I told my friends and they agreed to come with me to his workplace under the excuse of studying together. It was going well, I think, until things got busy and he got very stressed. My friends left us alone after he closed the store, maybe hoping something would happen. We talked a little about the grown up life but I felt awkward trying to hug him (even under the pretext of the cold weather we're enjoying) and he didn't try anything. We hugged goodbye as usual and left it at that. He said he'd come to tango on Sunday. He said he'd get off work at 6, go home to change and meet us at 7 for a while until he had to go to a friend's place around 9. And then he didn't show up for tango. And he didn't in any way contact me to let me know he wasn't coming.

I was planning on asking when he'd be free to go out on a date. I was planning on holding his hand while dancing, staring into his eyes and laughing and sharing a different kind of closeness this time. I was planning on maybe whispering in his ear "I have a crush on you" just to see him smile at what has to be one of the cheesiest jokes. I started planning ahead and I really shouldn't do that because planning ahead requires assumptions and assumptions are the one thing I can't make when it comes to people I fancy because any of my guesses will be biased.

I worry that going to his workplace was too much and it showed neediness. I worry that maybe I'm an awful kisser and he has absolutely no interest in helping me practice. I worry that he's just not that interested and is keeping up with me on a "why not?" basis rather than true interest. I'm worried because I like him a lot and I'm already invested in this and I know for a fact he's not supposed to like me back as much as I do him and he owes me nothing, yet I feel disappointed just thinking about the possibility. I'm worried about when we'll get to go out on that date because he agreed to it but we never settled on the details. He'll be working a lot this week and I will be working late most likely. If he's working until midnight, as is most likely, that doesn't leave a lot of time for us to go out on that date. Moreover, it really cuts down on our cheap/free date options and as much as I'd like to buy him lunch/dinner he will not be happy to have me pay for it. I wanted to do "watching the sunset" on a parking lot and just bring snacks but maybe there will not be a comfortable place to sit while we're there. My friends suggested sandwiches at the park, but then someone has to bring the sandwiches. 

I wish he would show more initiative. I wish he had ideas. I wish he would talk to me more and would come up with excuses to see me so I didn't have to use up all of mine. I wish he would call and just ask if I'd like to join him for coffee. I wish... I wish.

I'm not hoping he would, I'm wishing. Wishing

If that tells you nothing about how insecure I am, I'm not sure what will. Shall I give him a name? It almost feels wrong to, at this point, but I'll go ahead anyway. SI. 

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