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Wednesday, 12 November 2014

Insecurities, Part II

I had dinner with YAP tonight. I told him about the kiss. He expressed concerns. He's afraid I'll come out of this heartbroken because I care for SI more than he does for me. He's afraid SI is using me as a rebound, that SI is only superficially attracted to me, that SI is not ready for a relationship because he doesn't know how to live outside of one or in one, that SI is needy and I will end up being a mother more than a girlfriend. YAP pointed out that SI and I are opposites and that, though opposites attract, it's bound to create an imbalance in any sort of relationship. I'm worried for a number of reasons. 

I'm worried because out of all the hardships YAP described, I couldn't stop thinking about two things: YAP thinks we're going to end up together, and I liked it. I'm worried because YAP tried to scare me away and give me fair warning but I still want to go for it. SI is going through a lot? I want to help him through it. SI will want to spend a lot of time with me? I will want to spend a lot of time with him too. SI will break my heart? I'm fully aware. Well, maybe not fully, but definitely aware.

I keep going back to this reflection I was having last week during group therapy. I started thinking about something I read somewhere about the reason why we blush. We blush to signal submissiveness the same way dogs expose their bellies. We acknowledge the superiority of someone else and it's our nonverbal way of communicating "please, don't hurt me." Admitting embarrassment or vulnerability of any sort, by extension, seems to serve the same purpose. There's more to it, though. Dogs will usually hide when they're sick and stay in a safe place until they feel better. Except my little one used to cry when her belly ached and I'd comfort her through her cries. She wanted the attention and wanted to be taken care of. Beyond admitting "I'm weak, don't hurt me" it was also saying "help me." I couldn't ease her pain, really, but I'd like to think I was able to help her calm down a bit (except when I didn't, and I cried with her and I couldn't make her better and everything was wrong in the world). 

Bad trip down memory lane.

Back to where I wanted to go, admitting weakness is a way to ask for a safe space.

In my head, this all translates to "Tell SI about your worries, he'll ease them." But there's no proper way to bring this about. So, I guess I'm asking group. How much can I trust YAP's judgement? Do you suppose SI has had enough time to grow up since? Do you suppose he's nowhere near breaking out of the cycle YAP described? Is there any way for me to know if SI likes me for me or is that one of the things I have to play Orpheus and Eurydice for? To trust him is to be vulnerable to getting hurt if it turns out he's using me, and I can't check without ruining it. Is that how it works?

Then, there's...

Well, there was a full moon, and it was nice out, and the tree had Christmas lights. But there was no romantic conversation. We kissed to the sound of hip hop blaring from some car nearby and in between hearing drunk people across the street and worrying about them scratching his car. Cyrano would have been disappointed. SI's kisses were... they were cold. I hate admitting it. Much like D's, I guess. LesMisGuy's were warm, sweet and gentle in comparison (not that that meant anything at all). SI was passionate but a bit quick and hard to catch up with and he used his tongue and nibbled my lips and it was all well and good but... I guess I couldn't quite feel him in them? I wonder if he had his heart in it and I worry even more.

When SI and I talked about his ex I figured it couldn't be very hard to be better than her because she was controlling and manipulative and selfish. I figured I could do a much better job at being good to him. The thought didn't cross my mind: is SI good enough for me? Can he be good enough for me? All that seems to matter is that I like him and I want to be with him. But YAP raised a good point. Just because I'd be good for SI doesn't mean he'd be good for me. That thought is terrifying. Who is, then? Who do I deserve? 

Not D and his manipulative sex blackmail. Not LesMisGuy who wanted nothing to do with me after we kissed. Not SmTn (as much as it pains me to say it) who used me as an emotional mistress. Then who? Who, pray?

And SI knows a little bit about this (my bad luck with love so far and lack of experience). I wonder if he was thinking on how he could do better. I wonder if that's the reason he hasn't stopped talking to me just yet. I wonder if maybe he thought "those idiots!" the same way I thought "that bitch!" I wonder what his idea of a good partner is. I... I'm afraid I don't know what mine is. 

I'm scared, blog. I'm scared that I'm ultimately unlovable and I can't shake the feeling of impending doom that has replaced the "everything falls so nicely into place" I wanted to see before. I'm scared that no one sees me for me and loves it. I'm scared that I like SI and I know things about him but I don't truly know him. I'm scared that he doesn't know me and I don't know if he's tried to get to know me.

I'm not scared, blog. I'm terrified.

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