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Saturday, 1 November 2014

I need a hand from Richard Linklater

You know how many of Richard Linklater's movies have such lovely conversations that just flow naturally? Well, I've had a couple of those with him, but the issue of triggers has been bothering me. We can talk for hours and, indeed, it even seems like he not only enjoys but seeks my company (!!!) and then something about the conversation bothers me for days afterwards. *sigh* For the sake of privacy, I can't say much other than I love the warm fuzzy feelings, I love seeing him smile, talking to him, being close to him, hugging him and smelling like him. I'm a bit too afraid of doing anything that can get in the way of that. I still want to ask him out and I don't know how he'll respond to that. I don't just don't know. I'm a little afraid to tell him that he gets somewhat preferential treatment because I have feelings for him because part of the preferential treatment just comes from him being a nice person. I'm a little afraid to tell him I have a crush on him because I worry that him talking about his love life marked the boundary you're not supposed to cross when you go out on dates and, I know it was not a date, but we crossed it. I worry that I talked about my love life too and now he may not even consider the fact that I could fancy him. I worry that I've said the wrong things, too many things, or too many of the wrong things and he won't want to talk to me or see me anymore. I want to feel more connected to him. The walls were down Tuesday night but they were up again Wednesday afternoon. I want to be able to rejoice in the fact that he asked for advice/help with his Halloween costume. It made me feel special. I want to be able to rejoice in the fact that we can talk for hours at a time and he's said things like "we should do this again sometime." I want to think he can have feelings for me and I'm a little afraid he may not be ready to just yet. 

*sigh*

I started this post wanting to expand on all the triggers and the touchy subjects but I just can't. I can't write things down like this. It feels like a violation of his right to privacy. It also feels like I'm too out of shape and terrible at writing things down.

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