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Wednesday, 19 November 2014

First

We, uh... I can only describe it as "we had sex." It was dry humping, but he came and I was very turned on and it was the first time I ever engaged in sexual activity with another person with both of us trying to make the other reach orgasm. I didn't get there because I had to pee but that's besides the point for now. 

SI is the first person to fall asleep in my arms, to look me lovingly and say sweet things, to tell me he enjoys my company, to share in the intimacy of admitting to be emotionally broken. 

I told him about my insecurities regarding being objectified. I probably should have said "used." He's very afraid I think that of him and wanted to reassure me it's not the case with him and that he likes me for me besides being very attracted to me. He said he's had a wall up for a while because his ex made it hard for him to trust anyone and yet he feels comfortable being vulnerable with me. He said he felt connected to me.

We cuddled after agreeing we'd take it slow and wouldn't do anything I was uncomfortable with. He reinforced the thought of not wanting to be rude and do anything without my consent. I assured him my setbacks had nothing to do with him and I would stop him if he tried anything without my consent. After he fell asleep in my arms he woke up and we kissed. They were sweet kisses, the kind you'd give when you're about to start making love (as opposed to having sex). I noticed the kisses getting more intense on his part and I went with it. He asked if I'd like to unfasten my bra and I said yes. We grinded for a good while and when he came he let out a soft moan of "Oh, linaThumbe!" in my ear. I'm pretty sure that was it because he said he got there after being concerned with whether or not I was there yet. He really wanted to tend to my needs. 

Wednesday, 12 November 2014

Insecurities, Part II

I had dinner with YAP tonight. I told him about the kiss. He expressed concerns. He's afraid I'll come out of this heartbroken because I care for SI more than he does for me. He's afraid SI is using me as a rebound, that SI is only superficially attracted to me, that SI is not ready for a relationship because he doesn't know how to live outside of one or in one, that SI is needy and I will end up being a mother more than a girlfriend. YAP pointed out that SI and I are opposites and that, though opposites attract, it's bound to create an imbalance in any sort of relationship. I'm worried for a number of reasons. 

I'm worried because out of all the hardships YAP described, I couldn't stop thinking about two things: YAP thinks we're going to end up together, and I liked it. I'm worried because YAP tried to scare me away and give me fair warning but I still want to go for it. SI is going through a lot? I want to help him through it. SI will want to spend a lot of time with me? I will want to spend a lot of time with him too. SI will break my heart? I'm fully aware. Well, maybe not fully, but definitely aware.

I keep going back to this reflection I was having last week during group therapy. I started thinking about something I read somewhere about the reason why we blush. We blush to signal submissiveness the same way dogs expose their bellies. We acknowledge the superiority of someone else and it's our nonverbal way of communicating "please, don't hurt me." Admitting embarrassment or vulnerability of any sort, by extension, seems to serve the same purpose. There's more to it, though. Dogs will usually hide when they're sick and stay in a safe place until they feel better. Except my little one used to cry when her belly ached and I'd comfort her through her cries. She wanted the attention and wanted to be taken care of. Beyond admitting "I'm weak, don't hurt me" it was also saying "help me." I couldn't ease her pain, really, but I'd like to think I was able to help her calm down a bit (except when I didn't, and I cried with her and I couldn't make her better and everything was wrong in the world). 

Bad trip down memory lane.

Back to where I wanted to go, admitting weakness is a way to ask for a safe space.

In my head, this all translates to "Tell SI about your worries, he'll ease them." But there's no proper way to bring this about. So, I guess I'm asking group. How much can I trust YAP's judgement? Do you suppose SI has had enough time to grow up since? Do you suppose he's nowhere near breaking out of the cycle YAP described? Is there any way for me to know if SI likes me for me or is that one of the things I have to play Orpheus and Eurydice for? To trust him is to be vulnerable to getting hurt if it turns out he's using me, and I can't check without ruining it. Is that how it works?

Then, there's...

Well, there was a full moon, and it was nice out, and the tree had Christmas lights. But there was no romantic conversation. We kissed to the sound of hip hop blaring from some car nearby and in between hearing drunk people across the street and worrying about them scratching his car. Cyrano would have been disappointed. SI's kisses were... they were cold. I hate admitting it. Much like D's, I guess. LesMisGuy's were warm, sweet and gentle in comparison (not that that meant anything at all). SI was passionate but a bit quick and hard to catch up with and he used his tongue and nibbled my lips and it was all well and good but... I guess I couldn't quite feel him in them? I wonder if he had his heart in it and I worry even more.

When SI and I talked about his ex I figured it couldn't be very hard to be better than her because she was controlling and manipulative and selfish. I figured I could do a much better job at being good to him. The thought didn't cross my mind: is SI good enough for me? Can he be good enough for me? All that seems to matter is that I like him and I want to be with him. But YAP raised a good point. Just because I'd be good for SI doesn't mean he'd be good for me. That thought is terrifying. Who is, then? Who do I deserve? 

Not D and his manipulative sex blackmail. Not LesMisGuy who wanted nothing to do with me after we kissed. Not SmTn (as much as it pains me to say it) who used me as an emotional mistress. Then who? Who, pray?

And SI knows a little bit about this (my bad luck with love so far and lack of experience). I wonder if he was thinking on how he could do better. I wonder if that's the reason he hasn't stopped talking to me just yet. I wonder if maybe he thought "those idiots!" the same way I thought "that bitch!" I wonder what his idea of a good partner is. I... I'm afraid I don't know what mine is. 

I'm scared, blog. I'm scared that I'm ultimately unlovable and I can't shake the feeling of impending doom that has replaced the "everything falls so nicely into place" I wanted to see before. I'm scared that no one sees me for me and loves it. I'm scared that I like SI and I know things about him but I don't truly know him. I'm scared that he doesn't know me and I don't know if he's tried to get to know me.

I'm not scared, blog. I'm terrified.

Monday, 10 November 2014

Insecurities

Here's the thing: we kissed. He and I kissed. We went out for coffee on Thursday night, we talked for hours, I told him I had a crush on him, he said he had a bit of a crush on me too, he wrapped one arm around me, I wrapped both of mine around him, our faces were close and, as we continued to talk about the drunk people on the other side of the street, our faces were just very close and we kissed.

I was ecstatic. I couldn't believe he liked me back. I couldn't believe we'd made it to the point where we got to kiss. I couldn't believe he'd said yes to going out on a real date with me (though the details were yet to be agreed upon).

One weekend later, I'm fearing the worst and it's LesMisGuy's fault.

There are differences, of course. He has actually shared a lot more with me than LesMisGuy ever did. He's shared his insecurities, fears, memories and troubles with me with a refreshing degree of honesty and straightforwardness that made me worry he thought of me as nothing more than a friend. I was never really friends with LesMisGuy. He and I can talk for long periods of time about anything. We get each other's humour. We enjoy each other's company. We can have intelligent conversations about a variety of subjects. There is an actual back and forth in our interactions. Sometimes, when I'm worried he's stopped answering my facebook messages and I'm feeling stupid about sending them, he'll apologise for not responding a couple of days later and acknowledge the fact that it may have upset me. I'll dismiss it out of politeness, but I like that he does it anyway. I've told him a lot of things. I'm not sure I've been as deeply honest as he has, but I feel comfortable telling him anything and everything.

Well... most anything and everything.

You see, I told him I fancied him and he already knew, yet he did nothing until I said it. Even then, I was the one to ask him out on a date afterwards. He did, in his defence, almost kiss me once and then I understood what he was going for and just went for it when our faces were close again. He did offer his arm and a reassuring embrace after admitting to liking me too. But he was also a bit silent and he asked how long I'd felt this way about him without revealing how long he's felt this way about me. I know it hasn't been as long, and I'm okay with it. I know he probably doesn't like me quite as much as I like him and I'm okay with it. I know his exgirlfriend was pushy and controlling and a bit manipulative and pretty much demanded to be in a relationship with him and I'm avoiding any kind of clinginess that can remind him of that.

We kissed on Thursday night (really Friday early morning). Friday afternoon I sent him a text message with a smiley face and he responded with another smiley face. I felt reassured because I'd wondered if I was supposed to say something after the fact when I got back and I didn't but then again he didn't either. At least the smiley face somehow indicated he was happy about it, right? ...Sort of? ......Maybe?

Saturday we spoke for a little while before he had to head out to work. At work, he started texting me because he was bored and was wondering what I was up to. I was tempted to go there but refrained because he explicitly said he didn't so much want to meet as was just bored. But I told my friends and they agreed to come with me to his workplace under the excuse of studying together. It was going well, I think, until things got busy and he got very stressed. My friends left us alone after he closed the store, maybe hoping something would happen. We talked a little about the grown up life but I felt awkward trying to hug him (even under the pretext of the cold weather we're enjoying) and he didn't try anything. We hugged goodbye as usual and left it at that. He said he'd come to tango on Sunday. He said he'd get off work at 6, go home to change and meet us at 7 for a while until he had to go to a friend's place around 9. And then he didn't show up for tango. And he didn't in any way contact me to let me know he wasn't coming.

I was planning on asking when he'd be free to go out on a date. I was planning on holding his hand while dancing, staring into his eyes and laughing and sharing a different kind of closeness this time. I was planning on maybe whispering in his ear "I have a crush on you" just to see him smile at what has to be one of the cheesiest jokes. I started planning ahead and I really shouldn't do that because planning ahead requires assumptions and assumptions are the one thing I can't make when it comes to people I fancy because any of my guesses will be biased.

I worry that going to his workplace was too much and it showed neediness. I worry that maybe I'm an awful kisser and he has absolutely no interest in helping me practice. I worry that he's just not that interested and is keeping up with me on a "why not?" basis rather than true interest. I'm worried because I like him a lot and I'm already invested in this and I know for a fact he's not supposed to like me back as much as I do him and he owes me nothing, yet I feel disappointed just thinking about the possibility. I'm worried about when we'll get to go out on that date because he agreed to it but we never settled on the details. He'll be working a lot this week and I will be working late most likely. If he's working until midnight, as is most likely, that doesn't leave a lot of time for us to go out on that date. Moreover, it really cuts down on our cheap/free date options and as much as I'd like to buy him lunch/dinner he will not be happy to have me pay for it. I wanted to do "watching the sunset" on a parking lot and just bring snacks but maybe there will not be a comfortable place to sit while we're there. My friends suggested sandwiches at the park, but then someone has to bring the sandwiches. 

I wish he would show more initiative. I wish he had ideas. I wish he would talk to me more and would come up with excuses to see me so I didn't have to use up all of mine. I wish he would call and just ask if I'd like to join him for coffee. I wish... I wish.

I'm not hoping he would, I'm wishing. Wishing

If that tells you nothing about how insecure I am, I'm not sure what will. Shall I give him a name? It almost feels wrong to, at this point, but I'll go ahead anyway. SI. 

Saturday, 1 November 2014

I need a hand from Richard Linklater

You know how many of Richard Linklater's movies have such lovely conversations that just flow naturally? Well, I've had a couple of those with him, but the issue of triggers has been bothering me. We can talk for hours and, indeed, it even seems like he not only enjoys but seeks my company (!!!) and then something about the conversation bothers me for days afterwards. *sigh* For the sake of privacy, I can't say much other than I love the warm fuzzy feelings, I love seeing him smile, talking to him, being close to him, hugging him and smelling like him. I'm a bit too afraid of doing anything that can get in the way of that. I still want to ask him out and I don't know how he'll respond to that. I don't just don't know. I'm a little afraid to tell him that he gets somewhat preferential treatment because I have feelings for him because part of the preferential treatment just comes from him being a nice person. I'm a little afraid to tell him I have a crush on him because I worry that him talking about his love life marked the boundary you're not supposed to cross when you go out on dates and, I know it was not a date, but we crossed it. I worry that I talked about my love life too and now he may not even consider the fact that I could fancy him. I worry that I've said the wrong things, too many things, or too many of the wrong things and he won't want to talk to me or see me anymore. I want to feel more connected to him. The walls were down Tuesday night but they were up again Wednesday afternoon. I want to be able to rejoice in the fact that he asked for advice/help with his Halloween costume. It made me feel special. I want to be able to rejoice in the fact that we can talk for hours at a time and he's said things like "we should do this again sometime." I want to think he can have feelings for me and I'm a little afraid he may not be ready to just yet. 

*sigh*

I started this post wanting to expand on all the triggers and the touchy subjects but I just can't. I can't write things down like this. It feels like a violation of his right to privacy. It also feels like I'm too out of shape and terrible at writing things down.