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Sunday, 5 October 2014

Tango for one

I cannot seem to get back into a habit of writing with any kind of regularity. Then again, I cannot seem to get myself to do a lot of things I would like to do and really should but that's not exactly news for you, blog.

The reason I'm writing today is that I was at a milonga and I had a bit of a breakdown. However, it needs explaining.

So, Rl was the biggest stressor. There are a few things to this. First, there's his lying. I really don't appreciate being lied to, especially when the excuses are lame and it's so easy to catch the lie. It's also not the first time. He arrived and sort of started talking to me. He said something about his shoulder and his feet hurting and how he probably shouldn't dance because... meh? I knew he was waiting for a particular person to be available for a dance and, true to my prediction, he went on to dance with her as soon as that tanda was over. Why lie to me about the damned injuries and pains? I don't expect him to take me out to dance, I know it annoys him. I wish it didn't but given we can't really change that, I wish he wouldn't lie to me. What does he think he's doing? Sparing my feelings by not telling me I'm just not a good enough dancer for him? By lying to my face and then dancing with other people? He tried talking a little more but he was standing and I was sitting and I was having issues with his lying and his double standard of "you shouldn't stop dancing at all during a milonga" even though he knows that as a follower I depend on people taking me out to dance and it's not like he's doing anything about it so could he not just shut the fuck up?

I let it go. Aunt MT was with me and she is wonderful and everyone loved her and I was content to observe people dancing and dance a few tandas. Then I remembered someone had asked for pictures and I decided to take a picture of the table. The automatic flash setting made it so that the picture created a flash. And people were still dancing. After a couple of pictures where Rl tried to hide his face someone let me know that the flash could be disruptive to the dancers. I took a couple more pictures without the flash and sat down again. Then Rl chimed in again on how inappropriate it was to use the flash and it upset me. When the tanda was over I was told now would be a good time to take the picture but by then I just waved it off as "I already have a picture, I'll just send this one" and tried to look busy sending the message and picture. I tried playing 2048 to no avail and had to take a bathroom break to wait until I could sort of collect myself because I could already feel the tears swelling up. Is it PMS? Is it because I forgot the antidepressant last night, maybe? I don't know!

All I know is that it upset me and I don't know why I wanted to open up to Rl but between his disapproval/harsh judgement saying I'm just not good enough and his lying and the... everything, I just can't do it. I give up. There was a time when he might have tried apologising. I know that time is long gone. The honesty policy is doing exactly nothing because he's not really holdinig up on his end and 

EBF is also not really being there. I don't know why I thought he might be able to help because he once said something about real estate and my parents will soon not have a place to live and maybe EBF could help but he was busy and I don't expect him to say he'll be avaialbable any time aoon and I don't really want to tell him anything any more. 

It's been a while since I last saw SmTn online too. I think he was only around for a couple of days after we talked and then he went back to disappearing. It feels like this time it's for good, like after talking and hearing each other's voice and seeing one another closed that chapter. 

But there are no more connections. I won't say it's all in vain, because I did get gas money out of being nice to someone, but goodness knows she's difficult and I don't really like her all that much. I got a present from Tx and she offered support after I sort of brushed her off on the day I barely left the bed. It's just that I don't feel a connection to her either. 

Not a lot can hurt me, then I went ahead and let myself care about Rl enough that I want to make him proud and it hurts when he's disappointed in me or ceases to show interest in me and my well being and shuts me away and lies to me. All because he reminded me of EBF... I thought I'd found someone I could call a proper friend and... I just couldn't wait to be alone and cry. 

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