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Friday, 24 October 2014

Such is life? Such is my life

*sigh*

Landed on my bum, for once. Such is the life of a procrastinator? Yes. And yet I was trying to abide by the rules except they weren't posted very visibly which I do think is on them, not me. If I ever needed an incentive to stop putting off finding a job this is a reason as good as any.

A few thoughts come to mind that bother  me. 

I've gotten it into my head that this is all part of some larger plan, as if I believed in a god or a greater good (or outside playwright). Which plan? One in which I'm brave enough to ask him out and fortunate enough to not only have him say yes but have it result in a relationship. I let the highs get high and the lows get low. When he stopped answering that day I was positive he thought horrible things about me. Then I went to his workplace (failed to ask him out) and he not only gave me a big, tight hug with an excitement to see me I've seen in no one. Moreover, he acknowledged the fact that he knew I'd sent him a message and he hadn't read it and apologised for it, as if he'd somehow read my mind and wanted to address the ensuing insecurities. Then I attempted to chat with him today. Conversation died. I again feel completely worthless. I want to trust Rl's view of things. I want to think he's right when he says interest is shown in being talkative around me. But what if he's just talkative with everyone? I have trouble feeling special enough to think he's interested and I keep telling myself all I need is an answer to "would you like to go out with me on a date?" because there's no wrong answer, but I'm also afraid of rejection and what it will do to me.

I'm somewhat amazed at how collected and Zen I'm about this. I haven't even started looking for a job and keep thinking I'll just find one and, worst case scenario, if I get a job here and not somewhere else, I'll live in the same city as him. Like that's something that's that big a deal. I keep trying to not let it become final. I keep thinking it's not quite real. Kind of like this lovely weather we're having lately where I can walk from the car to the office without breaking into a sweat. Kind of like him suddenly being interested in talking to me after sometimes not even bothering to say hello. Kind of like the professors I'm working with trying to figure out if they can somehow hire me in Spring if everything falls through like it might (or possibly already did). Kind of like a mysterious deposit made to my bank account that neither mum or I can make sense of and no one has claimed property over. It feels like something else is at work, like something is brewing, like things are falling just so into place in a very particular way for a very particular reason and I just don't know what it is. But I can speculate hope. 

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