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Friday, 24 October 2014

Such is life? Such is my life


Landed on my bum, for once. Such is the life of a procrastinator? Yes. And yet I was trying to abide by the rules except they weren't posted very visibly which I do think is on them, not me. If I ever needed an incentive to stop putting off finding a job this is a reason as good as any.

A few thoughts come to mind that bother  me. 

I've gotten it into my head that this is all part of some larger plan, as if I believed in a god or a greater good (or outside playwright). Which plan? One in which I'm brave enough to ask him out and fortunate enough to not only have him say yes but have it result in a relationship. I let the highs get high and the lows get low. When he stopped answering that day I was positive he thought horrible things about me. Then I went to his workplace (failed to ask him out) and he not only gave me a big, tight hug with an excitement to see me I've seen in no one. Moreover, he acknowledged the fact that he knew I'd sent him a message and he hadn't read it and apologised for it, as if he'd somehow read my mind and wanted to address the ensuing insecurities. Then I attempted to chat with him today. Conversation died. I again feel completely worthless. I want to trust Rl's view of things. I want to think he's right when he says interest is shown in being talkative around me. But what if he's just talkative with everyone? I have trouble feeling special enough to think he's interested and I keep telling myself all I need is an answer to "would you like to go out with me on a date?" because there's no wrong answer, but I'm also afraid of rejection and what it will do to me.

I'm somewhat amazed at how collected and Zen I'm about this. I haven't even started looking for a job and keep thinking I'll just find one and, worst case scenario, if I get a job here and not somewhere else, I'll live in the same city as him. Like that's something that's that big a deal. I keep trying to not let it become final. I keep thinking it's not quite real. Kind of like this lovely weather we're having lately where I can walk from the car to the office without breaking into a sweat. Kind of like him suddenly being interested in talking to me after sometimes not even bothering to say hello. Kind of like the professors I'm working with trying to figure out if they can somehow hire me in Spring if everything falls through like it might (or possibly already did). Kind of like a mysterious deposit made to my bank account that neither mum or I can make sense of and no one has claimed property over. It feels like something else is at work, like something is brewing, like things are falling just so into place in a very particular way for a very particular reason and I just don't know what it is. But I can speculate hope. 

Tuesday, 21 October 2014

I apparently can't learn

There's a number of things I could be writing about, like how the story of a trans man being bullied by professors made me want to cry and apologise for the human race as a whole. I won't. 

I keep wanting to talk to him so I keep starting conversations through Facebook. So far, so good, right? 


I've realised I need validation from him. When he doesn't read my messages (or when he does but it does not appear like he has and he doesn't respond) my sense of self-worth plummets. Forget about the fact that Rl thought I have a chance. Forget about how much we can laugh when we talk sometimes. That right there was enough to make me feel unimportant and unworthy of what I wanted to do tonight and may put off until later: asking him out on a date. 

It really doesn't help matters one bit that life has been going shittastic otherwise and I've been putting way too much energy into this fantasy of a love life he's a part of. 

Tuesday, 7 October 2014

A conversation!

Blog, you don't know about the time, a couple of weeks ago, when I ran into him on the way to the bathroom and had an awkward 3 x "How are you?" conversation. The time when I felt stupid and wished I'd somehow managed to convey to him "I am capable of intelligent conversation!" You also don't know about the times where I felt stupid because I felt like he barely acknowledged my existence. You do know about my awkward facebook friend request that I cancelled a couple of days later. Remember? Well, here's a nice counter to all that. We're facebook friends!

After talking for two hours (maybe less) even though the purpose was to be with other people while I was at the place where he happens to work (but they also make lovely drinks), we're facebook friends!´

I am so happy. I can't stop smiling and my throat is a little sore from squeeing a bit much on the way back. He asked if I'd like to go to the shabbat on Friday and that means you don't need to ask where I'll be on Friday. I actually have an excuse to to talk to him and we didn't use it. We kept talking about all of these other things. And he's smart, and very honest and he said he was an open book and I don't know if I should feel special if he says his whole life is open to everyone but he sort of told me about personal decisions he was making in a low voice and I can't express how happy I am that he felt close enough to me to say so. He may even get into tango! Tango!

Oh, and he smelled delightful. I know because I sort of hugged him while doing a tango demonstration of sorts. 




Sunday, 5 October 2014

Tango for one

I cannot seem to get back into a habit of writing with any kind of regularity. Then again, I cannot seem to get myself to do a lot of things I would like to do and really should but that's not exactly news for you, blog.

The reason I'm writing today is that I was at a milonga and I had a bit of a breakdown. However, it needs explaining.

So, Rl was the biggest stressor. There are a few things to this. First, there's his lying. I really don't appreciate being lied to, especially when the excuses are lame and it's so easy to catch the lie. It's also not the first time. He arrived and sort of started talking to me. He said something about his shoulder and his feet hurting and how he probably shouldn't dance because... meh? I knew he was waiting for a particular person to be available for a dance and, true to my prediction, he went on to dance with her as soon as that tanda was over. Why lie to me about the damned injuries and pains? I don't expect him to take me out to dance, I know it annoys him. I wish it didn't but given we can't really change that, I wish he wouldn't lie to me. What does he think he's doing? Sparing my feelings by not telling me I'm just not a good enough dancer for him? By lying to my face and then dancing with other people? He tried talking a little more but he was standing and I was sitting and I was having issues with his lying and his double standard of "you shouldn't stop dancing at all during a milonga" even though he knows that as a follower I depend on people taking me out to dance and it's not like he's doing anything about it so could he not just shut the fuck up?

I let it go. Aunt MT was with me and she is wonderful and everyone loved her and I was content to observe people dancing and dance a few tandas. Then I remembered someone had asked for pictures and I decided to take a picture of the table. The automatic flash setting made it so that the picture created a flash. And people were still dancing. After a couple of pictures where Rl tried to hide his face someone let me know that the flash could be disruptive to the dancers. I took a couple more pictures without the flash and sat down again. Then Rl chimed in again on how inappropriate it was to use the flash and it upset me. When the tanda was over I was told now would be a good time to take the picture but by then I just waved it off as "I already have a picture, I'll just send this one" and tried to look busy sending the message and picture. I tried playing 2048 to no avail and had to take a bathroom break to wait until I could sort of collect myself because I could already feel the tears swelling up. Is it PMS? Is it because I forgot the antidepressant last night, maybe? I don't know!

All I know is that it upset me and I don't know why I wanted to open up to Rl but between his disapproval/harsh judgement saying I'm just not good enough and his lying and the... everything, I just can't do it. I give up. There was a time when he might have tried apologising. I know that time is long gone. The honesty policy is doing exactly nothing because he's not really holdinig up on his end and 

EBF is also not really being there. I don't know why I thought he might be able to help because he once said something about real estate and my parents will soon not have a place to live and maybe EBF could help but he was busy and I don't expect him to say he'll be avaialbable any time aoon and I don't really want to tell him anything any more. 

It's been a while since I last saw SmTn online too. I think he was only around for a couple of days after we talked and then he went back to disappearing. It feels like this time it's for good, like after talking and hearing each other's voice and seeing one another closed that chapter. 

But there are no more connections. I won't say it's all in vain, because I did get gas money out of being nice to someone, but goodness knows she's difficult and I don't really like her all that much. I got a present from Tx and she offered support after I sort of brushed her off on the day I barely left the bed. It's just that I don't feel a connection to her either. 

Not a lot can hurt me, then I went ahead and let myself care about Rl enough that I want to make him proud and it hurts when he's disappointed in me or ceases to show interest in me and my well being and shuts me away and lies to me. All because he reminded me of EBF... I thought I'd found someone I could call a proper friend and... I just couldn't wait to be alone and cry.