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Monday, 25 August 2014

Some feels

Most likely a result of months (almost a year now) of therapy, I'm trying to embrace my feelings a bit more and actually act on them. Well, some feelings, at any rate. I even feel I'm being somewhat mature about them. Well, some of them, at any rate.

I cut the post about heroes short because I was distraught by thoughts concerning Rl. He asked me to dance at the milonga and seemed quite annoyed. It could have been mistaken by me stepping on him (except I didn't), or by some kind of muscle pain (it wasn't). He said nothing and I figured I'd ask if something was the matter. He said he'd been frustrated with me because I can't quite get my hand on how to embrace people to dance tango. My bad, I won't try to hide it. I still felt like it was a bit of an over-reaction on his part. The whole thing was still bothering me, as the idea grew on me that maybe he was just venting sexual frustration at the fact that, for example, nothing happened Friday night. Now, I can stop now to comment on how he tries to defend himself asking for specific instances of what I'm talking about, like he's an attorney asking for incriminating evidence, but I won't. Alors, on continue. After toying with the idea of maybe proposing a friends with benefits (and lots of boundaries) arrangement where I could be inclined to try a make-out session with him, I figured I needed to ask him up front if he was attracted to me. So I did. 

He said no and asked about me, so I said "not really" and when he said "not really is not actually no" I elaborated. I explained I'm physically attracted to him but refuse to act on it. He said he'd picked up on it and I called him a wise-ass. When I talked about being afraid of sexual objectification he said #yolo. When the conversation was over I was sure he'd lied and somewhat regretted thanking him for his honesty. Mark my words he will try something. I hate how he uses words and doesn't actually say what he means. In case you were wondering, that's not reason enough to refuse to act on my attraction to him. The bulk of those reasons lies in the fact that he enjoys boxing (brain injury does not equal sport) and finds no problem laughing at sexist/racist/otherwise-wildly-politically-incorrect jokes. There's a line between making cheap jokes about genitalia and actually being funny, any reader can tell you that. Laughing about women farting, queefing and snoring is a big NO in my book. I'm particularly insulted by ridiculing queefing because it's most likely to happen after having penetrative sex and you don't fucking mock someone's body expelling air you bloody put there. I'm looking at you, George Lopez. But he's not the only one. En fin... Score one for being blunt and honest. I actually feel quite good with myself for attempting to have an honest conversation about feelings, if only those of attraction. Should it work in the future (not with Rl, I mean) I'll be proud of talking things out rather than guessing. 

The other one is about SmTn. I can't help but find it a bit strange that I haven't received so much as a smiley face back from him since he sent that e-mail a while ago and I just went ahead and wrote another e-mail for him asking for signs of life. The increased frequency of contact and implied desperation badly hidden in it is practically begging for us to go back to talking regularly again and I'm not sure I can stop myself.

I said some.

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