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Thursday, 21 August 2014

I'm terrible at hide and seek

I'm hiding in the office. I use the term loosely, as Pf2 asked if I was here realized I was here and called for me and I actually opened the door to talk to him. 

Problem? I don't have a job for next semester (the one starting...oh, next week). Not yet, and, possibly, not at all. My last communications inquiring Pf2 for the prospect of a job got me nothing more than "I submitted your name but it's out of my hands now." Today it was obvious he was waiting to tell me in person "I can't promise you anything." I excused myself saying I'd go out to try and ask for a position with the maths department but after they turned me down I couldn't come immediately back to the office. I broke down into tears in the 4min walk and locked myself in a bathroom stall trying to calm myself down long enough for the redness in my eyes to subside enough that I'd dare come to the office again. It took me about an hour. Pf2 was no longer in the office and I took advantage of that to lock myself in, though I still made quite a ruckus boiling myself some more tea and eating a bag of chips. That and I forgot to silence my phone, so when he texted to tell me he'd tried nagging the department's head once again to try and convince him to get me a job I'm quite sure he could hear my phone ring. That's how he knew to call for me and that's why I opened the door for him. Fuck, he just called for me and I didn't answer. I'm typing as quietly as I can. I can't answer this time because I'm crying again and I'm a snotty mess.

I'm crying again because the old man called. He wanted to know how I'm doing money-wise and I gave him a less than convincing "so-so." He asked how much I needed and I lied giving him a number that will barely leave my bank account at an exact 0 (as opposed to negative). He offered twice that much, which is still not nearly enough because I'll need.. oh, let's see... 50 times that much to cover tuition by next Friday. Yesterday I tried to soothe myself concocting worst-case scenarios where I could become a sugar-baby, a stripper, or even sell my life in exchange for financial security for my family. The truth is I'd be hard-pressed to make any of those work in less than a week. The truth is that exactly none of those would work out in such a short period of time. Yesterday mum was offering to send me money she didn't have and sorely needs thinking it would help. I didn't have the heart to tell her it's not nearly enough and it won't make a difference if she sends me the money so it's best for her to use it. Though I can't tell her I have a job yet I keep telling her not to worry and of course she does. There is good reason to worry though I don't tell her about it. 

Oh dear, even Pf2 is sticking his neck out for me and all I can do is hide in the office and pretend I'm not here even though he can almost certainly hear my typing.

Last night I had a dream that I was hired for a job that was yet to be announced. I had a dream about aunt MT promising she would take out a loan and transfer me money for tuition. 

I've had other dreams, magical ones where I could fly and my voice had the power to invoke other beings and find mystical objects and travel through mysterious lands... dreams where I didn't have any of these worries. But I've all but forgotten them and can't write them down now.

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