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Sunday, 10 August 2014

Active waiting: chapter Sailor Moon

I'm on an antisocial streak. I don't have a mind to see Nd or Md. I can say for a fact Nd is being just too much to bear. Just on Thursday they called to ask if they could drop by the office, which was not so much to talk but to use the printer there and ask for some tea while they were at it. I deliberately stayed hungry so as to avoid offering them food. I didn't offer the tea, I was in no mood to offer tea (or snacks, or anything... and I always do, when people come to the office). They asked for it and it frankly felt rude. I'm not seeing them on Monday, like they asked. I'll make sure to be busy. Actually, Pf2 is helping with that as an experiment was scheduled for Monday. It's a shame that's the day the PRIDE officers are meeting and I may not be able to make it, but I guess that's what it is... I hope we're done sooner rather than later and can start on time (or at least agree to start later in the afternoon so I can attend the meeting). Anyway, that's not quite what I wanted to write about.

It was brought up by one of the group facilitators that my numbness and reluctance to engage with feelings is a form of avoidance. I admit to it. I keep myself numb by watching YouTube videos, by playing games on the computer or my phone, by checking the usual websites. I have not done much of use lately. Lately, in fact, I've taken it upon myself to revisit Sailor Moon, as it turned out I had been missing out on 80+ episodes last time I thought I saw all of them. Go figure... I will say it's refreshing to revisit characters like Haruka, Michiru and the Starlight Sailors from a new perspective. Under the light of a term I've only recently become acquainted with, seeing Haruka as a transmasculine woman makes the character all the more interesting. The thing is, I'm not even halfway through the last set of episodes and... well, I'm having trouble concentrating.

I can't even focus enough to keep myself numb. At first I just opened a few other tabs to entertain myself while the video loaded. Then I took to actually playing around creating new Sailor Senshi in an online game. I know, childish, right? And yet it felt refreshing to revisit such thoughts. The thoughts of a little girl trying to create a figure to look up to. Invariably, the first characters I play around with always end up dressed in green and are made to look as much like me as the games allow. Once even that was enough, the thought that interrupts me is that of SmTn. I start to wonder if at a time like this he would be online and, had I not forbidden iit, whether or not we could be talking right now. I'd been thinking of asking him to please be online even if we can't talk, just because I like to feel his company that way but I wonder if the decision is not him deliberately trying to avoid me. I wrote an e-mail for his birthday and I've kept it in my Drafts folder, waiting for the right day to hit "send." 

Are you there, SmTn? It's really been too long...

And while I busy myself with such pointless thoughts, I'm not looking for a job. Not for the coming semester, not for after I'm done. I trust I'll get one (at least after I graduate) and I know I need to start looking now to make sure it will be a good one but I'm more eager to think of how to spend my spare time once I land said job. As for the Fall term... I finally mustered the courage to ask Pf2 about it and he said he asked for someone to get me a job, but it's out of his hands now. If ON's contract is any indication, it may already be too late. And if I don't get a job... that means no tuition waiver and no money to pay for the loan or the car insurance. If I had half a mind I should be eagerly looking for a back-up job just to make the payments but I'm having trouble being useful, in case you hadn't noticed.

The dream... the dream is to escape to an alternate fantasy where my regular old self is actually someone important and worthy of an enviable love life. Someone with powers no one else has, capable of taking on jobs that no one else can. 

I briefly considered writing a piece about our first notion of love as a myth to cover up the blunt edge of hormones but I haven't the heart to. 

I considered writing about the Mariah Carey song that got stuck in my head for a couple of days but I can no longer remember what it was. It's "One Sweet Day."

No it isn't. That was a while ago. It's "Without You."

I'm running out of words. I'm running out of conversations. I'm running out. But I can't really run.

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