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Friday, 11 July 2014

Motivation and silence

I may have pointed out in group a couple of weeks ago that there were a few things I wanted to talk about and never got around to ringing up because I don't want to take time away from people who can actually solve their problems. I was absent last week and especially silent this week. At the sight of three members breaking down and sharing deep and dark secrets of anguish and despair all I could think was "your brains are messing with you, that's the only reason this all seems so bad" while "Do You Hear the People Sing" from Les Misérables played in the back of my head. I was encouraged to share more next week and the efficacy that group therapy has on me was brought into question. I can't deny those are thoughts I've had myself earlier. I continue to go religiously but I'm not sure the goal I set is consistent with the kind of help I need and the kind of help I can actually get from group therapy. I promised I'd write something down and try to talk next week, but if something is up with the others I will not take up their space. I just don't think enough of my troubles compared to theirs and I can't change that. It's been increasingly hard to bring myself tow rite not just the bullet points of what I want to talk about with the group but of anything at all to write on the blog, you know? I'm all out of words (but not really, you're reading this) and I'm more like an empty shell just barely getting by and dragging along existence than anything else. 

I want to break this down into parts but even that proves difficult because my brain can't seem to break ideas down, leave alone elaborate on them.

*sigh*

Let's see... The goal I gave myself and stated to others when I started therapy was "to help me deal with living with the As." I can't say if it has helped much or not and I feel bad because I haven't even done the things I promised myself, and the group, I'd do. Things such as moving out. Things such as interacting more with others. Things such as scheduling an appointment with a psychiatrist. Things like talking to the nice maths professor. I've been putting it all off indefinitely. Back to the purpose of therapy, well... on the one hand, there's the depression and anxiety and the general fucked-up-ness that is living with the As. Realistically, what can group do for me? I can go to them and rant about the As and about life not being able to get away from them. But I haven't been doing that recently. Not in therapy and not even on the blog. It's not that I'm any less unhappy there, or that they've somehow started being nice or reasonable. Why, only in the last couple of weeks I found my sleeping cools gone and a note on the bathroom mirror for the one night I left in a bit of a hurry and left a mess there, telling me it was dirty and other people use the bathroom. Between 9:30pm and the next morning? They use their own bathroom and I'm quite sure they didn't have visitors. While I can see the point, the callousness of the accusation or how, after being left a note and me cleaning up when I was leaving the house uncle A remarked upon it once more, like I somehow hadn't noticed and/or had done nothing about it. I do not take lessons in cleanliness from you lot and I don't see what the bloody fuss is all about for a one time thing of something that would be there in the dead of night and for maybe a whole morning. Visitors come through the garage which is just about always dirty and smelling of cat poop. Visitors use the fridge and pass through the kitchen, both of which are permanently dirty. I have no say in those and somehow the messy bathroom is a problem how?

See? Not gone. Still exasperated. And I didn't complain about this to group, or the blog. I was just defeated. I still am. I have tried talking to EBF in vain. I tried to talk to him about deep subjects and, while he genuinely seems worried by the fact that I'm not eating very healthy food or even full meals, he's hardly the person I used to know. He's unable to carry the conversations I want to have. He's incapable of opinions and observations outside of quack science and nonsense psychology. The insight is gone. His interests beyond work are shallow and quite boring. I can't talk to SmTn. Talking to A never was much use. I haven't talked to AOB, not in a real conversation, and I don't expect to. I'm friendless and lonely, though not completely alone. I'm sorry to leave Md and Nd out of it, especially Md, but they're only situational friends and I'm not that much closer to them than I am to anyone in group. I care about them and worry about them but deep down I don't feel a very strong connection with them. Deep down, I don't feel a meaningful connection with anyone. 

The thought my mind speaks out loud the most often is "I just want to go home. And sleep." And I wish I had a home but I don't, so sometimes I just switch that for "where my parents are." I do very much still want to sleep and it doesn't help matters one bit that I've been surprised by ON during an office nap and I'm now constantly paranoid that someone will come in and find me on the floor of the office, not working. It's come to the point where I want nothing for myself other than rest, peaceful rest, and even silly questions like "What would you do if you could do anything without consequence?" or the more worldly "What would you do if you won the lottery?" have answers that almost don't involve me at all. I would pay my debts and my sister's. I would pay for my sister's education and livelihood anywhere she wanted and was admitted. I'd get my parents a new car and a house or apartment of their own (with a fabulous kitchen) as well as a couple others they could rent to get some monthly income. I would send YEP1 and YEP2 some money so they don't find themselves selling their things to make rent payments and go grocery shopping. I would find aunt LM a nice apartment to live in. I would remodel aunt MT's shop and make it fabulous after buying all the old/never-to-be-sold goods and donating them to some church. I would give EBF the equivalent of my first salary to settle an old bet. I would pay for Md to get facial hair removal treatment. ´

I can think of nothing or very little to do for myself. Even the dream I once had of trying to meet with SmTn is too far from reach now. I would maybe spend money learning many new languages and then travelling. I don't hold high hopes of getting very far ahead with any kind of education now. I don't expect to find love. I don't expect to find happiness. I can only hope I learn what I can (languages) and enjoy myself observing the world around me. I want solitude. I don't want accomplishments. I don't want fame. I don't want titles. I just want rest. 

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