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Tuesday, 24 June 2014

I want to write, though mostly I want to talk

It's just that I don't really have anyone to talk to. So I write because I'm failing at being useful in any meaningful way today. I've slept in the office. I haven't eaten a single proper meal all day. I didn't venture tell Md anything about meeting today and my excuse to talk to her in the first place was to talk about Nd. It's eating away at me that I haven't heard back from the nice maths professor and I also haven't attempted to contact him. It's bothering me that I haven't done any of a number of important things to secure freedom to move around, money, or the trip back home during the holidays. I'm annoyed that I maybe shouldn't have outed Ax to the person I asked to help me teach Ax and Tx tango. I'm peeved by the fact that I called him by the wrong name (though, to be fair, it's hard to keep track of which name he goes by when). I'm anxious about nothing in particular and I want to talk to someone, anyone, but I can't think of anyone to talk to. I don't want to use Md that way. I don't think I'll get around to talking to Nd and I'm already behind on my promise to Md that I'd talk to them about being more considerate. I want to tell someone, other than A, about love and the stupid notion of entitlement that Hollywood has given me. I want to talk about the idea that accomplishment goes hand in hand with having a significant other. I want to talk about the fact that I can't be useful today or any other day and I don't even want to. I just want to lay still and let time go by, hoping something will change for the better on its own without me having any hand in it. I want to stop being paranoid about that guy from tango, because he was nice when I told him we'd be going out for dinner with Md and that Ax was a trans man. He was fun and funny and I don't want to ruin that by thinking he'd want to ruin that. I don't want to ruin last night thinking Tx was extra sweaty because she was nervous and not because she sweats a lot very easily. I don't want to let the idea settle in my head that others only see my worth in terms of wanting to sleep with me. 

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