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Monday, 23 June 2014

Hopeless romance is, by definition, well... hopeless...

It had been bothering me for a while. Today, when I saw him online, I womaned up and asked YAP if he thought it was worth trying anything. And by "trying anything" I mean "attempting to have a love life," or, you know, taking steps in showing interest for a certain someone. I had this [SPOILER ALERT] stupid idea in my head that if I told him and he thought it was worth it then he could set us up. 

If you can't tell by the title and that last sentence didn't give his answer away, let me write it down in full: he loves me and he's known them for four years and he just doesn't think we're right for one another. Moreover, they're not quite over the bad break up. He hates to say no but believes in being honest. Because he loves me. He is ineffable. 

You wouldn't believe (or perhaps you would, knowing me) just how nervous I was about hitting send on the message with my question. I actually felt a need to cover myself up and hide under sweaters to find cover somehow. I didn't dare open his answer for a while and actually had to talk to A to at least tell her how nervous I was so I wasn't completely alone in being stupid. 

There's no pillow fluffy enough (if YAP is any proof of it) to soften the blow of hopelessness. His answer was, in every way, perfect and yet it makes me teary-eyed. This is exactly the sort of thing Md would solve with a hug and I hate myself for thinking it but it was Md and Nd who started this stupid question in the first place. What are good friends for if they tell you you're wonderful and deserve to be fancied by people you fancy and be in a proper, healthy, loving, caring, long term relationship with the person whose eyes twinkle when they laugh? And yet that's what started this. They gave me hope where there was none and I can't say (I won't say) I resent them, I resent myself for being foolish enough to ignore all the first instincts and let myself mis-remember their glistening eyes, giving meaning where there was none to events that never took place. 

Now, more than before, I want to crawl into a little ball and wrap myself up in blankets and hide under the desk. Maybe there I'll be safe. Maybe hope won't find me there. Maybe time will just continue to pass uneventfully and I'll go back to feeling nothing. I need to ignore the fact that he said nothing about them graduating and leaving soon. I need to ignore the fact that he said it was just his opinion and not final. I need to remind myself that he's right and that if there's an authority on such things he would be it. I need to remind myself that life sucks and no one ever deserves love just because they want it very badly. I have to remind myself of how imperfect my vision of everyone I fancy is and pop the delusion that they would have been a good match for me. 

Laugh all you want at the high schooler in me that felt the need to ask a third party about the possibility of love. I'll be in a corner, wallowing in self-pity, until further notice. 

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