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Tuesday, 24 June 2014

I want to write, though mostly I want to talk

It's just that I don't really have anyone to talk to. So I write because I'm failing at being useful in any meaningful way today. I've slept in the office. I haven't eaten a single proper meal all day. I didn't venture tell Md anything about meeting today and my excuse to talk to her in the first place was to talk about Nd. It's eating away at me that I haven't heard back from the nice maths professor and I also haven't attempted to contact him. It's bothering me that I haven't done any of a number of important things to secure freedom to move around, money, or the trip back home during the holidays. I'm annoyed that I maybe shouldn't have outed Ax to the person I asked to help me teach Ax and Tx tango. I'm peeved by the fact that I called him by the wrong name (though, to be fair, it's hard to keep track of which name he goes by when). I'm anxious about nothing in particular and I want to talk to someone, anyone, but I can't think of anyone to talk to. I don't want to use Md that way. I don't think I'll get around to talking to Nd and I'm already behind on my promise to Md that I'd talk to them about being more considerate. I want to tell someone, other than A, about love and the stupid notion of entitlement that Hollywood has given me. I want to talk about the idea that accomplishment goes hand in hand with having a significant other. I want to talk about the fact that I can't be useful today or any other day and I don't even want to. I just want to lay still and let time go by, hoping something will change for the better on its own without me having any hand in it. I want to stop being paranoid about that guy from tango, because he was nice when I told him we'd be going out for dinner with Md and that Ax was a trans man. He was fun and funny and I don't want to ruin that by thinking he'd want to ruin that. I don't want to ruin last night thinking Tx was extra sweaty because she was nervous and not because she sweats a lot very easily. I don't want to let the idea settle in my head that others only see my worth in terms of wanting to sleep with me. 

Monday, 23 June 2014

Hopeless romance is, by definition, well... hopeless...

It had been bothering me for a while. Today, when I saw him online, I womaned up and asked YAP if he thought it was worth trying anything. And by "trying anything" I mean "attempting to have a love life," or, you know, taking steps in showing interest for a certain someone. I had this [SPOILER ALERT] stupid idea in my head that if I told him and he thought it was worth it then he could set us up. 

If you can't tell by the title and that last sentence didn't give his answer away, let me write it down in full: he loves me and he's known them for four years and he just doesn't think we're right for one another. Moreover, they're not quite over the bad break up. He hates to say no but believes in being honest. Because he loves me. He is ineffable. 

You wouldn't believe (or perhaps you would, knowing me) just how nervous I was about hitting send on the message with my question. I actually felt a need to cover myself up and hide under sweaters to find cover somehow. I didn't dare open his answer for a while and actually had to talk to A to at least tell her how nervous I was so I wasn't completely alone in being stupid. 

There's no pillow fluffy enough (if YAP is any proof of it) to soften the blow of hopelessness. His answer was, in every way, perfect and yet it makes me teary-eyed. This is exactly the sort of thing Md would solve with a hug and I hate myself for thinking it but it was Md and Nd who started this stupid question in the first place. What are good friends for if they tell you you're wonderful and deserve to be fancied by people you fancy and be in a proper, healthy, loving, caring, long term relationship with the person whose eyes twinkle when they laugh? And yet that's what started this. They gave me hope where there was none and I can't say (I won't say) I resent them, I resent myself for being foolish enough to ignore all the first instincts and let myself mis-remember their glistening eyes, giving meaning where there was none to events that never took place. 

Now, more than before, I want to crawl into a little ball and wrap myself up in blankets and hide under the desk. Maybe there I'll be safe. Maybe hope won't find me there. Maybe time will just continue to pass uneventfully and I'll go back to feeling nothing. I need to ignore the fact that he said nothing about them graduating and leaving soon. I need to ignore the fact that he said it was just his opinion and not final. I need to remind myself that he's right and that if there's an authority on such things he would be it. I need to remind myself that life sucks and no one ever deserves love just because they want it very badly. I have to remind myself of how imperfect my vision of everyone I fancy is and pop the delusion that they would have been a good match for me. 

Laugh all you want at the high schooler in me that felt the need to ask a third party about the possibility of love. I'll be in a corner, wallowing in self-pity, until further notice. 

Wednesday, 18 June 2014

It's been a month now. About time I try to start writing again.

Nothing much has happened. Not awfully big, I guess, in the greater scheme of things. A lot has happened, don't get me wrong. But I've been in an awful mood to write in for the last month, maybe more, and none of what has happened so far has made me want to write. Not the crazy dreams I've had quite a lot of. Not the As having a big fight, breaking up for a couple of days and getting back together again. Not Nd's manic episode. Not the numerous things I've wanted to talk about during group therapy and then didn't get around to mentioning. Not the old man's job being far from secure. Not the fact that I can't get a job. Not the fact that I haven't been able to bring myself to work, even on the maths textbook, and I can't bear the shame of trying to contact the nice maths professor. Not that I've found a way to sleep in reasonable comfort in the office and I'll sometimes take 4 hour naps while I'm there because real work is so slow. Not the random songs I've had stuck in my head, like Carmen's "Habanera," System of a Down's "Hypnotize" or American Author's "Best Day of my Life." Not to mention the social awkwardness in feeling like I had to buy someone dinner to spend time with him because I wanted to not be alone and he was somehow my default when I didn't quite want to see Nd and I couldn't see Md. Not for the nice dreams, like the one I had fairly recently where I ended up making out with someone. Not for the odd premonitions, like mum's dream about me moving to Boston or Washington, or working with some professor by the name Kenneth. I just haven't been in the mood to write. Goodness knows I owe a former group member an e-mail and I cannot for the life of me bring myself to write her one. *sigh*

It would appear I still make myself do nice things for others because lacking an ability to be useful, I can at least be nice. I've put time into planning for an LGBT+ event next year. I've put time into learning more about the community (Md, you've been invaluable as a resource... thank you so much for your honesty and not minding my curious questions... Nd, I wish I could get more out of you but I somehow can't quite take you seriously, I'm very sorry). I am attending a fancy-ish event on Thursday night to try and network. Me. Network. For PRIDE. *sigh* Ok, not just for PRIDE. I may have hopes against hopes to see someone there that I haven't seen in over a month and I'm starting to doubt I'll ever see again. Problematic for the issue of having a huge crush on them. I have half a mind to ask YAP for advice on approaching them when he comes back, but it could be a while and... what could he say, really? I don't know what I'm expecting... I don't know why I keep my hopes up even after having made up my mind not to do anything because it just wasn't reasonable. It may have something to do with how supportive Md and Nd are and how much they tell me I'm all of these nice things and how I absolutely would be better than their last partner and... what if it just doesn't make a bloody difference? I have a feeling that it won't. 

In other news, I may have talked to EBF a couple of times. I may have given him the link to this blog, which he has not so far clicked on and probably never will. I may have told him I wanted to just stop talking to him altogether and it's not happening even though we're exactly where we've always been and it's kind of exhausting for me. I haven't heard from SmTn in a long time. I haven't even seen him online and Skype says he was last active three weeks ago, though it may only been pointing to the last time I sent him a message ("Hello. Wondering how you were doing and if you were back from holidays yet" in maybe not those exact words). Somewhat unexpectedly, AOB started talking to me sent me a message yesterday to tell me about The Grand Budapest Hotel. Not much happened there. 

As it is, I don't know what to mention for tomorrow's highs and lows. The facilitators will want me to talk and tomorrow is one day I will not be wanting to talk. I may have hurt feelings when I said I didn't feel connected to anyone in group. I said I cared about them and wished them all the best. I said I keep more hope for them than I do for myself, but I do not feel connected to them. The fact is that even when I can empathise with their situations, I do not allow myself to get too attached because I realise the only reason we are all there is that we all have problems and no one will be there forever as we will all be graduating eventually and our bonds are not nearly strong enough to build a relationship later. Not connected. Not that I don't see them as real human beings, I acknowledge that, or that I'd feel comfortable sharing as much as I do with them with anyone else, but that's sort of the purpose of group therapy. It's just that what I really need right now are good friends and those are in very short supply. 

Md and Nd are my closest friends right now. I haven't heard back from NGBB in a fairly long time now and he was my closest friend before that around these parts. Nd, as I may have mentioned before, is quite complicated and I fear a bit too immature to have meaningful conversations wiht. Md is ok, and I am doing as much as I can to help her and be supportive to her and not be overly nosy and to not let my eyes drift (though I sometimes think it may be just her fashion choices...). I have meaningful conversations with her, it's just that I often feel we don't have nearly enough in common to really connect. Then there's A, but meh, and... that leaves no one. I want a real connection like the one I had with AOB, or EBF, or SmTn and it's impossible. I don't know how to make friends and I obviously don't know how to keep them. There is something fundamentally wrong about the way I approach relationships and I worry ever more that I'm seen as little more than a piece of meat. 

And that's without bringing up life and succeeding in life and such serious things as adults should concern themselves with. I can't do it. I am guilty of having forgotten to withdraw money from the bank while it was a good time to do so (I told the old man I would, I told myself I would, and then I fucked up twice in a row and by tomorrow it will already be late). I am guiltier still because I've splurged in non-essential products like a hair straightener and make-up, which I can't justify like I do meals. Even though they were cheap, they cost very real money that I can't afford to spend. Not if I want to leave. And my depressive state, which inabilitates me to find employment, even for the last two months before classes begin, or to even secure employment for the Fall semester, might do worse than that: I may opt out of moving out at all. 

Oh, I also didn't mention that. I had a conversation with mum where she urged me not to leave and made me almost cry (I teared up but held back because I was at Md's place with her and Nd) only to, a few hours later, send me a message saying she supported me. The whole thing started with me saying I had considered moving out. I just don't want to worry her. The old man also wants to send money my way... bless him. And cousin S wants me to pay for car maintenance on Saturday. Wonderful. 

My thoughts are too disconnected right now. Perhaps I'll attempt to write something interesting later. Until then.