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Friday, 2 May 2014

Starting to understand some status updates

You know how sometimes people you know on facebook make a status update to say they're bored and want company in their boredom? I always thought it was silly until now. Just today, about 10min ago to be more precise. I always thought it came across as a bit needy and that you couldn't possibly be so desperate for company and then... today it's raining. It was warm and humid in my bedroom. Warm and humid enough that I woke up well before the time I was supposed to and well before any decent sleep was gotten (hah! like any was to be had!). I left extra early. My excuse this morning was meeting with Pf2 for an experiment. I was on time, so was ON and Pf2 was late. It was raining so we were even later. Instead of starting at 9am, like planned, we started closer to 11am. It's still raining outside. I'm alone in my office and trying to think of excuses not to leave campus. Why, I'm actively thinking of contacting people I know in the hopes that I can come up with something interesting to do so that they will want to spend time with me. Aaand, I actually did it. I'm mortified by the thought of being shot down but I don't dare show up to a shabbat without NGBB. I even left him a message telling him I miss him. Look at me, all sappy in the rain...

I love the rain, I really do. I just hate that in this warm, humid weather, the rain is equal to getting wet and miserable, getting smelly feet (I'm wearing leather flats that have been soaked thoroughly earlier today), and being alone in my office because it's better than being alone in a hot and stuffy room I can't even sleep in. I laughed at the flooded parking lots (I won't be laughing if it keeps me stuck on campus, though), I waded through the floods and jumped across puddles. I didn't even mind the cold that much, being wet. I don't mind the fact that I look a bit shitty and the sweater I'm wearing doesn't match the rest of my outfit. I don't care that I went without the perfume today and my hair is starting to become visibly greasy. I care that I'm alone and, more importantly, feeling lonely. I care about the fact that I have no one to talk to right now and I could really use a friendly conversation. I care about the fact that I'm afraid to sound too pitiful in my attempts at human interaction because coming across as too much of a loser might make me fail before I even start trying. 

Thank goodness it worked. And by "it worked" I mean I messaged someone and asked whether they'd like to get together and play magic cards, throwing in the promise of bringing candy. He kindly assured me no such thing was necessary. I, of course brought the candy anyway. I made a mental note not to try and explain myself or my loneliness and desire to meet with people but it was almost the first thing out of my mouth when I got there. I'm good at strategy like that. I offered to help and ended up washing the dishes, which I fear may have made me look a bit condescending but it came more from a place of nurture. There he was, offering us all scrambled eggs because he couldn't really offer us anything else and he didn't know whether the eggs were scrambled enough before putting them in the too-small-and-not-nearly-hot-enough pan, we had no forks to eat with, the salt came out of tiny packets like the ones one might get at a cafeteria and... the instinct just kicked in and took over. Want to break down the protein in the eggs? Add a pinch of salt. Want to make the eggs fluffier? Add a splash of milk or cream. I refrained from telling him to wait for the pan to be hot before he added the eggs but I couldn't help myself from pointing out he could ruin the non-stick coating by running cold water over the fresh-out-of-the-stove pan. 

Oh dear, I'm feeling more and more positive my suggestions for the officers will be seen as a commentary on their performance and a condescending "I can do it better" statement. Damn it! Why do I feel the need to display this awful know-it-all nature? It helps no one! Yes, I know a lot of useless facts but there's a difference between remarking interesting facts and being a pain and I don't want to get there. 

Towards the end of the evening, I zoned out quite a bit, our host left the table to check his computer and was soon sleepy. When the others said it was about time to leave I said I had better get going and I left. It was at least a little awkward. I hate that he says "It was nice hanging out with you" and I can't think of a proper response because "you too" fits so poorly in this context...

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