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Sunday, 11 May 2014

Not really on the occasion

I promised mum I'd buy mother's day presents so, I made my mind up to go out to buy them on Friday afternoon. I didn't want to go by myself and I needed an excuse to take longer being outside, so I left a couple of people a message asking if they'd like to come with. NGBB would have been the perfect choice but he's away. YAP is also out of town. I tried Nd and Md. Three hours later I hadn't received an answer from either. I was already on my way out when I decided to look at my phone and found a message from Nd asking if they were too late to join me. Absolutely not. We went out shopping, tried on make-up, chatted a lot*, had dinner, and had a sleepover chez les A. 

I told them I thought I'd seen Md wearing purple eyeliner and I wanted to do a makeover on her and they agreed it sounded fun, so we made arrangements for a girls' day in on Saturday where we did facial treatments, put stuff on our hair and did our make-up and nails. It was fun. Nd was a bit child-like, mashing all the brushes into all the pretty colours and Md wanted to take it all in and learn everything she could (I did my best to teach what I could). We have made plans to do it again, at least Md and I. She's interested in wearing make-up on a daily basis and could use some pointers on natural make-up that can help her look more feminine. My heart smiles for her. All she had was a five month old tube of mascara and foundation that was the wrong shade for her. She said she'd gone out with others but they never quite got to the part where they were supposed to teach her how to wear the make-up, so she was stunted. I daresay she may have never worn a full face of make-up before and the moment when she saw her face done was more emotional than she let on. I also maybe tried to downplay it and said it was all about me wanting to play with make-up. I'm not sure why. 

I gave her a tube of new mascara (I wouldn't give her old mascara! what kind of person do you think I am?), a sample of primer, a tube of lipgloss and the lipstick we used on her to add to her collection. I hope it evens out with buying Nd dinner, letting them stay over and giving them one of the lipstains I got for the mother's day presents. I do realise I gave Md more things, and it almost seems like I made the day entirely for her (which maybe I did), but I didn't want Nd to feel neglected. I don't want her to feel neglected. I'm not sure how to be fair with such things, but Nd mentioned some other friend of theirs gave them a lot of fancy products and Md had only her little ziplock bag with 3-4 things in it... Plus, I think it means more to Md to have more make-up and be willing to wear it out. Oh! She actually wore the make-up out! Only the two people who worked at a pizza place saw her, but she wore the make-up out! I was excited for her...

Side note: I sent aunt A a text message with an observation about Md and I think she handled the situation as well as she could. Points for her. I didn't try to correct her mixed-up notions of cross-dressing, sexual orientation and trans-ness, but she made a point out of being very accepting and even used Md's preferred pronouns. I pointed this out to Md and told her aunt A called her a lovely girl who is welcome, along with Nd, anytime. Ally visibility campaign. 

I realise I took on this nurturing/caring and quite motherly role. For both of them. I wanted to teach them, I wanted to pamper them, I wanted to treat them to a nice time. I suppose it transfers to what I'm doing for the PRIDE officers. "Here, child. Let me do that for you. See? This is how you're supposed to do it. Now you try it." Annoying, if not seen as an act that comes from a place of caring. Condescending, as I've warned before. Especially because there are a number of things I cannot do for them and so I take on the things that I can. In NGBB's case it's particularly trying because I want to do something for him but he's gone and it's all I can do to cheer him on and tell him I'm proud of him and happy for him as he inches out of the closet. 

As for the things I can do... I may have started stepping on people's toes asking for further instructions regarding the t-shirt design... It's partially their fault for not doing their jobs properly the first time and getting insane quotes for no-design-in-particular. Their expectations are unrealistic either way. I'm trying to work with them and adapt the design and scope of the t-shirt project but I need more instructions. And I will likely piss someone off in the process of asking for them.*sigh*

What else is new? Mother's day, of course. Mum actually sent me a message asking why I hadn't wished her a happy day. Enough said.

Oh, and this may also be the first post where I address the fact that I gave EBF a link to this blog. He has not clicked through, though. 

Hello! You've now found your appointed abbreviation. Make of it what you will. 

I suppose any mention of sharing the blog deliberately would warrant an explanation if I were telling this to anyone other than him, so I'll go ahead and cover that now. I'd asked EBF for advice on the sex-ed videos intended for PRIDE. He said he'd take a look at them and eventually did but didn't have time to tell me any of his thoughts about them. I snapped. Again, I guess. I grew restless and angry. At him for the empty promises of helping me and wanting to talk to me yet not really having time to and at myself for putting up with it even though I'd sort of decided long ago that I had given up on it. 

It angers me to think that when I point such things out to him he has time to talk but not any other time. No time to say hello, but if I say "Maybe let's do without talking" then he does want to talk. And he asked if my decision is based on wanting to gain control of the situation but, at the core, it's not. It's about the fact that he's not the friend I remember and I don't know the person he is anymore. It's about the fact that we've grown in different directions and I can make peace with that but not with pretending we can/should still have "usual" conversations because it's just not possible. Not without major filling in the blanks and since there's no time for that then I don't know where we'd start having a proper conversation. Hint: we haven't. Chit chat is for acquaintances and polite strangers. Not for friends. And I don't care for chit chat with strangers, I'd rather just nod their way and get going, so that's what I'm doing here, or that's what I'd like to do. I'm upset because he hasn't written back. Not to acknowledge the fact that he saw the link to the blog, not to say he agrees we should just stop talking already, not to say goodbye (at least that sense of finality and closure was there with SmTn), not at all. 

The cheap psychology angle of it does not elude me. I'm pouring myself into bettering the lives of others because my life is clearly shit and I am trying to strengthen relationships with relative strangers (lovely strangers, but still strangers) like NGBB, Nd and Md trying to make up for the lost connections that actually meant anything. I can hear my brain screaming for attention and for worthwhile interaction. I want to have an intelligent conversation with someone who is committed to it. I want to share my thoughts and bounce ideas back and forth until they take form. I want a voice other than my own to reassure me and contradict me. I want someone I can talk to about my feelings, someone I can tell about the crazies, someone to confide in, someone who can put up with me, someone to hear back from, someone who feels as comfortable sharing as I am listening. It's the fact that I have none of this that makes me feel impossibly lonely and that's why it doesn't make sense to pretend I can still talk to EBF: none of this is in our conversations anymore and it's not because the "things we used to talk about" (philosophy, films and very little else, according to him) are gone (even though they're not!). It's because the "talking about things" is gone. The real kind of talking of the kind where we could finish each other's sentences and speak a language of our own and know what to say to make the other smile. The kind of talking where I don't have to use negative "get out of jail for free" cards to tell important news.

The same kind of talking I can imagine when I think of gender neutral pronouns in Swedish and Conchita and I know can't happen with SmTn.

YAP told me I'm most likely what they call demisexual. It seems to be what I call "hopeless romantic," because it speaks of only being sexually attracted to people you are romantically invested in. However, the term should be broader because I don't just have trouble falling in and out of romantic interest: I have trouble feeling attached to people. I have trouble because I don't easily become attached and when I do I inevitably become too attached and get pulled along by inertia even after everything is long over. Something about investments and how you keep throwing money at a broken down car because you've already put so much into it comes to mind. I keep nurturing relationships long after their expiration date because I only had so much loving to give and it all went there and I don't know where else to put it so I keep throwing it away. It's like all my eggs are in the same broken basket but I keep putting them into my broken basket because it's the only one I have, even if all the eggs go straight through the broken lining and just smash to pieces. This is probably something worth talking about in therapy, if the psychiatrist manages to get me referred to someone without somehow using up all of my paid hours of treatment. It must not be "the healthy thing to do," getting attached the way I do. I just don't know any other way of caring about people. 




*I told Nd about them and Nd said they knew the ex. The ex struck them as being a manipulative not-very-nice-person who used them under the pretence/excuse of a polyamorous relationship. Bad break-up indeed. Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

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