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Thursday, 8 May 2014

First?

This is officially a few days late, but I've been in a bad spell of "not being in the right mood to write" for the last couple of days. You know how people buy their clothes already made and ready to be worn? Not that I don't, but I'm trying to make an analogy. Well, when I'm in that impossible mood it feels like my thoughts are this huge mass of cotton fluff that needs to be seeded, combed, twisted, turned and tamed to be turned into thread. The thread must then be woven into fabric, and the fabric must then be turned into clothes. Sometimes my brain is flat out of any of the middle steps and presents me with nothing but a huge cloud of aimless wandering thoughts and I cannot gather the energies to take on the task of making sense of them. Could also be the depression acting up, to be fair.

News then, or sort of. I may have been on my very first date with a woman. Except I did not think it was a date and the thought did not occur to me until it was almost over and I started feeling uneasy about it. The woman in question is Tx. She sent me a text message on Sunday and asked if I could help her with a slow tango-ish dance number for some theatre-related event and I said "sure," offering to help with song selection if necessary and to meet whenever to talk about it. She sent me a text message around 6:30pm on Tuesday asking if I'd had dinner yet and if I was hungry. We agreed on a time and place and met. We had dinner, we chatted and it was lovely. She's really very nice. When did it start getting date-y, then? When she offered to pay for the check. YAP paid for lunch on Sunday but he let me buy ice cream and it was YAP so I knew it was fine. Tx paid for dinner, and two chocolate bars, and left a very generous tip, which amounted to the equivalent of four meals all added up even though she only had one. It doesn't strike me as usual for someone on a college student budget. Maybe she was just being nice, since it was her idea to go out for dinner to a restaurant in the first place, maybe she remembered I've been looking for a cheap place to live, maybe she wanted to treat me because I'll be helping her with the dance. Except she didn't bring it up, I did, and even then we didn't talk about it for long. It could still just be a night out for dinner with a friend, though, no?

I'd always figured Tx and Ax were a couple. I wasn't sure how it would work, exactly, with Tx being a lesbian and Ax being a trans man but I assumed they'd been together since before his transition and had had the time to work something out. I could even swear it was Tx on the other side of the line when Ax said "I love you" on the phone the other day. And yet... well, Tx spoke of Ax as "my friend." "My friend" who organised a surprise birthday party and who I will be getting back to with something else for his birthday. "My friend" who is often stared at by random strangers when we go out together. And that was the other thing: at one point Tx and I sat outside the restaurant and continued to talk, at which point a woman walked past us and maybe stared a little. I didn't pay much attention to it but Tx freaked out and felt observed and under scrutiny for going out with another woman. I hadn't thought twice about it, but Tx said she noticed two men staring at us at the table and she said they must have been wondering what we'd be doing after dinner (something sex related? because we must be together? and this was all going through her head and not mine? awkward). She then walked me to the car and, for a moment there, I almost thought she'd try a goodnight kiss. It was just a goodbye hug, much like our hello hug, except it felt a bit forced. 

The truth is I would have felt forced to kiss Tx, if she'd gone for it. I don't know how I would have handled things after that, because I'm certainly not attracted to her and I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings or lead her on, but I would have felt responsible for a kiss, at least. 

I asked both A and NGBB about it and they both agreed it did sound a lot like a date to them. NGBB offered I should be very emphatic next time we talk about saying I really appreciate our friendship. NGBB said that after seeing us talk a few times he'd gotten the idea in his head that Tx kind of liked me. When I came out to him, he thought it was Tx I'd fallen for and was surprised to hear about who it actually was I had a crush on.

Speaking of which... I'm at least a little bit sorry, if Tuesday night was indeed a date, that my first non-straight date was not with them. I'm not particularly sorry it was Tx, and I'm only a little annoyed by the fact that food was used to lure me into it, but I wish it had been someone I had some interest in. 

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