## Sunday, 18 May 2014

### X-men and nazis

I've had this open for a while now and it's all I can do to go through with the initial date I was going to post this on, even though I have almost no memory left of the dream.

I had a dream about X-men and a fascist, nazi-like government chasing after them. The mutants got smart and pretended to be close to being caught while on a plane/ship heading into a big ocean. When the government plane/ship was about to catch up with them Storm conjured a big storm to both conceal the mutants and hurt the followers. I feel there was a lot more to the dream but there was a lot more to a lot of other dreams I've just gone without writing down. This morning (it's now the 24th of May) I had a dream where I was getting married and trying to decide on a colour scheme for the wedding. I only had 5-6 sets of 4-5 colours each and I must say none of them worked very well together. One of them was just pinks, another was just reds (going towards black), another was just cyan blues. I briefly considered going for both pinks and reds. The scandal...! Anyway, that's what happens when life happens, I don't get time to write about life. It doesn't help that I've still been in a shitty mood to write.

## Sunday, 11 May 2014

### Not really on the occasion

I told them I thought I'd seen Md wearing purple eyeliner and I wanted to do a makeover on her and they agreed it sounded fun, so we made arrangements for a girls' day in on Saturday where we did facial treatments, put stuff on our hair and did our make-up and nails. It was fun. Nd was a bit child-like, mashing all the brushes into all the pretty colours and Md wanted to take it all in and learn everything she could (I did my best to teach what I could). We have made plans to do it again, at least Md and I. She's interested in wearing make-up on a daily basis and could use some pointers on natural make-up that can help her look more feminine. My heart smiles for her. All she had was a five month old tube of mascara and foundation that was the wrong shade for her. She said she'd gone out with others but they never quite got to the part where they were supposed to teach her how to wear the make-up, so she was stunted. I daresay she may have never worn a full face of make-up before and the moment when she saw her face done was more emotional than she let on. I also maybe tried to downplay it and said it was all about me wanting to play with make-up. I'm not sure why.

I gave her a tube of new mascara (I wouldn't give her old mascara! what kind of person do you think I am?), a sample of primer, a tube of lipgloss and the lipstick we used on her to add to her collection. I hope it evens out with buying Nd dinner, letting them stay over and giving them one of the lipstains I got for the mother's day presents. I do realise I gave Md more things, and it almost seems like I made the day entirely for her (which maybe I did), but I didn't want Nd to feel neglected. I don't want her to feel neglected. I'm not sure how to be fair with such things, but Nd mentioned some other friend of theirs gave them a lot of fancy products and Md had only her little ziplock bag with 3-4 things in it... Plus, I think it means more to Md to have more make-up and be willing to wear it out. Oh! She actually wore the make-up out! Only the two people who worked at a pizza place saw her, but she wore the make-up out! I was excited for her...

Side note: I sent aunt A a text message with an observation about Md and I think she handled the situation as well as she could. Points for her. I didn't try to correct her mixed-up notions of cross-dressing, sexual orientation and trans-ness, but she made a point out of being very accepting and even used Md's preferred pronouns. I pointed this out to Md and told her aunt A called her a lovely girl who is welcome, along with Nd, anytime. Ally visibility campaign.

I realise I took on this nurturing/caring and quite motherly role. For both of them. I wanted to teach them, I wanted to pamper them, I wanted to treat them to a nice time. I suppose it transfers to what I'm doing for the PRIDE officers. "Here, child. Let me do that for you. See? This is how you're supposed to do it. Now you try it." Annoying, if not seen as an act that comes from a place of caring. Condescending, as I've warned before. Especially because there are a number of things I cannot do for them and so I take on the things that I can. In NGBB's case it's particularly trying because I want to do something for him but he's gone and it's all I can do to cheer him on and tell him I'm proud of him and happy for him as he inches out of the closet.

As for the things I can do... I may have started stepping on people's toes asking for further instructions regarding the t-shirt design... It's partially their fault for not doing their jobs properly the first time and getting insane quotes for no-design-in-particular. Their expectations are unrealistic either way. I'm trying to work with them and adapt the design and scope of the t-shirt project but I need more instructions. And I will likely piss someone off in the process of asking for them.*sigh*

What else is new? Mother's day, of course. Mum actually sent me a message asking why I hadn't wished her a happy day. Enough said.

Oh, and this may also be the first post where I address the fact that I gave EBF a link to this blog. He has not clicked through, though.

Hello! You've now found your appointed abbreviation. Make of it what you will.

I suppose any mention of sharing the blog deliberately would warrant an explanation if I were telling this to anyone other than him, so I'll go ahead and cover that now. I'd asked EBF for advice on the sex-ed videos intended for PRIDE. He said he'd take a look at them and eventually did but didn't have time to tell me any of his thoughts about them. I snapped. Again, I guess. I grew restless and angry. At him for the empty promises of helping me and wanting to talk to me yet not really having time to and at myself for putting up with it even though I'd sort of decided long ago that I had given up on it.

It angers me to think that when I point such things out to him he has time to talk but not any other time. No time to say hello, but if I say "Maybe let's do without talking" then he does want to talk. And he asked if my decision is based on wanting to gain control of the situation but, at the core, it's not. It's about the fact that he's not the friend I remember and I don't know the person he is anymore. It's about the fact that we've grown in different directions and I can make peace with that but not with pretending we can/should still have "usual" conversations because it's just not possible. Not without major filling in the blanks and since there's no time for that then I don't know where we'd start having a proper conversation. Hint: we haven't. Chit chat is for acquaintances and polite strangers. Not for friends. And I don't care for chit chat with strangers, I'd rather just nod their way and get going, so that's what I'm doing here, or that's what I'd like to do. I'm upset because he hasn't written back. Not to acknowledge the fact that he saw the link to the blog, not to say he agrees we should just stop talking already, not to say goodbye (at least that sense of finality and closure was there with SmTn), not at all.

The cheap psychology angle of it does not elude me. I'm pouring myself into bettering the lives of others because my life is clearly shit and I am trying to strengthen relationships with relative strangers (lovely strangers, but still strangers) like NGBB, Nd and Md trying to make up for the lost connections that actually meant anything. I can hear my brain screaming for attention and for worthwhile interaction. I want to have an intelligent conversation with someone who is committed to it. I want to share my thoughts and bounce ideas back and forth until they take form. I want a voice other than my own to reassure me and contradict me. I want someone I can talk to about my feelings, someone I can tell about the crazies, someone to confide in, someone who can put up with me, someone to hear back from, someone who feels as comfortable sharing as I am listening. It's the fact that I have none of this that makes me feel impossibly lonely and that's why it doesn't make sense to pretend I can still talk to EBF: none of this is in our conversations anymore and it's not because the "things we used to talk about" (philosophy, films and very little else, according to him) are gone (even though they're not!). It's because the "talking about things" is gone. The real kind of talking of the kind where we could finish each other's sentences and speak a language of our own and know what to say to make the other smile. The kind of talking where I don't have to use negative "get out of jail for free" cards to tell important news.

The same kind of talking I can imagine when I think of gender neutral pronouns in Swedish and Conchita and I know can't happen with SmTn.

YAP told me I'm most likely what they call demisexual. It seems to be what I call "hopeless romantic," because it speaks of only being sexually attracted to people you are romantically invested in. However, the term should be broader because I don't just have trouble falling in and out of romantic interest: I have trouble feeling attached to people. I have trouble because I don't easily become attached and when I do I inevitably become too attached and get pulled along by inertia even after everything is long over. Something about investments and how you keep throwing money at a broken down car because you've already put so much into it comes to mind. I keep nurturing relationships long after their expiration date because I only had so much loving to give and it all went there and I don't know where else to put it so I keep throwing it away. It's like all my eggs are in the same broken basket but I keep putting them into my broken basket because it's the only one I have, even if all the eggs go straight through the broken lining and just smash to pieces. This is probably something worth talking about in therapy, if the psychiatrist manages to get me referred to someone without somehow using up all of my paid hours of treatment. It must not be "the healthy thing to do," getting attached the way I do. I just don't know any other way of caring about people.

*I told Nd about them and Nd said they knew the ex. The ex struck them as being a manipulative not-very-nice-person who used them under the pretence/excuse of a polyamorous relationship. Bad break-up indeed. Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

## Thursday, 8 May 2014

### First?

This is officially a few days late, but I've been in a bad spell of "not being in the right mood to write" for the last couple of days. You know how people buy their clothes already made and ready to be worn? Not that I don't, but I'm trying to make an analogy. Well, when I'm in that impossible mood it feels like my thoughts are this huge mass of cotton fluff that needs to be seeded, combed, twisted, turned and tamed to be turned into thread. The thread must then be woven into fabric, and the fabric must then be turned into clothes. Sometimes my brain is flat out of any of the middle steps and presents me with nothing but a huge cloud of aimless wandering thoughts and I cannot gather the energies to take on the task of making sense of them. Could also be the depression acting up, to be fair.

News then, or sort of. I may have been on my very first date with a woman. Except I did not think it was a date and the thought did not occur to me until it was almost over and I started feeling uneasy about it. The woman in question is Tx. She sent me a text message on Sunday and asked if I could help her with a slow tango-ish dance number for some theatre-related event and I said "sure," offering to help with song selection if necessary and to meet whenever to talk about it. She sent me a text message around 6:30pm on Tuesday asking if I'd had dinner yet and if I was hungry. We agreed on a time and place and met. We had dinner, we chatted and it was lovely. She's really very nice. When did it start getting date-y, then? When she offered to pay for the check. YAP paid for lunch on Sunday but he let me buy ice cream and it was YAP so I knew it was fine. Tx paid for dinner, and two chocolate bars, and left a very generous tip, which amounted to the equivalent of four meals all added up even though she only had one. It doesn't strike me as usual for someone on a college student budget. Maybe she was just being nice, since it was her idea to go out for dinner to a restaurant in the first place, maybe she remembered I've been looking for a cheap place to live, maybe she wanted to treat me because I'll be helping her with the dance. Except she didn't bring it up, I did, and even then we didn't talk about it for long. It could still just be a night out for dinner with a friend, though, no?

I'd always figured Tx and Ax were a couple. I wasn't sure how it would work, exactly, with Tx being a lesbian and Ax being a trans man but I assumed they'd been together since before his transition and had had the time to work something out. I could even swear it was Tx on the other side of the line when Ax said "I love you" on the phone the other day. And yet... well, Tx spoke of Ax as "my friend." "My friend" who organised a surprise birthday party and who I will be getting back to with something else for his birthday. "My friend" who is often stared at by random strangers when we go out together. And that was the other thing: at one point Tx and I sat outside the restaurant and continued to talk, at which point a woman walked past us and maybe stared a little. I didn't pay much attention to it but Tx freaked out and felt observed and under scrutiny for going out with another woman. I hadn't thought twice about it, but Tx said she noticed two men staring at us at the table and she said they must have been wondering what we'd be doing after dinner (something sex related? because we must be together? and this was all going through her head and not mine? awkward). She then walked me to the car and, for a moment there, I almost thought she'd try a goodnight kiss. It was just a goodbye hug, much like our hello hug, except it felt a bit forced.

The truth is I would have felt forced to kiss Tx, if she'd gone for it. I don't know how I would have handled things after that, because I'm certainly not attracted to her and I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings or lead her on, but I would have felt responsible for a kiss, at least.

I asked both A and NGBB about it and they both agreed it did sound a lot like a date to them. NGBB offered I should be very emphatic next time we talk about saying I really appreciate our friendship. NGBB said that after seeing us talk a few times he'd gotten the idea in his head that Tx kind of liked me. When I came out to him, he thought it was Tx I'd fallen for and was surprised to hear about who it actually was I had a crush on.

Speaking of which... I'm at least a little bit sorry, if Tuesday night was indeed a date, that my first non-straight date was not with them. I'm not particularly sorry it was Tx, and I'm only a little annoyed by the fact that food was used to lure me into it, but I wish it had been someone I had some interest in.

## Monday, 5 May 2014

### Forever Alone

I could write about PRIDE again today, but I won't. I could write about how I started a mind map designed to build an essay about being an ally to be turned into a presentation and how I want to follow that presentation with a series of videos or comics depicting scenarios where you have a choice to be a good ally. I could be typing up $\LaTeX$ code for the lecture notes I'm not quite done with yet so I don't feel so bad not getting back to the nice maths professor. I could be touching up on the common misconceptions and reading more about gender identity, gender expression and sexual orientation. I could be doing the graphs Pf2 asked for, or reading about how to analyze the data. I'm not. Because I could be working on the sex ed section I had thought of for the newcomers and I can't. I can't because I asked EBF for advice next week and he agreed to give me some feedback if I reached him on Sunday. I asked if I should rather wait for him to signal that he was not busy, but he said to contact him on Sunday. Yesterday was Sunday. All day, I didn't hear from EBF. Around 10pm, I sent him my list of YouTube videos for him to look at and give me opinions and suggestions about. I noticed he received the message but he didn't say anything. I waited until today but still had no answer, so I just asked: "opinions? suggestions?" and he just wrote back saying he had a lot to say, just no time to say it and he felt bad about it (yeah, sure). It occurs to me now that EBF is doing exactly what he said SmTn shouldn't do. He's dragging me along and insisting on me being his friend indefinitely even though he can't be a good friend to me. He's being selfish and it should not have taken me that long to see it. So... I could write about PRIDE, but I won't. I will just write about howI'm putting aside the notion of false friendships and giving up on them (friendships with SmTn and EBF)

The title is self-explanatory, except I've already pointed out there's not much to be learned of my love interest (goodness! that sounds awful!)... I attended an officer meeting again. They weren't there, again. I needed an excuse to be out of the house, yet again, and YAP was more than willing, bless his heart. I was with him all afternoon and well into the night. I was with him long enough that, after my practice with NGBB, I felt quite comfortable telling him their name. He offered they'd just been through a bad break up and... mentioned the name of the ex. That's who I'm stalking. For shame. I know. I can beat myself well enough without help, thank you very much.

As far as I can tell, they're every beet (wtf, me?) as sweet as I might have guessed. Who leaves their partner pictures of cute animals? Of their cute favourite animals? Who leaves a happy birthday greeting filled by lines upon lines (as many as facebook allows) of exclamation points? As far as I can tell, the break up was far more recent than I thought (within two weeks of me finding out they were single). I think I'll stop there. That's invasive enough already.

YAP didn't get my hopes up. I think that's precisely why he brought up the break up. I told him I had no hopes and that I was quite sure they already know about my interest and did not feel the same about me. I am now almost sure it was actually them doing the kind of shameless asking out and that might explain why they haven't been to more officer meetings. It's either that and/or the fact that it was most likely them who botched up the ally meeting. I can ask about that, actually. Oh, the sleaziness...

The things I will do for information... the things I will do when I should be sleeping and have an early-ish morning ahead of me...

## Friday, 2 May 2014

### Starting to understand some status updates

You know how sometimes people you know on facebook make a status update to say they're bored and want company in their boredom? I always thought it was silly until now. Just today, about 10min ago to be more precise. I always thought it came across as a bit needy and that you couldn't possibly be so desperate for company and then... today it's raining. It was warm and humid in my bedroom. Warm and humid enough that I woke up well before the time I was supposed to and well before any decent sleep was gotten (hah! like any was to be had!). I left extra early. My excuse this morning was meeting with Pf2 for an experiment. I was on time, so was ON and Pf2 was late. It was raining so we were even later. Instead of starting at 9am, like planned, we started closer to 11am. It's still raining outside. I'm alone in my office and trying to think of excuses not to leave campus. Why, I'm actively thinking of contacting people I know in the hopes that I can come up with something interesting to do so that they will want to spend time with me. Aaand, I actually did it. I'm mortified by the thought of being shot down but I don't dare show up to a shabbat without NGBB. I even left him a message telling him I miss him. Look at me, all sappy in the rain...

I love the rain, I really do. I just hate that in this warm, humid weather, the rain is equal to getting wet and miserable, getting smelly feet (I'm wearing leather flats that have been soaked thoroughly earlier today), and being alone in my office because it's better than being alone in a hot and stuffy room I can't even sleep in. I laughed at the flooded parking lots (I won't be laughing if it keeps me stuck on campus, though), I waded through the floods and jumped across puddles. I didn't even mind the cold that much, being wet. I don't mind the fact that I look a bit shitty and the sweater I'm wearing doesn't match the rest of my outfit. I don't care that I went without the perfume today and my hair is starting to become visibly greasy. I care that I'm alone and, more importantly, feeling lonely. I care about the fact that I have no one to talk to right now and I could really use a friendly conversation. I care about the fact that I'm afraid to sound too pitiful in my attempts at human interaction because coming across as too much of a loser might make me fail before I even start trying.

Thank goodness it worked. And by "it worked" I mean I messaged someone and asked whether they'd like to get together and play magic cards, throwing in the promise of bringing candy. He kindly assured me no such thing was necessary. I, of course brought the candy anyway. I made a mental note not to try and explain myself or my loneliness and desire to meet with people but it was almost the first thing out of my mouth when I got there. I'm good at strategy like that. I offered to help and ended up washing the dishes, which I fear may have made me look a bit condescending but it came more from a place of nurture. There he was, offering us all scrambled eggs because he couldn't really offer us anything else and he didn't know whether the eggs were scrambled enough before putting them in the too-small-and-not-nearly-hot-enough pan, we had no forks to eat with, the salt came out of tiny packets like the ones one might get at a cafeteria and... the instinct just kicked in and took over. Want to break down the protein in the eggs? Add a pinch of salt. Want to make the eggs fluffier? Add a splash of milk or cream. I refrained from telling him to wait for the pan to be hot before he added the eggs but I couldn't help myself from pointing out he could ruin the non-stick coating by running cold water over the fresh-out-of-the-stove pan.

Oh dear, I'm feeling more and more positive my suggestions for the officers will be seen as a commentary on their performance and a condescending "I can do it better" statement. Damn it! Why do I feel the need to display this awful know-it-all nature? It helps no one! Yes, I know a lot of useless facts but there's a difference between remarking interesting facts and being a pain and I don't want to get there.

Towards the end of the evening, I zoned out quite a bit, our host left the table to check his computer and was soon sleepy. When the others said it was about time to leave I said I had better get going and I left. It was at least a little awkward. I hate that he says "It was nice hanging out with you" and I can't think of a proper response because "you too" fits so poorly in this context...

### Rainbow everything. If you don't want to read about pride, move on.

It's late. I should be going to sleep. I really should be going to sleep, actually, because it's not only late but it's late on a day when I've agreed to be in the office at 8:30am. It's downright inconvenient. But there were plans with the PRIDE officers to go out and play laser tag and I thought maybe they'd be there, maybe they wouldn't (they weren't) and it was the last day I got to see NGBB before he leaves and... have I ever needed an excuse to hang out with the PRIDE people?

It started out with laser tag and then we stopped to buy some food and then met to watch a film and play cards and talk. It's sweet because we were offered healthy fruit smoothies (to be spiked by those who wanted to drink, but it was absolutely optional) and it was all in good fun even when all we did was watch awful game shows and joke about the contestants and the ridiculousness of it all.

In the spirit of honesty, it being midnight and the fact that I'd been on the verge of telling him at least twice before (not that he would have caught on), I told NGBB about them. I even told him my sexual experience consists of giving a guy blow jobs a good 8 years ago. I was surprisingly nervous. I didn't expect to be, in the safety of a car and an understanding audience who had shared quite a bit with me already. I still felt a need to just go through with it and say it. I did and it was exhilarating. NGBB is not the first person I tell about them. I've told A, EBF, the people in group... he's just the first to know both of us. He almost misunderstood me and thought we'd gotten something going until I explained all I've done is glance their way and cheesily contemplate the way their eyes twinkle when they laugh. I omitted the part where I've been showing up places I think they might be. I told him I think it's hopeless and nothing will ever happen. He started telling me about his earlier days of realising he was gay and sort of got cut off when we arrived at his place. I intend to stay in touch with him, if only to ask how his week at home went and how his new internship pans out.

I didn't get to tell him and I don't suppose he would've understood, but I'll say it now: thanks, NGBB. So much more than YAP constantly telling me he loves me and complimenting me and sending heart icons in messages (it's quickly starting to get old), the fact that you were the real flesh person I'm half close with and can be that honest with means the world to me.