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Sunday, 27 April 2014

Spoon --> introduced

I've been hanging out with the pride folk quite a lot lately. All day Thursday for day of silence events (well into 1am, actually), then Friday night (until midnight), then again today when I crashed an officer meeting and ended up being taught how to play magic cards. 

On the brighter side of things, my ideas for a wall of change (instead of a wall of hate) and a movie festival spread over a week (instead of a single movie night) seemed good to the officers. Score one for making a difference, however small. I picked up on an awful lack of organisation when putting together events and just about everything. I picked up on a lot of disagreements that were completely pointless. I picked up on a bit of cattiness that helped no one. After talking to someone who would know better (hint: he didn't) I've been assured that my heart is in the right place and I should continue to offer my help in any way it will be accepted, even if it doesn't necessarily show results. I don't have to get along with everyone and, if I butt in as much as I think will help move things forward, I definitely won't. But I'm okay with it.

I was worried, honestly, when NGBB mentioned on Friday that he will be gone in summer and will not return until after I graduate. He's my first pride buddy. I can't replace him and I haven't found anyone else who shares my passion for The Phantom of the Opera, but I'm quite confident it will all be okay because just about everyone is absolutely lovely. I feel welcome. I can be myself and when I excuse my weirdness I'm told I'm special. I can honest questions. That's a typo, but I suppose I'll make that mean that I can both ask and answer questions honestly. In fact, quite a few people have been exceedingly honest around me and that's without me knowing them all that well to begin with. Because this is the internet, I will not speak of any of the things that have been shared which I think touch on sensitive topics. I will only point out how wonderful it is to find this kind of honesty outside of group therapy. I felt comfortable sharing the fact that my living situation is not ideal, I called things out by name in a matter-of-fact kind of way and the response of people around me was to hug me. And I love them. 

Fun fact, even though they'd been in every other officer meeting, they weren't there today. I became paranoid and wondered if they saw me there and decided not to participate in the meeting. I kept looking around me hoping to see them arrive late. I guess it was strange to hear others talk about them in a negative light  (and rightly so, at that). Bubble --> popped. They're not quite as mature as I thought. I also don't know if it was them who asked someone out in a very strange way but the very mention of it made me feel jealous (Why her and not me? Besides the fact that they don't seem to acknowledge my existence?... Right). I was 100% prepared, even though I knew NGBB would be there, to talk to them and just say it: "I like you." In my head I'd add a bit more to that and it would just be a disclaimer where I said "I like you. I think you already knew that and I'm pretty sure you're not interested. I want to talk to you and I want you to understand this is not me being sleazy about spending time with you." Even though it sort of would have been, if I did it at the end of today's meeting after realising they weren't, in fact, the right person. Yay! I'm getting the pronouns right!


It looks like I'll be attending more pride events, including a social event before next Sunday. Maybe they'll be there. Maybe they won't. Kind of like with NGBB, though not quite, I can sort of be content with the idea of helping out and socialising with all of these lovely people even if I don't get to see them. I look forward to seeing them, don't get me wrong. But it's been so long since Thursday, when they didn't even stay very long or come close to where I was to say hello, that the idea has started to settle in me: it's not going to happen. C'est la vie. Shouganai. [Shit] happens. 

For now, I'm focusing on the positive aspect of feeling like I'm making a difference, feeling loved and appreciated for who I am and feeling happy to love them all. However melodramatic, at times, this environment is still quite healthy and I wish there was a way to introduce more people to it. Goodness knows I've grown used to the hugs, feel more and more like giving them and I've seen a number of people who look like they could really use them. I absolutely must include a word of thanks to my parents, for being so supportive in all this. Should it ever come to that, I would feel comfortable introducing them to a non-cisgender male partner. For the record, I've made up my mind and that's exactly what I'd do: much like with LesMisGuy and D, who I only mentioned in passing and when absolutely necessary, I'd introduce any other partner after keeping it to myself became inconvenient and I'd introduce them without taking a moment to come out as anything. I'd just say "Here is this person I am with. We are happy together." I feel confident it would go swimmingly and I am immensely thankful for this. 

What precious social skills I gain now I hope to retain for later and I'll make sure that graduation doesn't mean the end of my LGBT+ related activities. 

It just occurs to me that the title up there could maybe be introduced as sexual innuendo. I assure you it is not. For those unfamiliar with the idiom, "sticking the spoon in" in Spanish is intended to mean "getting involved" (especially where you're not particularly welcome but you simply must speak your mind). 

Putain de merde, Facebook! Je n'ai pas besoin du "Vous connaissez peut-être..." pour me rappeler de lui! Je lui connais bien! Ce n'est pas le problème. Le problème? C'est qu'ils ne me reconnaisent pas!

Someone remind me to look up investigate gender neutral adjectives and pronouns in Romance languages outside of a Google web search. It proved useless. 

[Two days later edit]
It's exciting to see NGBB's enthusiasm for the LGBT+ causes and his eagerness to just make the world a place with more smiles. We're already working on an FAQ and a common misconceptions file to offer up for use by pride. He's also busy thinking of events pride could host and ways pride could get more involved in the community. I've thought up a way to spend my spare time now that those two first files don't really require much attention until I get some feedback: I'm going to put together a powerpoint presentation and a whole talk about being an ally and doing advocacy the right way. Though it's bound to have a small percentage of effectiveness (measured in terms of how many people are bothered to do a sod after I'm done) I hope to have an impact and do better than the last talk we got about allies. If I keep this up, the officers are going to hate me a little. Can't say I'm too worried.

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