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Thursday, 10 April 2014

Over and out

Massive day long break down. Though therapists refuse to let me call it that. They refer to it as "normal/natural human feelings." Right after uncle A was reasonable about letting me make my living situation more comfortable, cousin S was insanely unreasonable. Aunt A crazy levels of unreasonable. And it was suggested I leave. And leave I will. I feel hopeless. And helpless, in the sense where you are so fucking lost you can't even begin to follow instructions on how to move forward when they are given to you. I talked to the group facilitator. She was kind enough to see me and answer my desperate e-mail and help me start making arrangements. I skipped a class today. I walked out of waiting to meet with the nice group theory professor. I told the other group members for a project I couldn't meet them today. I gave up on ever getting anywhere with her them and so she they will remain nameless. I asked if I could pick their brains, they said they were tired and gestured and though they asked if they should hug me goodbye I just waved them, and romance, goodbye. 

I'm moving out. I don't know where, but it's good to know that Tx had a few suggestions and even BCM's husband is helping me find a place. He's the first person I told about moving out. He was worried about me after cousin S called him. I haven't told mum yet. I haven't told cousin S (who asked me to call him when I had news). I'm waiting to run errands tomorrow, figure a few things out and start looking for a summer job a bit more seriously. Turns out my situation warrants help from the victims advocacy office. They're also helping me find a place to stay. I'm hoping what little money I can save is enough to get me settled somewhere and that I can leave the As without too much drama. After crying almost nonstop since yesterday night, I'm quite numb. I feel a bit like Evee in the rain, without the rain or exhilaration. I feel empty. I don't even have a purpose in life other than waiting for aunt MT to get here already. The facilitator said I should consider going to my parents over the summer period, but I don't want to stall the process of getting a damned diploma already. I just want this all to be over with as soon as possible. I just want to get the stupid job and the bloody money and pay the debts and settle somewhere far away where it's nice and cool. 

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