Search This Blog

Saturday, 5 April 2014

Note to self: life is not a faery tale

I attended the shabbat last night too. I initially just needed an excuse to be out of the house and didn't mind hanging out with NGBB for a while, but I wanted to see her too and it was on my mind. NGBB and I were quite early. I was extra early and noticed her waiting in her car and busy on her phone, just like me. I got out before her, met NGBB and we had already sat down and started talking when she walked in and hugged us hello. I was happy. I was also happy to have her beside me and with one of her arms wrapped around my waist as I wrapped one of mine around her shoulder during prayer. I could hear her singing the prayer and it was adorable: she has a very sweet voice. 

At the dining table, I sat next to her, as indicated by NGBB. And yet when she called out we were at the cool table, she signalled the person to her right, the person in front of me and not me. I could hear her talk and I eavesdropped quite a bit, which I'm afraid I am not in the least embarrassed of. She's a psychologist, also studying humanities and Italian. She was raised Catholic but grew up next to Jewish neighbours and thus knows their traditions and prayers (not just anyone will learn that much, though) and she even related both to their beginnings (seeing how Christianity evolved from Judaism). 

She's smart. I already knew that. She's adorable. I already knew that. She was avoiding me again. I don't know why I didn't see that would happen. 

After NGBB called it a night and we walked out without saying goodbye to her, I actually circled back in a bit of a crazy fit. I wanted to talk to her and tell her I like her. I wanted to try to ask her out. And it's outrageous because I haven't had a single proper conversation with her ever and all I know about her I've pieced together through careful observation and shameless eavesdropping. However, it sort of makes sense: I want to talk to her and it's hard to talk to her when we're in a social environment because she'll go ahead and talk to everyone but me. 

Nudged on by A, I sent out facebook friend requests to the two officers I've been in contact with (including the club president), to NGBB and to her. I received answers to all but one of the requests within hours. She hasn't accepted it yet. I've tried to rationalise why she wouldn't if she does know me and like me, but it's not looking good. We saw one another last night. And the night before. She has my name and e-mail address. She answered my question about the first shabbat and I actually asked her about the location directly. She's said hello and goodbye to me. If she knows me and facebook friend requests are quite inconsequential (or so I'm assured), why not accept mine? Needless to say, I'm back to the awful feelings of rejection and the black hole of despair capable of negating even the happiness that kept me up and grinning for hours on Thursday night. Worse still, I'm even more motivated to go through with the crazy plan where I come out and say "Hi. I know this is dumber than it is brave, but I like you and I'd like to get to know you better. Would you like to go out with me sometime?" I'm quite sure I know the answer: "Sorry... I'm not interested." And yet I want to push through and do it. *sigh* I don't even know why. If I can go to her and ask her out, I can go to her and talk to her. Or, more accurately, if I can't even talk to her, how the fuck am I going to ask her out? 

A is right. C'est la vie. The fact that I can picture myself with her and imagine it would be wonderful has absolutely no effect on what she thinks of me. I don't deserve her and she doesn't deserve me. The fact that I only fall for someone once every two years, on average, and it doesn't ever work out is nothing other than unfortunate. It is, after all, just a fact. It makes me very sad, though. It feels like a door shutting in front of my face with a sign that reads "Happiness is not here for you either!"

No comments:

Post a Comment