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Wednesday, 23 April 2014

Brutal honesty is hard to market

Would you believe it? I have not posted anything in a very long time and it's not because there's nothing to write. I just haven't finished my post about advocacy, which I've kept open for a week or so, and I've been in one of those moods that makes it impossible to bring myself to type.

I've had quite a few dreams lately. Notably, one about hurt animals, one where I was at the beach, and very realistic ones talking to people form pride (NGBB about last week's shabbat and Tx about housing). 

What about news?

Let's see.. I have bee lazy and not really done as much as I could to find housing options, but I've at least sorted out a loan to have money for summer tuition. I mentioned this in passing and left my parents worried. Mum's still worried about why exactly the As aren't really holding up to their end of the bargains and I dismiss it as plain and simple not being rational but she thinks I might have said or done something to upset them. Maybe something related to not wanting to stay here after I graduate. But I've already talked about that mess. Mum suggested I try to look for jobs here and didn't quite get the message: I don't want to stay here. Not to make them happy. Especially not if it's what it takes to make them happy. They make me fucking miserable and I cry when I think too hard about being here on my own. I cried before jumping on the plane to get here and I cried when aunt MT left. Why would I want to stay? I'm sorry, mum, but the problem  you are trying to solve has no solution outside of me leaving the crazies behind as soon as is humanly possible. 

There's also SmTn's message from Monday around 7 (not that it matters). He's in Turkey on vacation and he couldn't think of a song to send a YouTube link for, but he was wondering how I was doing. I freaked out, not sso understandably. On the one hand, he sent me a message!!! he was thinking of me while he's away on vacation, most likely with his girlfriend! On the other hand, I hadn't quite thought of him quite as much as you'd think. Which is to say that I still his name out loud in my thoughts randomly in between other thoughts, but I tend to think of them more often and sometimes merge the two names. I haven't felt the urge to send him a song or a message. I was just happy to see he hadn't forgotten about me because it reminded me of how much I care about him... followed by how pointless it is to think such things. I answered with a description of the picture I couldn't send: one of the chalk sign we were making on the floor when he messaged me to advertise a pride event. This pride event. Again.

I am planning to go. To help them, to try and catch a glance of someone there, I couldn't tell you which more than the other but you can probably make an educated guess. I was also going to help the transgender student union with an event that night, except it starts before the pride event is over (is it just me or is that just not very clever, considering they didn't have enough people and the people they can go to for help will be busy?). So, no I won't be going. After helping on Monday, though, I was sort of invited to come to the officer meetings. And I'm going. Partly to see someone in their natural environment (yay! it's somehow becoming easier now), partly to try and figure out a way to offer my opinion on what I think I'll witness tomorrow. Well, on that and the general silliness that they are when they're running things. But I've been warned: my words won't really mean much at first and I'll somehow have to earn their trust. Doesn't offer a lot of time, does it?

The opportunity to help an LGBT+ friendly organization had come up but it turns out I'm not legally allowed to do it. I have talked to a professor who might help me find someone to hire me over the summer and he's a very good interviewer: he wants to know about my passions and tells me he sees something in me in class that other students don't have and I'll be damned if I didn't use all those opportunities to fuck things up for myself. What are my passions? First answer, I don't have a fucking clue. Where do I see myself in the future? No clue. What do I want to work on? Whatever gives me money. Better answer about my passions? I have a passion for learning, which is why I wanted to study philosophy but quit and got a degree in literature which is completely useless. Better answer about what I'm interested in? A lie about liking what I've worked on so far, like I somehow chose this to study over other things I'm more passionate about. Why? Because engineers are not good scientists, even though of course they are and where am I going with all this? Well, fuck. He said I was the first person he talked to and that I had something other students didn't, from what he's noticed of me participating in class and e-mailing interesting things I find around the internet. I elaborated: in the last interview I had the interviewer could tell I was smart but couldn't quite figure out what I'm actually good for; what he sees in me must be my initiative (nope) and total nerdiness (#fail). I'm hopeless. I really can't seem to do anything that requires any level of strategy and, unfortunately, getting a job is one such thing. Damn it. 

Oh, and, this conversation about a job? It took place next to Pf2's office and he probably heard the whole thing and I feel bad showing my fucking face around him now because I basically said he didn't need me and wouldn't hire me. And I maybe threw him under a bus mentioning how he pays me for work other than what I'm actually doing. 

If we went on a date and I were asked to describe myself in few words, I'd have to point out I'm brutally honest and completely transparent around people I'm interested in. Which works against me when I'm too aware of it and actually try to hide parts of myself with lies, which fails fantastically because I can't terrible at it. So there you have it, kids. Learn to lie. It's a lesson that will always help you in life. You didn't hear it from me, though.

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