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Thursday, 27 March 2014

What is it like to fancy someone only a little, I wonder?

I wonder what it's like for other people. I wonder what it's like to have small, fleeting feelings of attraction for people and not get too involved or committed to them. I wonder what it's like to go into asking someone out not really caring all that much about the outcome, talking to someone who makes you smile just looking at them and not thinking of how you wouldn't mind lying in bed staring into their eyes lovingly. I wonder what it's like to not re-visit every word and every detail of every interaction and analysing them to exhaustion. I wonder what it's like to not go into liking someone head first, completely plunging into obsession and investing yourself so much that any little thing can mean eternal doom if it doesn't work out.


*sigh* Long day today. I stayed extra-late to the PRIDE meeting, where I met a few more people, and because I wanted to see her. You know who. Her. She was wearing a bow tie and a smile (which she always does and only adds to the general tingly feelings) and looked gorgeous. I discovered she claps her hands loudly when she finds something very funny and added it to the list of things I like about her. She's also very huggy with her close friends and she's adorable

She was one of the panellists talking about coming out at work and in life in general. She recommended a book I can't. actually. remember. and mentioned she'd read it during her freshman year and it had helped her a lot. 

So she's into girls. Good. 

Talking about work, she mentioned that "when she was in a relationship," her boss would ask about her partner. 

So she's single. Plus good. 

She's also had strangers hit on her and ask her out and tell her she's cute (she must know she's cute). Which tells me she probably knows when people are into her. 

Good?

And probably knows I like her. 

I'm starting to worry.

I don't know if she was deliberately avoiding eye contact with me because it was so hard to see her at all during today's meeting. She was always straight in front of a lot of people before me so that I couldn't just bend a bit to the side and catch sight of her. 

I thought I'd try talking to her about the event I talked myself into attending tomorrow, but I couldn't bring myself to go out to her and interrupt her conversation with other people, so I stood awkwardly for a while looking in another direction until nice people called out to me and invited me to sit next to them and talk to them. And so I didn't really get to talk to her, even though she was the whole reason I was there and insisted on finding a way to be at the after-social event after fucking up and showing up to the bowling alley even though they were going elsewhere. It required contacting what few people I could remember the names of and sending them messages through facebook, trying not too feel too bad about myself or sound too desperate, hoping someone would tell me where they all were. Where she was. I just wanted to see her. 

But I only got to talk to her towards the very end, when they were about to close the place we were at. And because she's awesome and lovely she was helping clean up so that the tea place people wouldn't have so much work left. And I awkwardly tried to talk to her, under the pretence of a short question, even though she was already on her way out and there was no way I would get to talk to her. She was very to the point and I started feeling stupid so I just cut her short, asked a different question, forgot about the other things I had considered talking about and then left. After saying goodbye to everyone but her. Because she was turned back when I said goodbye and I felt weird walking to her and she didn't say goodbye to me personally and I was already starting to feel shitty about feeling a little bit rejected. And that's what I feel. Rejected. I think she knows I have a crush on her and she's just not interested. She mentioned not being on her way home but to hang out with some girl and I actually felt jealous. It may mean nothing but I started making connections in my  head: not only is she not interested in me, she's interested in someone else. It's fair enough, it's just awful to realise because I have a crush on her. And it's a big crush that grew exponentially for no apparent reason. It's awful because I had made up my mind to attend a religious event for no reason other than to try and see her. And I'm going. Oh, I'm going. I'm just going to be extra-awkward because there's only two or three more people from PRIDE going. None of which I've been introduced to. Besides her. But she's not... into... me...

Fuck.

This whole having-a-crush-on-someone thing is just too much. I was supposed to work on the project and e-mail the girl who promised to teach me Chinese and has no clue what she's doing in the project. I told the maths professor I wanted to do a presentation about the Basilica group and I made an idiot of myself saying I was not approaching it via automata (which appears to be the only way to do so). I also agreed to be in the office at 8am for an experiment. And then we have a group meeting at 10am. And at 6:30pm I said I'd attend a shabbat. A shabbat. Because she said she'd be there. *sigh*

I would write about some of the people I met today, like the person who introduced himself by saying "Hi, you're perfect and I love you." He took the words right out from behind my mouth, where all the things I'm thinking but can't bring myself to say out loud stay hidden. I love him too. He's also perfect. He introduced me to his best friend. She was very sweet. I was invited to sit next to three people who were very nice and tried to make small talk but I couldn't quite follow so I just mostly pretended to laugh at what sounded like jokes and smiled a lot. But to write more in-depth opinions about them could be considered a breach on their privacy (I don't suppose you could find her by the information I've given so far, though maybe you could... I just don't want to say less-than-nice things about strangers, is what I mean). And I was too busy thinking of her. Oh, and that's without bringing up the short episode from yesterday afternoon where I chatted with ON for a little while, as he graded some papers (he was sort of begging to be talked to when he started audibly saying he hated grading papers and generally inviting conversation). When I said I would just let him go back to working he said I'd brought him back to life. In just about so many words. Cheesy. And uncomfortable. But I couldn't bang my head against the desk without him hearing me. 

And maybe that's exactly how she feels about me. How horrible!

Oh, and there's also Pf2 being very sweet. And the girl I talked to quite a bit last Thursday, who was supposed to have rung me tonight so I'd have her phone number, except the call never got through and I didn't have my phone with me when she called because I was running out of battery and didn't think to bring the charger with me and... I need to get some work done. And sleep. And decide what I'm wearing tomorrow to the shabbat (I'm assuming jeans would be inappropriate). Even though it's as stupid as it was to wear primer and try to look good today. I want to look good for the dinner thing. I don't know why the fuck I bother. I feel defeated.

On to academics then. I'm sorry about how depressing and rambly this post is.

[night after edit:]
Tonight was the shabbat. I put on pretty make up this morning, which of course left no traces by the time 6:30pm rolled around, but you could maybe tell I had at least tried. I wore girly clothes this time, a skirt and tights. I parked right outside the place a good 15+min before time and waited as I messaged A through facebook, sharing my anxieties. Just as I got out of the car I recognised a familiar and friendly face from PRIDE. He kept me company all throughout the night and I love him for it. I wanted to hug him towards the end but I fear I may have fucked up somewhere there too.

He's socially awkward like me but a bit more outgoing. Outgoing enough that he wanted to go say hello to her. She didn't notice him or his first 3-4 attempts to get noticed and say hello. When we were finally "introduced" into her tiny circle of young students, I didn't have to actively fight my instinct to blush very long because she didn't spend more than 5min before leaving to say hello to other people and then we never really saw her again. Even though by the time we sat down for dinner we sat next to some of her friends, and as the rest of her friends arrived at the table they motioned her to sit with us, she sat at another table. With her back to us. I'm positive she was avoiding us. Avoiding me. I feel so tiny right now. It's like I almost feel sorry I like her and cause her such an inconvenience that she has to give up on being with some of her friends to avoid being around me. How do I make it less awkward for her? I won't come out and tell her anything (though I sometimes daydream of coming out with it and saying it out loud, just for the record). She's not even the reason I attend pride meetings (only the reason I am so eager to attend sometimes). I was planning on joining as an ally and then I met her. I just happen to have a crush on her. I don't think I'm too open about it and I don't think I make it that evident, but she truly seems to be avoiding me and I just don't know what to do. 

I feel so tiny right now.

You know, what really bothers me is that I feel so welcome in the PRIDE club. I do. People are so nice. And she's about the only person who makes me feel unwelcome or unwanted. She's about the only person who doesn't take to me as "Hey, newcomer, let me show you around!". Granted, she was kind of cut and dry during the drag show too. Maybe it's just her shyness? Or that self-defence mechanism I made wild assumptions about? Nah, I'm just trying to get my hopes up now and that will help no one. *sigh*

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