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Saturday, 1 March 2014

The void

So, er... I owed you a story about social awkwardness. I'm still not in the mood to write about anything but I had better write a bit before things go without being written. I don't like the idea of that silence or what it would mean.

The story. On to the story. It's not so much a story, it's rather just a re-telling of how awkward it was on Sunday dancing with him again. Right off the bat, before the explanations were even over and actually as soon as the mention of "finding partners" was first brought up, he was already giving me Joey (from Friends) eyebrows from across the circle. Quite insistently, I might add. Slightly uncomfortable, you know, looking away from him and at the girl in the middle of the circle still explaining a few last things and having him right behind her very insinuatingly raising his eyebrows. While we danced he mentioned having seen me close to where my office is. I pretended not to have noticed him then but I guess I felt caught so I just said "I think I remember seeing you, that's close to where my office is." He was a bit taken aback when he realised that made me a graduate student. The dancing itself was a lot less gropey than before but I could feel his lips brushing against my forehead a few times and it made me uneasy. Then, using the lack of partners for the intermediate class, he invited me (against the others' wishes, from what I could tell) to join the dancing I intended to just observe. I think the absolute worst moment that night was when he raised his arms and stood still for me to practice my giro around him. When he did so it revealed quite a bit of hair going up to his belly. 

By the time I left he'd already decided to sit down and play on his phone. It may well be the case that I was not completely stoic and he caught on to me and felt (rightly) offended/self-conscious. He didn't go to the practice session on Wednesday night. I guess that what bothers me the most in this whole exchange is that, while very much against the idea of getting involved with him, my lady parts seemed to respond to his advances, heavy breathing and sweating from (unnecessarily and pointlessly) trying to do pull-ups. I think it actually adds to the disgust. 

I do realise that last sentence could very well mean I have issues with sex. I don't think I'll go into those now.

On another note, it's Friday. And I haven't heard from EBF. Not that I would. But I just thought I'd bring up the fact that I had a dream about talking with him and meeting with him or agreeing to and fearing he wouldn't keep his word. Because before I talked to him in dreams the way I can't in real life, and now even in dreams I'm afraid he won't keep his promises. 

Speaking of promises, I'm honestly still a little upset about the whole living situation. I'll elaborate. For one, there's the expenses I shouldn't be making but are not being covered because of broken promises. Then, there's the fact that I didn't get a birthday cake, or a birthday song being sung and that it all felt rather... bland. I swear the psychiatrist's realisation that my birthday had just gone by and her congratulations conveyed quite a bit more excitement than what I've seen from everyone here combined. Whatever I'm doing, the question keeps popping into my head: "Don't you just want to go home?" And then Pf2 really drives the point home. I asked him if he had time for me to ask for some advice regarding a project. As soon as he had time he came around with a "So, you said there was something you wanted to talk about?" and was all ears, as if he were saying "You asked for my time, you have my attention." Except in a very friendly way. I'm not sure this is coming across exactly the way I intend it to but, again, he was quite the father figure and I don't suppose he'll ever know how thankful I am. 

Also speaking of promises, this time a sort-of-unspoken one, that L-word. Love.

I have completely failed to document it, and it was really quite sudden. I can't explain it, but I'm not thinking of SmTn all that much. It's odd because I'll still whisper his name and speak it in my mind but more so out of habit than endearment as it used to be. I've even surprised myself calling out LesMisGuy's name instead of his. To be honest, I don't even miss talking to him all that much anymore. It's the strangest feeling, really. There's not so much left as the ability to dream, daydream, fantasise or even make a wish about SmTn. It feels as though I'd realised somehow that I had not a very small, infinitesimally small even, chance of being with him: I have absolutely no chance at all. It's as if all the alternate universes that I saw in my visions where we can be together suddenly collapsed out of existence. Worse still, I can almost sense that the feeling is mutual and that he's forgotten his feelings for me and now lives his ordinary, happy life as it was with his girlfriend. And instead of feeling sad, I feel nothing at all. I wonder if it's the medication at work but I think that's not it, given I still feel sad about other things. It could be nothing at all, and should have no great consequence but consider the fact that SmTn was my mantra and the thing I thought of when I wanted to conjure up happy thoughts. The happy thoughts are gone. The endearment is gone. The smiles that so naturally appeared on my lips at the faintest hint of him being seen by the corner of my mind's eye are gone. There's absolutely nothing left there, as if he'd never been there at all to begin with, and it all happened over the course of a couple of days. Literally. 

I don't know what to make of this. I wish I had someone to talk to about it. 

Speaking of promises, I think that paragraph about SmTn may sort of explain why I'll have to put off writing about love for quite some time. At least until I can go back to feeling something because SmTn is the last person I had feelings for and I feel too empty to write anything that can do such a strong word and concept any justice. I promise I'll write about it. I just don't know when.

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