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Saturday, 22 March 2014

So, I guess I'm bisexual

I'm not sure how other people deal with this kind of realisation but I've completely missed out on the drama that some people seem to find attached to non-heteronormative sexual orientations. It was more "huh, so I guess I'm into girls too." It doesn't make me question who I am nor any of my past or future choices. It doesn't scare me or in any way surprise me or upset me. It was not in any way a dramatic or climactic epiphany. It was just this realisation that I was attracted to someone (for the first time in quite a while, too) and that this someone was not cisgender male. Which is to say that, to the best of my knowledge, I'm attracted to a girl.

And there is a girl. She seems shy, but lots of fun once she lets loose, smart, strong but vulnerable, and she's masculine but a bit petite and absolutely adorable in her toughness. I have a bit of a crush on her and all I managed to do was ask her name again and introduce myself again even though she's the one who wrote down my e-mail address and I already knew her name. I needed an excuse to talk to her and was inordinately excited when she sat next to me at the table but I couldn't find a way to make conversation with her and soon after our re-introduction I was having conversations with everyone but her around me, and she started a conversation with someone-other-than-me. I don't even know if she likes girls. I don't know if she likes girls like me. All I know is I like her and feel attracted to her and after thinking about it quite a bit I absolutely can see myself kissing her and being intimate with her which sort of just proves a point I made earlier: I'm also into girls.

Only some girls. And it's true that I appear to lean towards the masculine side of the gender spectrum, but if I only like some girls the way I only like some guys I reckon the right label is "bisexual." And I like at least one girl. I like this girl. 

Now, she's as screwed as any bloke would be if anything happens between us, because I'm just as inexperienced and possibly immature as I've always been, but she stands to gain everything that was ever available from me: a promise of monogamy, caring, nurturing, selflessness and general "I want you to be happy"-ness that goes into high gear whenever I'm into someone.

On other news, gender pronouns will be the death of me until I get to know everyone well. Also, I find myself wanting to be liked by everyone in the LGBT group just like I want dogs and cats and animals in general to like me. I'm in no way comparing them to animals, but rather the way I relate to them is similar because all I want to get across in both cases is "I like you! I want to be your friend and I want you to like me!" So, basically, I want to be a Disney princess. I did find some of the more "out there" people were a bit more reserved around me. I wish it weren't so but I can absolutely see that as a defence mechanism and I won't judge them for it nor feel personally targeted. I do understand I'm the new stranger in the group and that, until proven otherwise, strangers and their judgements can be a tiny bit dangerous. I also fear that sometimes my kind of irrational love for all things LGBT comes across as being a little condescending or at least somewhat awkward and it may not sit well with everyone, so I've restrained from saying anything of the sort. I don't pity them. I love them for being different and being who they are and loving who they love. I love them the way some people fear and hate them. I realise it's a kind of prejudice but I won't let anything bad come of it because that's just not the kind of prejudice it is. I wish I could talk to someone about all this and get it all sorted out. What is the politically correct way to be as into it as I am?

*sigh*

Oh well. The announcement has been made. I had no problem telling mum about the drag show and my sister actually agreed it sounded like a lot of fun (which it was), though I maybe left out the bit about the burlesque performers for prudeness' sake. I'm not sure things will go anywhere that I'd need to make announcements, but I feel as uncomfortable telling people I have a girlfriend as I was telling people I had a boyfriend. So, it's not about her gender and rather about my stupid social awkwardness/shyness/private nature. We'll see how it goes. I wouldn't be upset to see things going that far at all, but I'll point out that by now I'm already engaging in a lot of wishful thinking.

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