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Tuesday, 18 March 2014

Sins, part two

I just did something stupid. I knew it was stupid before I did it. I even asked EBF to tell me it was stupid (which may have been a fairly stupid idea in the first place... EBF! of all people! A few lines of text and he disappeared... why am I shocked?).

I texted SmTn the link to "For The Longest Time." I've had it stuck in my head all day yesterday and today. I've known for a few hours now I'd be sending it to SmTn because I couldn't resist the urge. I knew it was stupid. I thought maybe EBF might try to persuade me not to but he stopped after saying it was stupid. Not that I was hoping he'd stop me, but I guess I at least wanted to talk about it. And I didn't get to, so I'm writing about it.

Stupid as it was, the question to ask is: why couldn't I resist the urge to contact SmTn? Besides the fact that I had a dream about him recently and can't get him out of my head, besides the fact that I miss him and miss talking to him, besides the fact that he was a very good friend and I normally would have sent him the song just to say I had it stuck in my head. I could have helped myself in spite of all that. I could have helped myself in spite of knowing he lives with his girlfriend. Happily. And I have no place in his life. And I was strong enough once to be the bigger person and should manage to stand by that. Never mind that he's contacted me. Never mind having or not having alcohol as an excuse. Never mind stupid hopes and dreams and nonsense. Do you want to know what the problem is? I'm all out of romance and I apparently can't live without it. 

The closest I've been to anything even remotely romantic was the guy from tango rubbing his leg against mine and not-at-all-smoothly asking if he'd done the new step correctly (actually insinuating "was I okay with him rubbing his leg against mine?" if I am good at reading such things and I do think I'm fairly good). The closest I've been to romance is a horny idiot with no sense of personal space boundaries or when to give the fuck up. He's disgusting and I feel defaced and I want SmTn, so bad

I guess it's bad enough that, for all I know, SmTn could have been not so unlike this idiot, just drawn to my looks and looking for some strange. I don't know! All I know is that he wasn't quite like that for the two and a half years we were friends and I adore him and I miss him and, would you believe it? I sent him the fucking message with the song. And I don't even regret it. I can find excuses for it, even if SmTn writes back and tells me never to contact him ever again and is actually mean to me. Not even then. 

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