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Wednesday, 12 March 2014

Blue Jasmine

In case you couldn't guess from the title, I just watched the film Blue Jasmine and it prompted me to write. More precisely, it broke me down and I have no outlet for it other than to write and I have no one to write to, so I'll just write.

I could see the other tales being told there, but I was affected by the story of a mentally ill woman whose medication and attempts at making life better fail. SPOILER ALERT. Sorry. I broke down. It could be just anxiety. Or hypochondria. I don't know if one can fuel the other. I don't know if I'm deliberately making myself even more ill (some form of opposite to a placebo effect). All I know is a growing suspicion that I cannot be fixed is creeping up on me. I sometimes fear I tell the psychiatrist it's quite all right because I don't want her to be worried. And she's the one person who has to worry. She's the only person who can worry. There's no group meeting this week. And even if there were, I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to bring myself to talk about this.

My problem in group meetings is that I don't like to take attention to myself. I don't like to ask for help with my problems when others have problems of their own that also require help. It's bad. I should know. It means I've given up all hope for myself.

I've had a couple of heartbreaking conversations with mum. Conversations where she tells me to find out what the admissions process is like for actually good universities. No, not just good universities, the best ones. She thinks I'm good enough for them and encourages me to try and apply for a scholarship. A scholarship. It breaks my heart to tell her they won't give my application so much as a long glance. There's no way they'll give me a scholarship. Mum is trying to encourage me to dream a dream of my own and the truth is that I have none. 

I can actually tell you why I can't stop playing hashi. I feel that those are problems I can solve and those are problems I get some form of gratification for solving. My real problems? Well, they've led me to exercise control over my life by solving hashi puzzles. 

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