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Wednesday, 5 February 2014

Do you know what day it is?

It's Wednesday and that's group meeting day, which means it's also whining day.

Yesterday afternoon I met with cousin S to run an errand we initially first planned at least a couple of weeks ago. We were running on his schedule, so whenever he had the first opening would have to work for me. It's an errand uncle A said he'd pay for. As some kind of a gift. He arranged with cousin S what needed to be done and, I thought, what would need to be paid. Not so. Yesterday afternoon, before meeting with cousin S, I received a text message from him asking if the price was all right by me. It honestly wasn't, because I now owe all of my next paycheck and then a little more, but I couldn't say "Wasn't uncle A supposed to pay for it?", "I might need some help in the money department", "Can we arrange to do this some other time when I have more money?" or even "Yeah, I'd like some help if you can help me pay for it." I'm actually blaming myself for taking their word for it. By now I should realise I can't really hold them to their word, any of them. That's how it was last year and that's how I'll now expect it to continue. I'm not sure why so much has changed but one thing hasn't: I'm screwed. I really can't afford anything of my own for a very long time now, I'll have to ask for money for my birthday (even though my parents were insistent on getting me a nice present) and even break the piggy bank I intended to use for something else. It's without even considering the trouble I might go through just asking if I can please install the damned air conditioning unit before it becomes permanently warm. 

Well, I mentioned this to the group today and the responses were "Why don't you just ask? Maybe he just forgot", "Maybe he thinks you don't really need it and therefore took back his offer" and "You're reinforcing this behaviour by actually not calling them out on their bullshit when they break their promises" (well, maybe not in those words). We did some role-playing where I couldn't maintain eye contact and I recalled how lending CtW money was less stressful than counting on uncle A's promise to give any because I could actually count on CtW. For three semesters uncle A asked within the first week of classes if anything was due and on the fourth he just forgot? He offered to do things he then didn't do? It feels like he's deliberately making me spend money I don't have to keep me on a tight leash and I'm hating it. It's fortunate I have a few places to get a little more money from, but I'm pretty sure the only reason I don't break down into tears thinking mum wants to send me money she doesn't have and actually needs and is not being paid by people who owe her is because the meds are starting to work. Somewhat. Not working wonders on the anxiety, as far as I can tell. I also still can't sleep. The lower dose initially recommended of the sleeping aid didn't work. I'm trying the double dose today. I almost want someone to run into the bag where I keep the medicine and see what's in it. Almost.

Do you know what day it is today? Wednesday. And that's also the Wednesday before a test... which I haven't studied for, at all. I haven't even worked on the homework exercises or read much of the assigned reading. I've paid attention during class and copied the answers to the homework problems as they were worked out by the professor, but I'm underestimating how hard it can be, overestimating the professor's generousness when he pretty much stated he wanted everyone to get a good grade and overestimating how much work I can actually do (none) having already turned off the lights and taken the sleeping pills. 

On the brighter (but you'll see) side of things, today is Wednesday and that's also a tango dancing day. Or night, actually. It was fun, with one caveat: the guy in the green shirt. He was a bit too intense, a bit too insistent on as much body contact as possible, who got a bit too handsy, hugged too much/too hard and was overall just way more touchy-feely than I was comfortable with. I realise some dancing requires closer contact, but I should have had the option to say no (proves he's not a gentleman, if you had any doubts about it) and he also needed not dance so close to me. No one else did, not even the other person who used the same kind of close embrace. The greater problem with the guy in the green shirt is that he's also the one who mentioned joining tango lessons to find girlfriends and having found his last two girlfriends there. I feel like I'm his next victim and I quite honestly felt a little dirty after dancing with him (which was, admittedly, partly due to him being a bit sweaty and it being a bit warm in the room). Ew. I wish I could talk to CtThumbe about it and see if she has an opinion about this.

I want to talk to the kind online stranger, if possible, to either have him help me get the courage to bring up the money I don't have to uncle A or figure out how to go without my backup and feeling stupid/taken advantage of/like if I'm paying for my expenses anyway I might as well just fucking leave already. I also want to ask, maybe, if I should attempt to talk to SmTn about my feelings. Maybe. I fear the answer is the one I've come up with in my head anyway: if I don't want it to change anything and don't expect anything in return, there's really no point in saying it because I'm more likely than not to cause him unnecessary trouble.

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