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Sunday, 2 February 2014

Clinking, clanking sound

For the record, I managed to get the most basic part of what Pf2 wanted done and sent it to him this morning. I'm a little afraid to go over my notes to find out whether or not he wanted much more than that because, having finally managed to do it this morning and knowing how stupidly easy it actually was, I now feel increasingly embarrassed that it took me 4+ hours of sitting in my office desk and not being able to get anything done for a whole day to even get started. I do intend to work on coding a little to make my life marginally easier in the future when such data is required again. Except I'll make myself very difficult before that, I'm sure.

Speaking of making my life difficult, it's warm. It's fucking warm and it doesn't look like it will be cool out for the next week or so. If that. And I can't afford the portable air conditioner (which I was hoping I'd be able to get before March rolls in) because uncle A hasn't mentioned tuition, leave alone offered to pay for it. And that means that by the time I'm done paying for it I'll have only a third of what I need for the air conditioner by mid March, plus a week to wait for shipping. 

I have to try to get the melatonin pills the psychiatrist recommended, but I wonder if they'll keep me from feeling too warm at night and waking up. My sleeping cools from last year were tossed and I had to freeze a brand new bottle of Coca-Cola. I...

I should talk about last Wednesday's group meeting. I was initially very quiet and didn't contribute much. My excuse was that I couldn't relate very well to boyfriend/relationship problems or arguments about religion. I've never mentioned SmTn and I don't even know if I ever will. I wouldn't know where to begin. All I could say was that I was thinking of Big Fish and I felt embarrassed to make stupid contributions that weren't really contributing to anything. I'm terrible at feedback like that. The leader asked how things were going and after a quick review, I got feedback. Including the girl I'm finding myself looking up to and admiring oh-so-much, they were all very much saying the same thing: I'm on a sinking ship and afraid to jump arguing the water is too cold. Someone did speak about just waiting it out, but ultimately the bigger picture says "This is not healthy. You're smart enough to know it and you should be able to see that you do have other options." The last person to speak had a somewhat different take on it, arguing I'd do it when I was ready and different people take different amounts of time to get ready to do such things. I thanked them. I genuinely am very thankful to them. I also apologised for being stubborn and insisted I'm not trying to be blockheaded but I really can't see a viable way out. I wanted to say "depression lies" but I don't know (yet) if that's the full extent of it. It's true I don't feel quite as sad, but I still feel helpless (sorry I lied, Ms. Psychiatrist) and I'm still very anxious about fucking everything. 

Just today and yesterday I've seen aunt A "melting down" and I'm just waiting for the storm to come full on. I'm dreading a stupid argument I know will happen over just about anything.

The group also said I was being silly thinking I had to pay for tuition and I should be able to just say "Hey, uncle A, tuition is due, you know..." At the time it was all I could do to shrug my shoulders and say I didn't quite see myself doing that. I realised why some time later: I can't rely on the As. They don't keep their word. Not when they said we'll go someplace for lunch, not when they said they'd pay for transportation, not when they said I might have an allowance. Admittedly, it happens with aunt A a bit more often but after downing pretty much everything they gave me for Christmas on what they had offered to pay for in the first place I just don't feel like I can rely on them to step in and say "here's your tuition money." What that also means is that I'll need to save for next semester's tuition. And hope I'll continue to have a job then. And an office and a sanctuary to run off to. 

I don't know if I've mentioned it yet but I've built myself quite a home there, having the electric kettle and all. I can now have tea anytime I like without worrying about paying for it. I can make oatmeal (I bought some powdered milk for this purpose), I can make ramen, I could make coffee if it so pleased me and I can stay there when it's too hot to be in the house. Like on Monday. I intended to take the bus on Monday, but I'm weighing the pros of staying on campus a while longer and they just might outweigh the pros of being in my room (the only one being that I could lie on the bed, unable to sleep because it would be too warm.)

I have yet to get aunt A a birthday present. And her birthday is coming up on Thursday. I don't even know what to cook for her. Mum had thought of buying her a wallet. I remembered how particular she was about the last one she bought and thought it wouldn't be worth the trouble. Mum said I could call her friends and organise a surprise party. I wonder which friends to call and worry that I'd end up inviting someone over she didn't want here at all or using time she'd reserved for something else. I wish I could say I felt good about my last birthday present to her but seeing how it's gotten used exactly zero times under the false pretext of not knowing how to play the game (I got a damned book to go with it, for that exact purpose) or having no one to play with (again, it would be a matter of calling a few of her "friends" if she so desired) I feel it was a waste of precious resources. I'm already wondering what I can sell to get money elsewhere. Back to the point, I don't think she's gotten an use out of my latest Christmas gift either. I thought that might be a good gift and it was also a big miss. Frankly, there's nothing I can think of getting her that she can't get herself and even the things she gets herself go without getting used. Ever. I could get her the perfect grey eyeshadow she's been looking for and she'd find some problem with it and find a way to return it. 


I'm a bit tired to write everything I was thinking of in full, but I just watched Pretty Woman because it was on at BCM's when we passed by this evening and I realised I'd never seen it and it's a classic. It's not a good sign that it made me think of SmTn. 

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