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Saturday, 8 February 2014

About time

SPOILER ALERT! This post, in case the labels didn't clue you in, will include my review of the film About Time. It's not what I'll be starting with, though.

Brief update to the last post that doesn't quite fit in the spirit of rantiness and strong words:

1) I'm a coward and don't dare talk to uncle A about the money he'd offered and then never paid. Not for this week, not for tuition. I have an excuse. It's not a good one, so I won't actually give it merit by bringing it up. I know I only came up with it to justify myself next Wednesday when they ask how it went and I tell him it simply didn't go and I'll still be financially screwed, using what money I can get for my birthday (including money instead of the present my parents wanted to get me) to pay the bills as they come. Sounds exciting, doesn't it?

2) I'm a coward and I didn't even go through with talking to the kind online stranger about 1). I worry that when I told him I went to the LGBTQ event on campus and I wished my smile could have somehow said "I see you being you and loving who you love and apologising to no one and I love you (for it)" I may have sounded stupid/condescending/just-overall-not-good. And now I'm too embarrassed to talk to him again if he doesn't initiate contact. 

3) I spoke with CtThumbe tonight. I didn't tell her about my uncomfortable tango experience. I'm going to keep that one to myself for a while in case it's just an odd event. I can always bring it up later to joke about it, right?

4) Wednesday was also the day that Pf2 took my brief mention of running the errand with cousin S as an introduction to advice. I don't know of him having children, but I've come to see him as something of a father figure since Wednesday when he offered his experience and suggestions in the most well-intended and actually quite genuinely sweet way. It's the stupidest thing, really, but paired with how he offered a cup of coffee on the way to the lab today when ON made a stop to buy some and just being an overall nice, easy-going person, I've come to appreciate him a lot. Kind of like my parents friends last summer: being relative strangers, they're kinder and much closer to caring parenting figures than the As. The whole team is actually great and I absolutely will take a moment to be grateful.

Now, for About Time (pun averted). It was beautiful. Besides being very British and using quite lovable characters with a great sense of humour, in spite of actually being a little bit corny and even trite in its "live life to the fullest" message, it was such a fresh perspective on it. It was just the right balance of being serious, funny, using fantastic/magical elements and merging it all into what real life is supposed to look like. It's also had me crying for the last hour or so. 

I won't include the particular spoiler moment, but I will say it shouldn't have hit home like that, but see 4) above, remember SmTn and note that I've been on antidepressants for quite a while now. Almost going on a month if you were wondering.

While we're on the subject, isn't it about time (sorry) that I stopped thinking of SmTn so much, you ask? I know. It's been a while. Considering all we ever did was chat and exchange a few snail mail items I don't even have all that much to hold on to. If you look up "serious" definitions of love (though there's no such thing as it always seems to be a subjective matter), and go under the stages of love, it would seem to be that the stage I was in where I felt butterflies in my stomach for two and a half years every time he did so much as send a brief "hello" was the lowliest and most superficial form of love. The highest and deepest stage of love being the one where you're used to the person and have shared a lot with them and have been with them for a lot of time (one must assume this must happen in person in order to work properly). It's not the right time or place to venture a personal definition of what I think love is. I think this stage system is flawed and doesn't quite correspond to how I feel about SmTn and yet at the same time I fear that my obsessive nature doesn't allow my feelings to develop into anything more than an extended and amplified version of this first stage. It could also have something to do with the fact that I've never been in a relationship, but since I love to blame myself for how nothing worked out with LesMisGuy and how powerless I feel in the SmTn scenario, it about makes sense I'd try to make myself responsible for the failure/sheer impossibility. 

Also, there's the fact that when I'm in the maths class I can't help but have the most realistic-feeling bouts of wishful day-dreaming (no doubt influenced by my inability to sleep through the night). Day-dreaming about SmTn being here and seeing him. I can't quite imagine a conversation between the two of us. I mostly just fumble with words wondering if I should even try starting a conversation at all (it being forbidden, sort of, after all), afraid to think he's here for me though every sign points in that direction, worried that it's just a coincidence and I'm actually being very inappropriate seeking him out. 

Alas! SPOILER ALERT! I never thought Shamy would kiss before we did. 

Oh! I almost forgot. I know we're already a full hour into the day, but we're only a few hours past the tenth anniversary of my first kiss. Because I apparently am the sort of person who keeps track of this sort of thing. Now you know. 

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