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Thursday, 2 January 2014

Outrageous idea

I don't remember them as well anymore but I had two dreams over the last two days.

One involved a soap opera character who faked a pregnancy giving birth on a beach with lots of people from school1. I was actually absent for the birth itself, I'd taken a bathroom break. Which is how I know it happened in a span of 15min or less, in case you were interested.

The other I'm quite sure is from this morning. It involved SmTn and his girlfriend visiting. SmTn and I had made arrangements to meet/talk but it had to be fit around his schedule with her and she wouldn't have it. So, we couldn't do it. I had a dream about SmTn, then, except I didn't. It wasn't so much about him as it was about not being able to be with him, and I just remember seeing "evidence" of their travels. In particular I remember a large film under a bed with lots of writing on it. None of which I could understand, but it was hand written with big letters and lots of different colours. 

Now, the dream about SmTn has a bit of a story behind it.

I tried telling A about SmTn's Christmas message and she thought nothing of it. I needed feedback so... I thought of telling the kind online stranger about it. To my worries about how it could have/should have gone he said it sounded perfect to him and he thought it was a beautiful exchange. That for a New Year's exchange I should not fret and just do whatever I felt like. There's more to it, though. I also told the kind online stranger (in a lot more words) that I'm in love with SmTn. Not that he needed me to, he probably knew it already. Anyway, he also said "If you find yourself so drawn to him again, ask him if he can talk with you as more than a friend now, only if his last gf is out of the picture. Because he shouldn't be putting you in that situation and position again - you don't deserve that."

Fun fact: the first time I read it, I thought he was saying I should try to ask SmTn to be my friend and talk to me again, and somehow not let it be an issue with the girlfriend. Except it read "last gf"and it got me thinking. Then I had to read it again and realise he meant I should do something outrageous: ask SmTn to break up with his girlfriend and be more than just my friend. The worst part of it is that it makes sense. It's actully a very reasonable thing to do. If SmTn is heartbroken and has feelings for me and I have feeligns for him and we can have a conversation in a span of 6 short lines to tell one another as much... well, doesn't it make you wonder? Of course, I have absolutely no idea what the girlfriend is like, and one must assume she's every bit as nice as I remember her from my dreams. Of course, I can't really compete with someone he's been with for years, someone he's lived with, someone he can readily kiss and hold and sleep with. But... if SmTn thinks what I think, if he feels as I feel, if I somehow could tell him... if I could somehow ask him... I wonder what could happen then and I worry that the damned depression is lying to me and telling me it's impossible when it actually has a tiny (but very real) chance of happening. 

I don't know what to do. 

Except wait for him to write and see what I can come up with then. Or wait for Friday, when (if the old man has his way) we'll be in the setting place for summer school. Then I've made up my mind. I'll take a picture of the town square (better yet if it can be the bench where we both sat down that one night) and send it with a message "Happy new year!". It is, to me, the loudest and clearest way to say "I was thinking about you and I want you to think about me." I wish I could think of a way say "I want you to consider talking to me again and having no one to hide from, having nothing to hold back." I find it hard to believe I hadn't thought of what the kind online stranger said. I know I tried telling SmTn to consider me if things went south with his girlfriend and he found himself still not married many years from then. I then took that nonsense back. And it took two and a half years and a kind online stranger (and the loneliness to recur to him) to think "Would it really be so stupid?"

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