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Thursday, 23 January 2014

Mathematicians can't do statistics

I attended my very first maths class in a very long time today. It turns out I need to brush up on the isomorphism theorems, re-familiarise myself with quotient groups, group actions, group presentations and basic proof techniques as well as re-teach myself some definitions and... I basically need to teach myself how to do maths again. Real maths.

Fake maths, or all-too-real maths or statistics, if you like, are still too much for me. Which is to say that yesterday when all eyes should have been on me and my professional opinion as a "numbers person" was needed, I completely failed. Pf2 asked what my statistics background was like. I said that off the top of my head I had nothing but could pick up a book and get something started. His question is simple, sort of. Well, one of his questions was. I may have been too vague with my answer (which was still kind of wrong). It was all I could do to promise I would ask an actual statistics professor who works on this sort of thing. Until I can meet with him, if I can meet with him, the best advice I got from him was to use Google and look for someone dealing with a similar problem. I cannot help but feel worried that Pf2 must find me horribly inadequate. I haven't even studied the experiment all that well and when anyone is nice enough to explain something to me it is all I can do to repeat the information just given me without really retaining much of it. I have the brain power. Sort of. It's just not readily available to me, if you will. I actually had to drag myself to write this. I meant to sleep in the afternoon but I couldn't. I meant to study but I couldn't. I watched Kiki's Delivery Service. I have to wake up early tomorrow morning. Again. I won't sleep too well either, I fear. Again. The bad appetite is starting to get to me because now I actually feel week weak. But when I try to eat a whole serving of food halfway through I'm already struggling. It's all I can do then to at least control some of my food choices and try to eat a bit more fruit to go with the readily available bags of chips.

You know, I had the house all to myself this afternoon and I didn't even notice. I just didn't feel like getting out of bed. 

I don't... I don't even think it would be fair to say I have a song in my head. I know I had a Moulin Rouge kind of afternoon when I found out I could attend today's class, but I haven't played much music besides that on the radio and none of the songs seem to quite feet fit my mood. I also can't seem to be able to type spell today.

If you're wondering, I'm still feeling sad about SmTn. I still call his name out in my mind and daydream about seeing him again. I still wish I could tell him things and when I'm writing an e-mail address in the address textbox it saddens me to find that SmTn is no longer the first contact offered. He's actually nowhere to be found unless I actively look for him. Compare this to finding him when typing my own address, my sister's, mum's or anyone else's. I wonder if he'll say anything for my birthday. I wonder if anywone anyone will. Last year I didn't really care much but, for some reason, this year I do. Or maybe I cared last year and I just can't remember or somehow feel it's worse this year. 

How about if I tell you about today's class?

There's not an awful lot to tell, besides that the professor is a very nice man and a good teacher who tries to coax the answers out of his class. The class is not very numerous (no surprise there) and there is only one girl besides me (not here either). What strikes me as odd is to find so little participation. Fine, so it's not like me to speak up and I had trouble deciding when to walk into the classroom in the first place, ultimately deciding to walk in 5min before the class after at least most of the seats had been taken. Still, I can't help but feel that back home students were more eager. I know it's not a matter of the professor being bad, unclear or in any way intimidating. It's really down to the students there just not... either not having a clue (or too many clues) or not caring. Either of which is bad, if you ask me. And you should because I'm not exactly a brilliant maths student and I'm the one making this observation. Now I feel like I should work doubly hard to catch up properly and be able to participate in class, if I pluck up the courage. It will feel wrong not to, if I know the answer and no one speaks up. It will feel wrong not to at least try to be that good, not with such a nice professor letting me into his class.

Besides a tiny joke (it may be more appropriate to call it an observation on lazy students) I overheard (and was embarrassed to laugh about, as it wasn't a conversation I was a part of) before the class started, I'm not sure what to expect of the students. Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe I still find the average person here to be awfully cartoonish. Maybe depression is an awful pairing for social awkwardness and introversion.

It's supposed to be 4 to 6 weeks for the medication to kick in. It's supposed to be 3 to 5 weeks more, then. It may be all in my head, because I don't quite think that my excitement when I was found out about today's class was the kind of euphoria they're looking for. But, in my hypochondria (possibly) and my uneasiness going to sleep, needing the sound of rainfall running in the background to even attempt to fall asleep, I wonder if it's not a misdiagnosis. The psychiatrist mentioned that if it's bipolar disorder then the depression meds would make me worse rather than better. Like I said, though, it may be my brain playing (more) tricks on me: since I'm not feeling better yet, even though I know it will be some time still, I wonder if it couldn't possibly be making me worse. 

I'm sorry, this is a very rambly post. Though I can tell I've got some better use of my memory (it graciously keeps me up at night or makes me wake up, wondering if I forgot some thing or other) I can't seem to get a grasp on the concept of focus. Or finishing a task, for that matter. Any task. 

Let me see if I can get some sleep.

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