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Monday, 27 January 2014

Hypochondria and other possible side effects

I have about a half hour before I attend a workshop intended to help me with a project for a class I'm not wholly invested in. That means I didn't leave as early as I could have (two and a half hours ago) and it also means I had time to do a lot of things I haven't done. Including some should-be-so-very-simple looking at data for research. 

I went to sleep relatively early last night (I made up my mind around 10:30pm to try to fall asleep, though I kept waking up remembering to change my alarm and do other menial tasks). I should have been able to sleep a full eight hours of sleep, to add to almost twelve I got to sleep the night before last when I also went to bed relatively early and then slept in. However, I get no rest from this extra hours of sleep. Compared to the six or sometimes five hours I normally clock in during weekdays, I feel as tired as I did before. If anything, I feel more tired. I woke up at least three times last night/this morning before my alarm rang. I woke up crying from a nightmare where the old man had been not only mismanaging our money but strangers' too and he was in big trouble for it. I had another one where I remember we were trying to hide from someone or something and an animal or other bat-like being spied on us and intended to sell us out to goodness knows who. It was essential that I melted several candles at its disposal to send messages with, apparently. My anxiety is on overdrive. Just a while ago, when ON was to give me the data I've yet to analyse I started looking for my USB drive. I couldn't find it. I didn't pay for it, it was a present to make up for the last hard drive giving up on me. It wasn't particularly precious to me but I knew it to be worth something. I don't know where it is yet, nor whether or not I'll find it when I get back to my room, but you wouldn't believe how much time I've wasted fretting about the fact that I couldn't find it. Knowing that I can't properly look for it until I have access to something more than my office and bookbag. 

My appetite being what it is these days, I'm not too surprised I'm feeling weak. It could just be a one time thing, or it could be hypochondria, but I fear my liver is starting to do worse for it. Last night, though it was not quite so warm in my room and the fan was on I woke up sweaty and too warm to go back to sleep. Today, though it's not quite so cold (in fact, it's looking like it's actually too soon to be this warm) and the temperature in the office is always the same and quite comfortable to be in, I'm cold. I don't dare heat water for a cup of tea because... I don't know. I feel guilty using the microwave oven when I'm not alone or someone might hear me and social awkwardness is not built for such worries. I'd buy a cup of tea but I've made up my mind not to make unnecessary purchases like that. Especially since it's not even that cold today. I'm trying to save money, not that my bank account could tell you that. 

As for the tango lesson last night... it went well. Except for a minor detail: the tall bloke who gave me the creeps and tried to talk to me about how I should keep going to class. It honestly made me not want to keep on going. But I'm not going to let him get in the way of doing something that's kind of fun and gets me out of the house. So I'll learn to deal with it if it comes to that. I'll also somehow have to deal with the anxiety of feeling stupid in front of the people I remember from last year, especially the ones who recognise me. I should be going now. I don't even know where that room is. 

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