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Tuesday, 14 January 2014

Ask me again in two weeks

As long as I'm not doing anything productive, I might as well do something that's at least remotely useful: write.

There's a few things to write about, like the dream I had last night about my sister and I planning a trip on a cruise to visit several European countries and planning some more to see if we could maybe travel some more (besides the cruise). Of this dream I remember little other than being at sea, close enough to land that I could see land in a few directions, far away enough to know I needed some form of transportation to get anywhere. It was cloudy, and I seem to remember a very tall wave. There was also a dream concerning aunt LM, but I can't remember much about it.

Then there's yesterday's stranger on the bus. Some younger student of sociology. I'm sure sociology is a serious subject with important breakthroughs but in his case, it meant "everything, and therefore nothing at all." He struck me as being quite immature. Our talk began with him asking for some change (smallest possible unit, as in "What on Earth would you need it for, anyway?" change). I said I didn't have any with me and left things alone. Then he made it his mission to start a conversation with me, finding out as much as he could about me before I turned the tables and made it about him. He only just pretended to be smart and well-learned. Not so unlike MrInteresting (and, yes, I have had split seconds to wonder if he's somehow keeping tabs on me through other equally crazy people and I prefer to believe it's slightly more likely I just keep attracting the attention of equally strange men). He even asked for my number. Now, confession time? I didn't lie to him, though to describe myself now is hardly to describe myself at all, and I actually wrote down my real phone number (because I felt a bit "on the spot" and it did not occur to me to switch a digit or two, though I never intend to answer if he ever calls/texts). It was, not so surprisingly, yet another instance of not looking like myself. He seemed surprised to find out I'm a "smart cookie," where I come from, my observations on a few contradictions in what he was saying, and... I'm pretty sure he'd have been just as surprised by finding out about my undergrad degree or just how much I know about subjects other than the ones we discussed. Bottom line, I'm quickly finding that strangers can quickly gather that I'm clever, and not an awful lot more about me. Remind me to bring this up during group.

That last statement? I'm not just saying that. I'm also saying it based on today's appointment with a psychiatrist (+ supervisor). They both picked up on how smart I must be to still be crème de la crème in among my (quite frankly) mediocre classmates. They both offered their sympathy and assured me that some SSRI may not solve my problems but will make them significantly more bearable. Only until I'm done with the shitty phase and things start to look up. They "congratulated" me for taking action and seeking help. I must say I quite liked them a bit better than the therapist, mostly for the open science talk. It was a fair bit more straight forward. The psychiatrist made an effort to make the dry questionnaire a bit less dry, made eye contact, explained why she'd asked questions and what deductions she had made about me. This sort of communication struck me as more open than the one I had with the therapist (the empty promises of teaching me social skills, the "I think we're making progress" that led nowhere, the insistence on making me change my mind about things...). No nonsense stuff. I'm to start medication on Friday and meet with her/them(?) again in two weeks' time. 

On another subject, today's bout of ranting is brought to you by aunt A (surprise!) and her insistence on being unreasonably pessimistic. Independence is so close, but it costs quite a bit of money. As in, "I've left very little in my bank account and it seems I'll pretty much have to empty it." Soon. Would have been today but a sliver of hope opened up to a) save a tiny bit of money and b) postpone payment until I'm slightly less broke. (Oh, and it's starting to look like I'll be responsible for whatever's left to pay of my tuition, which will not happen unless I can secure a loan.) It all boils down to asking uncle A's sister for a favour, which aunt A is adamantly against. Because: reasons. So, next thing I know she's coming up with lies and excuses for things to be done her way because, damn it all, they must!

Oh, and, in the "social awkwardness" file we have my unwillingness to mail A something with cousin I. Because I feel like I have to offer to pay for it, and A's dad said it could be quite expensive and now I feel like backing out but A's parents already know and I'm now contemplating mailing her something with my gift card instead. *sigh*

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