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Saturday, 2 November 2013

Unhealthy

I'm not sure how to even start writing this post, but I figure some kind of post is in order to catch up with Friday. 

Friday, which, incidentally, is also yesterday Well done, me I had agreed to be on campus early-ish (at 11am) to meet Ck. She had her thesis defence at 3pm, which I was invited to, and I offered to help her practice the presentation. I arrived at 11:05 and walked by her office, noticing her talking to professors and deciding to walk to my office and get a chocolate bar to give her for her birthday (which she'd mentioned was the day after her defence). I walked over to her office again and found it closed, so I went back to mine and texted her. She said she was off to grab lunch and we'd meet soon. At noon. When we met, she was wearing a jumper and jeans and I wondered if she was going to do her presentation like that. She knew I had something at 2pm (group therapy to work on social skills, no less, but I never stated what it was exactly) so we were done around 1pm. I walked out to grab lunch and go to the group meeting. Except there was no group. It was just me. I got a one on one chat with the still quite cartoonish therapist I described from last time. You know, when I think about it a bit more, it's not quite so bad if he's cartoonish. He had to learn, much like me, the hows and whys and whats of everyday social interaction and he's been trained to use techniques that get the message across. 

I may be smart and reasonable but act and react unreasonably sometimes and my thoughts are all over the place even as I try to explain situations. He used different techniques (bringing up his own personal experience, being repetitive, cutting me short when necessary) to get his message through to me. It's nothing I didn't sort of already know, but it's the sort of things you need to hear from others. Like "it's not really my fault that creeps are drawn to me," "I need to reach out to people I'm interested in so I'm not stuck with creeps" and "practice in social interactions makes perfect (or, you know, sociable)." When I pointed out I don't know how to take a compliment he said to work on making a more courteous "Thank you" statement and, if appropriate, return the compliment or offer a new conversation topic. He said I can either withdraw and politely busy myself to stay out of an unpleasant situation or just go ahead and cut myself out of it with a blunt, but true and not necessarily rude, statement: "I'm uncomfortable, so I'm leaving." (Well, maybe not in exactly so many words, but you get the gist of it.) I appreciated the fact that he was appalled (though he didn't say it) when I mentioned the conversations about death and murder around LC4. He made me uncomfortable when he kind of matter-of-factly (but aware that it made me uncomfortable to hear it) stated that I'm an attractive woman and that gets a certain kind of attention.

I wish I could remember and write down more of the advice he gave me but I've sort of forgot because I don't know where my head is anymore and I'd e-mail him to ask but, frankly, it's nothing I couldn't figure out on my own/didn't already know/can't ask my therapist.

As arranged, we ended the session early so I could run to Ck's defense, where she was dressed properly... and so was everyone else in the room (including her office neighbours) except for me. Well done, me. I actually thought of maybe not wearing jeans that day and sticking to a pair of beige pants. But I didn't. I was wearing a t-shirt, jeans, and leather shoes... that were clearly very old and worn out and haven't seen shoe polish in over a year. *sigh* Ck's boyfriend introduced himself when I sat next to him. I sat awkwardly before the presentation started and I stood awkwardly after it ended and we waited for the results. When Ck's boyfriend shook my hand goodbye I was awkwardly holding my phone and a bottle of Coca-Cola in it. You'd think I may have learned my lesson, but the exact same fumble happened again a few minutes later with Ck's father. I fail at social conventions and was left wondering if I should have offered a snack and some drinks in my own defence, as well as if I should have invited friends and family (CtThumbe and L2 offered to show but then didn't.) I already know I should have accepted the lunch invitation that day but I'm socially fucking awkward. 

Both yesterday and a week before that I got fortune cookies. I'm not being very religious about posting fortune cookie messages on here in any kind of order or rigour (though I've been saving them with rigorous superstition), but I thought I'd write down the two:

"VERSATILITY IS ONE OF YOUR OUTSTANDING TRAITS" - told to the girl who had just been the less socially stumped in a group of three "patients."

"A TREASURED FRIEND WILL SOON VISIT YOU" - something tells me this is not literal, because I know it won't be SmTn, I don't think AOB/EBF/CtThumbe/A is particularly treasured and I certainly don't have the sense of humour to think it might be "menstruation" because she's not my friend and I certainly don't treasure her. 

Friday night I did my nails but didn't bother with the laundry. Aunt A is seething, under the surface. She's been leaving dirty laundry on top of the dryer and most likely expected the resident house elf to turn her dirty towels and bedsheets and crusty slippers into a neat pile of clean, fresh and folded laundry overnight. But it didn't, so she had to do laundry today (because I'm quite sure she'd been putting it off on purpose and uncle A ran out of underwear or something and very directly left the dirty laundry basket next to the washer for her convenience). The resident house elf is sick and tired. I feel she only asks me if I'm hungry at night hoping I'll go to the kitchen when they're there, have dinner at the kitchen table and clean everything up when I clean my dishes (which is what happens when I have dinner with them in the kitchen). I know she'll pretend she has excuses to avoid doing any cleaning and leave it down to someone else. The situations are all too familiar to aunt MT, cousin N, mum, and I'm sure many others. Today she left the dirty dishes in the sink and next to it for at least 3 hours. I was talking to my parents on Skype and only made a quick visit to grab some cold cuts on a napkin. I later made a trip to the kitchen to fill my glass with water and, maybe, do the dishes. Want to know what I found? Aunt A sitting at the kitchen table, frown on her face, not deigning a glance my way as I got my glass of water and noticed the pile of dirty dishes still there. Knowing she was there just fucking waiting to see if I was going to wash the dishes for her, I left. You may think I'm making unfair assumptions and maybe she was just busy (playing? making calls abroad and keeping uncle A from going to sleep early like he wanted? seriously?) but soon after that she just washed them herself. I rest my case. 

It's going to blow up in my face as soon as she finds a "legitimate" reason to tell me I'm uncooperative and don't do shit around the house, but as it stands she has no reason to say I don't help at all. The reason she's mad this week is because this week I had it up to here and just said to myself: fuck. that. shit. I'm not leaving her my dirty laundry or dishes. I still, on occasion (especially when no one's looking and waiting to tell me I put a knife in the wrong drawer or dried something the wrong way or loaded up the washer incorrectly) do some cleaning. I clean up after myself when I use the pots or pans and sometimes put the clean dishes away. I just adamantly refuse to let her have those expectations of me. Which expectations? That she can leave dirty shit around the house and expect me to clean it. That she can have chores to do (whether it's putting away groceries or leaving the cat in the garage) and expect me to do them because she has managed to think of an excuse. If possible, I'll have to talk about it with the therapist before aunt A breaks loose. Likely enough, I won't have the time to and it will be me against aunt A's crazy eyes. 


On another subject, procrastination. I could be studying or working on an assignment due in on Tuesday that I have not even begun to read properly for. I did embarrassingly not so brilliantly in Thursday's exam and should study even now to make sure that doesn't happen in the next test. I'll have a quiz on Monday to answer for. But someone on GuySpeak left a question that touched a nerve and I've had my eyes on the comments, refreshing the page every so often. And SmTn hasn't been online in over a day and I miss seeing him online and it's stupid, so-very-stupid, but it brings all kinds of blue thoughts to mind.

You want to know? The GuySpeak question is about a girl who has a stable boyfriend she might marry. But she went away on a trip and met a men she connected with and now is thinking what have been called foolish and impulsive thoughts of leaving the boyfriend to have a relationship with the new man. The main answer says "You can only begin to consider the new guy if you're single, and for that you have to re-evaluate your current relationship. Don't get out of a happy relationship so stupidly." The comments chime in "If you're considering leaving your boyfriend just because you met someone, you should break up with him/you don't deserve to marry him," "Foolish girl, you don't know this new man!," and then my very own "How happy are you in your relationship? 'The one' doesn't exist. If your happy or can be happy with your boyfriend, do that. If you can't, don't run straight to the new guy just yet." I've been thinking about it a bit too much and I know it's unhealthy and unproductive but I can't help myself. 

If it were SmTn, people would be telling him to leave his girlfriend/wife. Except SmTn was never for a moment tempted to leave her and one must assume he's always loved her. So no, me. If it were a man in his thirties asking the question, what would the community say? That it's a late middle age crisis and why the fuck hasn't he married yet? Because his particular social group wouldn't get married, on average, for another couple of years (read: just about now). If it were someone admitting to a two year old emotional affair... You wouldn't confess that sort of thing unless you were planning to change your current situation and SmTn had no such wishes. If it were SmTn... It wouldn't be SmTn. But he said it was cosmically wrong and he sort of wished he'd kissed me! Well, darling, that's why they call it emotional cheating and why we had to woman up and end it

It was just a fantasy. A fantasy. One last look at "what's out there" before finally taking the plunge. Something else to think about for a while. A very long day dream. 


The song I suddenly couldn't stop thinking about once it came to mind during the bus ride to university is "Think of Me" (you know, from The Phantom of the Opera).



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