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Sunday, 3 November 2013

Shouty brain attack

I have a project due in on Tuesday which pretty much has to be completed tonight because I sure as fuck won't be doing it tomorrow night and I don't think I'll have much spare time during the day. I have not been able to make myself even read for it. 

There's a set of about 10 publications we have to study, the last of which is a sort of compilation of the most important ones (it's written by the big people, summarizing their results and conclusions). I started with the earliest of them. I had the file open in my computer for over a week and only today did I actually click through to the last page... after not so much reading as skimming over a few paragraphs and finding that the experiment carried out and their conclusions don't sound very relevant to what I'm supposed to be doing. i.e. it was all preliminary work. So, I set up to find the one summarizing paper and maybe read it, right?

Well, no. It took me a while to figure out which one it was and then I opened it but I haven't moved past the first page (of 23!) because every time I start reading something else happens in my head that pretends to need my immediate attention. Like?

SmTn hasn't been online. Why the fuck do I care? It's not like we're going to talk or anything. I just like seeing his spot filled in with green and to pretend he can somehow keep me company. Instead of realising he's probably just away for a couple of days, or logged off from messenger on his phone or any number of other reasonable reasons, I wonder if he's maybe decided to cut off contact completely. Then I go to facebook and check that he's still my friend there and don't allow that to ease my mind because he doesn't seem to use facebook all that much anyway. I still keep that GuySpeak question open to check, every so often, if the commenters have added anything new to the mix. They haven't. I still wonder if, had it been SmTn, it couldn't maaaybeee mean that he didn't love his girlfriend all that much. And then I remind myself that no, SmTn is nothing like the OP and yes he probably does love her all that much. 

I told the therapist I'd look into finding a maths club and I did. They have a blog where they post a monthly problem (which I've already looked at and am futilely trying to solve in the back of my brain, every so often looking up theorems that wind up being useless) and publish the date for biweekly meetings. Which aren't so much seminars as single lectures for what should be proper classes. Except they don't sound particularly interesting, to be honest. No, I don't fancy sitting through the proof of Gödel's incompleteness theorem, thank-you-very-much. 

I've tried looking at the news. I've tried looking at blogs (read: The Bloggess). I've tried going through the usual time-wasting places, but I've already read all there was to read. I've already watched the YouTube videos I told myself I wouldn't watch but then convinced myself to "sleep to" (which means I didn't sleep, didn't watch them and didn't do anything else productive with my time either). I've tried refreshing facebook every so often like it will somehow reveal important news. It won't. I don't care if someone I never talked to is attending a wedding. I'm not hungry, but I wasted one of the four precious packs of candy aunt MT and cousin N brought for no reason. I didn't even particularly crave the chocolate and I must admit I didn't even enjoy the last pieces all that much because it started feeling a bit too sweet.

Aunt A told me she was going to the shopping centre to buy bedsheets so I probably wouldn't want to go with her. Which is the same as saying she only came here to announce she was leaving. I can't say I wanted to go, I don't need to buy anything and I should have been working in the time I would have been away. But it bothered me, the way she stated it. Mostly just because being here still bothers me. Driving with the As is very stressful, and I'd try to just take it as a learning experience but damn it. This is why I prefer public transportation. No time to look around and enjoy the view. Too much stress involved in moving around a machine that weighs too much, moves too fast and can too easily kill things. 

I've spent far too much time budgeting (but not really) Christmas presents. I've spent far too much time looking for actual Christmas presents. I've looked for music. I've made up my mind on getting aunt A an empty eyeshadow palette that she can save space with. I've decided to get uncle A some history book, though I don't know which just yet and the internet seems to have a horrible taste for those. I don't know what go ger BCM, cousin S, or LC4. Most everyone else is getting chocolates and/or cookies. The only thing I'm getting "for myself" are the Takoyaki pan (to be left with my parents) and ingredients. They're not properly for any one person, but rather for a shared experience and to get the chance to make a fun afternoon out of it with aunt MT and cousin N (+1). I make mental notes to try and not forget anyone, because the Christmas list keeps getting longer and longer:

 - Aunt A
 - Uncle A
 - Cousin S and girlfriend
 - BCM and husband
 - LC4
 - Uncle C
 - Aunt B
 - Aunt LM
 - Yep1 and Yep2
 - my parents' friends
 - my newly divorced cousin and her daughter
 - the twins and the future baby
 - A
 - AOB
 - Aunt MT
 - Cousin N (and dog)
 - my uncle and aunt
 - my three cousins (plus husbands, plus baby)
 - extended family (x2)
 - my other cousin (and family)
 - BCM's sister
 - my parents
 - my sister

Is that everyone? I don't even know anymore.

Even if all I do is buy big bags of candy to be split among the bulk of them and bake cookies for the ones I can mail the presents to, I already know it's going to cost me a fair bit. I can get BCM a "free" gift certificate. I can get LC4 some cheap toy. It's still about 15% of what I want to save to pay the debt I want to get rid of. *sigh*

And I still haven't studied. Or worked. Or done anything. I can't even finish writing this post in one steady stream of "doing one thing at a time and finishing it."

If I stop doing anything, or think of doing any one thing for too long, my brain gets shouty. it reminds me of all the things above. It reminds me how fucking boring the assignment is. It reminds me how unmotivating engineering is and how I have to stick to it and try to get better at it. It reminds me I'm kind of a failure. It tells me to play with make-up or browse some online. It tells me I'm not done choosing Christmas presents. It reminds me

Damn it, cousin I. I knew I was forgetting someone. Wait, BCM's new baby. Damn.

See? It's now 8:30pm and I have done nothing. And my brain yells at me indistinctly. Does this happen to anyone else? Do you feel this confusing shoutiness that won't let you sleep or concentrate on anything? Is it just me?

Soundtrack of the day is Queen's "I Want To Break Free."

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