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Wednesday, 6 November 2013

Of social awkwardness and wanting to talk

Is it ever okay to answer a "See ya!" farewell with a "Good luck!"? Does it make a difference if it was ON going off to class and we'd very briefly talked about how he was tired and didn't really want to go? You don't wish tired people good luck, you bid them farewell like any other person. Do you ever wish people good luck for anything that doesn't involve an important outcome? I'm good enough at reading people that I realised ON wanted to talk a little, but I'm too stunted and I couldn't take the conversation past the strictly academic. I didn't ask why he was tired (it's likely none of my business, right?). I only pointed out I remembered he was just taking the one class. And then I asked for his advice on choosing a project for bioelectricity as a way to "continue the conversation," except that was short-lived. *sigh* The social awkwardness...

Add that to today's meeting with the girl introducing me to the multicultural events on campus. I didn't quite know what to say. I don't know what I expected from the meeting but I didn't know what to volunteer for, exactly, and I didn't know what I could do. To this moment, I don't really know. I just know I want to help out. If they want me selling or buying tickets, handing out fliers, talking in public, organising events or even just need someone to be furiously happy that gay marriage has been legalised in a new country or state, I'm up for it. I didn't quite say so in so many words to this girl, but she was friendly and looked clever and I liked her tomboyish looks. Is tomboy the right word? It doesn't appear to be a derogatory one, but now I'm wondering if I should have said "butch" (except maybe not, because that one sounds harsh and does tend to bring to mind ugly stereotypes... tomboyish it is). All things said, however, I think I managed to give her a good idea or two and I'll be able to volunteer for a couple of events, if not now, next semester. I feel good about that. I'll help a cause I'm passionate about: be who you are and love who you love. So there's that to look forward to: finding like-minded people and reasons to be happy and (hopefully) make others happy.

Be that as it may, the first thing I noticed when I went to the restroom after this meeting was that I had the most embarrassingly massive patches of sweat under my arms. As in "half each boob was covered by it." So then I felt self-conscious about it and wanted to hide, but all I managed to do was pat it dry as best I could before coming to the office.

In both meetings today I know that a more full conversation was in order but I didn't quite know how to have it. Yesterday I know I half-wanted to talk to mum and she will probably want to talk today, but I don't quite have the heart to. Today I was relieved and happy to find SmTn online. From Skype, if it makes a difference (it doesn't, unless I get paranoid and silly). It's just nice seeing him there and remembering he's "there." He exists and he is lovely. It took me a while to realise he's "just like the others" in the sense that he also went a little overboard with suddenly having strong feelings for me (see: borrowing the same books as me in the library and making paintings based on my dreams). He just happens to be the next nice guy after I realised I'd been absolutely horrible to the others and managed to reach out to (im)properly. Intimidated as I was by everything he did and said initially, I just knew I wanted to talk to him. I didn't know why or what about, just that I wanted to talk to him and stay in touch (*sigh*). 

I can't quite explain it either, but I thought of using ALS (a.k.a. what keeps Stephen Hawking from speaking natural-sounding phrases and standing up) to use for this week's homework problems. I wasn't 100% sure that was the disease I had in mind, but it was and I started reading a bit about it and was reminded of how rare it is for Sir Stephen Hawking to have lived for so long. I also happened upon his support for assisted suicide and it gave me a sense of dread I haven't been able to shake off. He could die soon. He's lived a long life already, but it will be sad, nevertheless, when a man as great as he passes. And you can probably guess who I'd like to be able to talk about it with but it won't happen. I'll just be online and hope he's online and pretend to have a silent conversation about it.

Still going over La Oreja de Van Gogh. They have the loveliest lyrics and most catchy songs. 

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