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Monday, 11 November 2013

I was, too, going to just watch V for Vendetta and maybe work on my story

But the crazy kicked in and I've got a shouty brain right now that won't let me focus on anything.

It would appear the window I'd been carefully oiling and opening to keep cool has been sealed shut. How so? Well, I can't open it. Even though I'd been carefully making it easier to open and close it without making too much noise. I can open the one next to it, which proves that it's not just the temperature making the metal contract in such a way that it's too tight to be moved. I've tried applying quite a bit of force to no avail. And it could be that I shut it a bit too tightly this morning. Well, it must be. Because either I actually shut it too tightly to be opened again or I shut it so tightly that it was audible and it prompted the crazies to seal the bloody window shut. Either way, the level of craziness is a bit too high because if it's not the resident crazy persons making life impossible by not allowing the very vital "sleeping" part of my life, it's the resident crazy persons making me so crazy that I'm willing to believe they sealed the window shut in whatever time it took me to shower this morning or some other time today when I wasn't looking. The end result is that I'm seriously considering leaving and not coming back and it's so much so that I don't care all that much if I don't have a bright future to turn to. I've tried telling myself to put it in perspective and "What are uncomfortably warm nights next to other situations?" but the truth is that it's what they mean. It's the implications on the resident levels of crazy I'm living with and the way instead of choosing a chopped off broomstick to hold over the open window so it can't be opened more than 20cm or so it was sealed shut and the way it doesn't matter if I have to sleep because: THE BLOODY STATUS QUO MUST NOT BE ALTERED!!!

Add that to the unbearable negativity and the sheer idiocy that comes out of their mouths and, you know what? It really doesn't sound so unreasonable to leave and not come back. It's money lost, I know. It's an opportunity to be "successful" lost. It's not having where to turn, or who to go to, or where to find a job. It's not knowing what will become of my education. But, damn it, I at least get to sleep without waking up two or three times. I don't have to hide to recycle. I don't have to "do the right thing" behind anyone's back.

I've considered e-mailing the therapist and telling her I'm upset and I need someone to talk to. I want to tell her I haven't been able to tell her about half the things on my mind lately. I want to tell her I'm not happy with our bi-weekly arrangement because shit builds up too quickly. I worry that she's got people with worse issues who need the time more than I do. I realise they're all working at full capacity and there's not much in terms of spare time for her to realistically take me in any time before our next appointment. It's just... shit. I wish I had someone to talk to and right now even talking to my parents and aunt MT is annoying. They ask about how I'm getting myself to the airport to leave and the answer is "I don't know." The As' word isn't worth much. I bought myself the long trip ticket for my return but not a word has been spoken about how I'm getting myself out of here. If push comes to shove I'll just rent a car. No one's happy with that idea and I'm sure they'll raise hell over it around here because how fucking dare I be independent and do something they do not approve of? Well, if I can't trust them to make the arrangements they bloody promised they'd make, I have to trust myself and it just turns out it's so much cheaper to rent a car. I can follow instructions. I can move a car. Worst case scenario, I'll have to drive a bit longer than should be absolutely necessary, but it's nothing I can't plan for.

What's a reasonable person to do?

What's a reasonable person to do?

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