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Tuesday, 5 November 2013

I just want to be able to fucking sleep at night

Uncle A picked me up from the bus stop. I stayed behind extra late because aunt A made a point of how both BCM and uncle A had offered to pick me up (i.e. she didn't want to pick me up). He couldn't help but point out that by opening the window in my attempts to stay cool and sleep well at night I am doing something wrong. First he said that the air conditioning works extra hard to make up for my open window (which I find hard to believe is very true considering the temperature outside hasn't been much exceeding the temperature inside and that not much air gets in when the blinds are closed... which they pretty much always are). Then he said that it's just not safe. And I have the feeling that he's just relaying aunt A's craziness as it appealed to his own, it doesn't matter if he tried to sound reasonable. He didn't. All I know for sure is that it makes me miserable because now my last resort at keeping cool and the only reason I was finally glad to have the colder months ahead is gone. Now it doesn't fucking matter. I'm staying in a fucking warm room no matter what I do. NO, it won't help to put that rusty old excuse for a fan inside my room. No fan will lower the actual temperature inside the room, you are supposed to be a man of science (however dubious) and we already fucking had this bloody conversation. Oh, and my solution where I'd have to pay quite a bit of money to get a portable air conditioner? That may not be safe either and we'll have to run it by the handyman who's never fucking handy. What it all means is that I'll get to sleep well absolutely fucking never until I get a night out of this house because my big bottle to freeze water in completely gave out and no attempts of mine at patching up the cracks were useful in the long run (and it's not like it's completely amazing sleeping in a soggy bed, it's just nice to sleep in a cool one). 

I broke down. I didn't eat anything for dinner (even though lunch wasn't exactly amazing) and I haven't left my room since I went to the bathroom and broke down crying. Mum had been insistently calling and when she called my mobile to see why I wasn't picking up (I'd closed Skype on my computer) I was upset and I was kind of mean to her saying "Here! I'm online! Happy now?!" I know I was because she then didn't call. And I've no one to tell this all to, dear blog. I've locked myself up with the cat (who's just been here for whatever reason) because I said I'd take her out when I go to sleep and I might not be able to until well past fucking midnight. 

I intended to do some laundry because I've hardly any clean clothes anymore but I honestly didn't want to see anyone's fucking face after I got off the car. I have't so much as gone out for water and I won't until all lights are out. 

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