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Sunday, 3 November 2013

Active waiting and some forms of procrastination: a hypothesis

You can see I'm obviously not done with the assignment. I'm only in page two of twenty three to be read. In my defence, I've been taking notes and I can probably use some of it in the project. Problem? I can't quite focus. I think I know what active waiting is actually waiting for. It's my brain's equivalent of "processing," "buffering," or "working..." What it's actually working on is one of those things that makes me label a post "epiphany." Some times they're dumber than others. Every time, however, they feel like a breakthrough. I naïvely thought it was life that was about to happen and if I just refreshed a page often enough or waited for the right amount of time or sang the right songs in the correct order or followed through on whatever stupid ritual, I could get it to happen. Kind of like unlocking an achievement in a videogame by pressing a sequence of buttons in a very specific way. Well, I'm just now offering a different hypothesis because I know such thoughts don't get me anywhere. I've also realised that active waiting feels a bit more like watching a flower bloom or a train crash (in slow motion, this last one): you know something's about to happen and you just want to see it through to the end. (Which, incidentally, is the thing that doesn't happen to more pressing things, like homework assignments due in on Tuesday.)

I stopped a while ago to Google something I know I'd looked for before but couldn't find. It has to do with my comment in that GuySpeak thread. I told this girl that "the one" is a media-marketed idea that doesn't translate very well to real life. And it's true. I agree with that statement. I know I first read about it somewhere, it's not an original thought, so I browsed a bit and found both the original source (as I remember it) and an essay on exactly the same subject which actually got me thinking (more... or less, if you will). The thing is that I actually phrased my comment very carefully. I almost wrote down that "the one" doesn't exist and that's how I initially looked for the source where I got the idea. However, I don't agree with that statement and it's not how it was originally written either. 

The original source says 
The idea of “the one” is romantic, but not practical. It’s based in fantasy.
How about that? 

The essay I found on the subject reads
There shouldn’t be a “perfect” image of anything that we’re chasing after in life, as it’s so clear to all of us how very un-perfect life often proves to be. 
Shout out to Chelsea here.
They're both right. They are, really. But the essay also says
Perhaps “settling” in some way is an essential part of falling in love — as that person equally “settles” for you, knowing that no one is perfect but that this particular person is someone for whom you want to try to be better.

And then there's no right thought process immediately after that because they all go through "... That... that's pretty much what SmTn said..."

Also in my internet wanderings today was cosplay and found a post about the objectification of women in cosplay, pointing out
But that does not mean we have to put up with shit that crosses the line, it does not mean we owe them a fantasy, it does not mean we dress up to have guys drooling over us and letting us know that we turn them on.
And here's to Mandy. Cheers!
Oh, dear. It's late. It's midnight and I'm on page fucking two and won't sleep at all tomorrow, will I? I'd better set up an alarm for 6am. I'd make it 5am but I've still got some post writing to do before I can leave this alone.

This is all going into my story, you know, when I actually write it. It may be Demo-inspired, but with a twist. Or it may be what I had in mind about telling the story of cast dream characters. I don't know just yet. I need the idea to take form in my head before I commit to it in words.

Back to my point. SmTn is my fantasy, the closest I've ever been to meeting "the one." Duh. Have you not been reading my previous posts? I think it's fair to state SmTn fantasised about me too. The nature of the fantasy is not something I'd dare put into words, but he did mention a very special connection he'd only felt once before. And not. with. his. girlfriend. (You're going to ask, aren't you? *sigh* He said the last time it had happened it had ended in heartbreak. It had ended. In heartbreak. Ergo not the woman he's currently with.) Maybe that doesn't make me literally "the one" but it kind of hints at a similar idea, doesn't it? NOT THE POINT. It's all fantasy. It's a mutual fantasy, but a fantasy nevertheless and the fact that it's a shared delusion doesn't make it any less true that it's not a practical thing to bring to life.

Moreover, mind that cosplay quote up there. I have no right to drool over how perfect SmTn is because the fact that he embodies a fantasy of mine doesn't mean he has to do what I'd expect fantasy SmTn to do (like leave the girlfriend/wife/partner-person and run off to wherever I am and teach maths and live with me happily ever after). It also has implications on SmTn's mention of dark red lipstick and further proves I did the right thing (however painful) stepping down/away. 

Though that mention of the person who makes you want to be a better you does sound reminiscent of "the one" and makes me want to write a whole post about "What if he does exist? What if there is such a person as 'the one' and you've actually met him/her?" Well, if you did, you're most likely not asking yourself such silly questions because you're happy in love in a relationship that does not require the mental work that goes behind wondering if the kind of perfection you live in is even possible. Don't shove your happiness in other people's faces. We don't take kindly to it. The point being that if there is such a person as "the one" for you, and you're not with him/her, there's a reason for it. It's not fucking practical. Sure, sure, "not practical" doesn't mean it's not ideal. Of course it is. But you shouldn't let yourself compare anything in real life to that ideal because it's not fair to real life. The media-fueled hope in the back of my mind is that if it's meant to be, things will sort themselves out so that SmTn and I can be together. Rational me (usually) knows better. 

It's actually stronger than that. You know how you're supposed to decide what you want in a relationship before you get yourself into one? You know how I said I don't have to settle for people like D because I've met someone who embodies "the one" and now I know I don't have to settle for less? I may have to tone that statement down a notch. Only one, though. I'm not getting myself involved with people like D. Or even LesMisGuy, for that matter (even though I still like him more than I'd care to admit). I can't compare future men to SmTn because, as real as our exchanges were, they were all part of a fantasy. 

I sometimes wonder if he's reached a similar conclusion regarding me but then I have to remember his thought process may be completely different to mine because there's no indication he had gotten himself as involved with me as I was with him. Something about eggs and baskets. 

I wish you the best, darling SmTn. I really do. 

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