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Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Wrong is right and right is wrong. Awesome.

Today's random, somewhat creepy-because-it's-obsessive fact is brought to you by Facebook. It's now been so long since I actively looked for LesMisGuy that I now have to type his full first name and the first three letters of his last name for him to show up. As far as Facebook is concerned, I'm over him. Or, you know, I have gone out of my way not to stalk him. Either way, I'll pat myself in the back for it. 

On to the title of this post. We have two situations:

1) ON complimented my nail polish colour today when he noticed it as I wrote on the whiteboard. It's not unlike when the gym trainer noticed my nails and complimented me for them, something I felt uneasy about but eventually grew used to. This time I'm not very proud of my nails because, even though the colour is quite fabulous, the application isn't that wonderful (I already have patches and holes and chips adding to the bubbles). So, I thanked him politely and felt awkward about it because I can't take a fucking compliment. I don't think I deserve it and it makes me a bit uneasy to know he both noticed and thought of saying something. Am I supposed to notice something about him and compliment him too? How does this work? Will someone please explain human interaction to me? While we're on the subject, as we whispered and mocked the stupid students who thought we wouldn't notice them cheating during today's impossibly easy, how-dare-you-cheat-you-fools exam, and I'll admit it was mutual, we leaned in quite close to each other. Mostly so we could whisper and hear one another. But it was close enough that I could feel his arm hair against me and I knew it was too close. Not entirely as uncomfortable for me as you'd think. Make of that what you will. 

2) I chatted with SmTn today. We talked about maths, and black holes, and politics, and about journals (and their evil ways) and about the ethics of patenting maths. I couldn't stop smiling. There were a couple of times when we made allusions to the same thing almost simultaneously, and, when we were saying goodbye, we actually said goodbye the same way at almost the same time (I had to correct/check my spelling). Then we said goodbye again and he used the exact same phrase I would have used then (except I didn't yes I did, I just double checked). I don't think this had happened to me since EBF and the mention of jellyfish. It unleashed thoughts I usually don't dwell on for too long. I thought of how...

It's not that being friends with him is bad. It's wonderful. It's not that talking to him is bad, it's always lovely. It's not that we talk of anything inappropriate, friends being sentimental is still within the realm of being friends. It's not that we flirt, but that it feels like it. It's not that anything can happen, I know it won't. It's not that I think he'd break up with his girlfriend to be with me if given the chance (he likely enough wouldn't), it's that I want him to/want to believe he would. Maybe this connection we have was a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe he was right from the beginning and I just didn't see it. It's just that... the closer we get, the more I let the crazy thoughts linger. It's time wasted, thinking of things I know can't happen, but I spent the better part of my day today thinking of seeing him and holding my hand mid-salute, and him putting his hand on mine (like when we last said goodbye), then hugging him. And then we chatted and... *sigh*

He's still one of the nicest people I know. He's still a wonderful friend and lovely person. He gets me like no other. Even when I think I'm not letting on all that much. He has his fingers crossed for my interview to lead to a job. He talks to me about maths and even though I can only understand the very essence of what he's trying to do (not that I'd know a thing about any of the things he mentions, I only grasp what I can from his beautiful analogies and examples), I enjoy it. Because I'm passionate about maths and he's the last person I can count on to share my inner nerd. Because I love his examples and analogies and he's patient and sweet when he's explaining new concepts to me. I respect his opinion even when it doesn't quite agree with mine and he respects mine even when it's foolishly naïve/idealistic. He's one of my best friends (if not my best friend at the moment) and I feel conflicted about being friends with him in the first place. But I adore him. I really do. I'd even go as far as saying that I love him.

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