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Thursday, 31 October 2013

Scary

Want to know what's scary? What's keeping me up tonight? Worse than ghosts or nightmares?

Debt.

Through my by-the-rules insistence, afraid to make the debt worse, my parents are as of November stuck paying more bills. Bills I'm sure they won't be easily able to pay. I've been thinking about it. Even if I ask for money for Christmas, even if I buy nothing but chocolates for everyone for my remaining Christmas presents (except aunt MT, I'm getting her Nars' Heat Wave lipstick), even if I use the money in my modest piggy bank and it were somehow magically enough to make the smallest of the debts go away, it wouldn't help much. The smallest of the debts is also the most ridiculous one, because it's somehow set to be paid in ten fucking years and though it's been paid every month for at least a year now, which should amount to at least a quarter of what it was originally, I'm sure we haven't made a dent on it. I'm actually a little afraid to know what is owed now because I'll find that my estimates are too low and I can't pay it in full yet. Even though paying it in full makes little difference because the new bills will come for five times as much money. Fuck.

Making matters worse, I scored an 85% in today's test. Which I sort of studied (crammed) for last night. Somewhat upsettingly, it was all just memorisation. Much more upsettingly, I could half-remember reading the passages referred to but couldn't remember what was in them (well done, brain!). The real kicker is that I didn't study earlier even though this time I was actually aware of the test. Worse still, I have done nothing to study for the test next week. Or is it the week after? Even if it's not next week, I should have a project idea ready then and I've done nothing of the sort. I haven't worked on the other project either. I can't even say I'm paying attention during classes because I find myself more and more lost in them. I'm either thinking of SmTn, not having friends, debt and other money problems, therapy (or lack thereof), Christmas presents, chez les A related problems, EBF, loneliness, and bloody money problems.

I failed to mention one of the therapist's pieces of advice: treating myself to something nice (could be just a cup of tea) on shitty days. I'm starting to feel bad about those. The problem with the therapist is that she doesn't seem to have had money problems. She can only pretend to understand them so much and then she goes out and says something like "Don't worry about your student loans, your parents will pay for them. That's their job." Well, fuck, woman. I'm old enough and smart enough to realise they're literally living paycheck to paycheck on very unreliable paychecks and sometimes can't buy groceries on the last week of the month but sure, they'll fucking pull through because they're my parents. Even when I pile more debt on. I need to make a contribution somehow and right this fucking instant I don't even know if I'll have a job next semester or any of the ones after that. 

Shit, I haven't even talked to an academic advisor or planned out my semester next semester. Fuck. 

I want to just find stupid YouTube videos to fall asleep to, but I can't quite.

Freedom to move around town at will is still two months away. So is tango and so are all interesting activities. If they even allow it. I'm a full month and a couple of weeks away from leaving. 


I looked. In over a year, as far as I can tell, only 2/5 of the money paid has actually chipped away at the debt. Which is pretty much as big as always and can't be paid unless I forgo Christmas presents altogether and use whatever I'm given to pay for it (without emptying my bank account). Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.


To make matters worse, I know my parents won't sleep well tonight either. When working yourself to the bone is not enough, life just fucking sucks.

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