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Friday, 25 October 2013

Now, I write some more

Today's post starts with what I left out of yesterday's: therapy. I tried writing a list of the things I wanted to talk about in the very last minute but didn't really use it. We ended up talking about the usual and, towards the end of the session, the therapist said we could work on my social skills and learning to make friends and... "more than friends" (her shitty terminology, not mine). I thought it peculiar that she offered this last thing like some kind of prize and also like a necessity of sorts.

I was in a room full of allies today. Not so surprisingly, most of them were women. Somewhat surprisingly (and disappointingly) a good few of them were only there to fulfill some requisite for a class (they can't have been too passionate about). I can now say I'm slightly better educated on all things LGBTQ. 

I was also in what felt like a television show. A bad one from the 90s with a cartoonish therapist and two equally cartoonish girls with social anxiety issues. It's one thing if I can't talk to people and I'm socially awkward and too easily made uncomfortable... and it's another if they freak the fuck out in mock conversations with me and the therapist and each other. I'm torn between wanting to show up again because it might help them (and make the therapist's life a little easier) and not wanting to because I'm too lazy and I'm not 100% sure it's useful for my goals. I just don't know yet. I'd talk about it with the therapist but she's busy next week so we'll meet a week from Halloween.

I think it's worth noting that she can't seem to figure me out completely. She was surprised by the fact that I like Yelle (or said she was a French, female version of Mika) and she was surprised to see me wearing bright red pants. She'll eventually not be so surprised, I think. It may just be her ego and wanting to think she's got me all figured out. Not just yet. She'll get it pretty much bang on eventually, but not yet.


If you must know, I'm still upset about SmTn. Well, not about him, about the situation. I've reached the point where I overthink everything and I'm now beating myself up for saying "Thank you for being my friend" because it's fucking stupid. And I'm beating myself up even harder because he said he'd remember me with a smile. 

Fuck.

One a somewhat related note, I appreciate the fact that he didn't delete me from his contacts list and I can see him online all the time from his phone. Even if we never talk again, it feels like he's there with me in a way and it makes things a little bit better. It really is worth noting that, while seeing LesMisGuy or D around upset me enough that I cut all ties to avoid driving myself crazy, seeing SmTn just makes me smile. I see him there and it's almost as if we could still talk. Though it makes me sad to go through my day thinking of all the things I'd like to tell him about, knowing I never will, I like to pretend that since he's "there" I'm already sort of sharing. I don't know. This all sounds rather silly when I put it in words like that. 

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