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Thursday, 24 October 2013

Is this goodbye?

SmTn is not online. Which is to say... he is, he's just online from his phone like he always is but it's not the kind of online where he talks to me. And it could mean anything from "he's just not available to talk right now" to "he doesn't want to talk to me ever again (and with good reason.)" Well, the range isn't very broad, I'm almost certain it's one of those two. And I'm terrified because I really wanted to say goodbye. I really wanted to say... I don't know what I would have said. I don't know what he would have said but I wanted to read it. I'm terrible at break ups. Terrible!

I don't know what to do because my first impulse is to write him another e-mail or drop him a message asking if we can talk. Except I don't know what we'd talk about! I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't have just said everything in conversation form... I'm starting to worry that I should have said everything in conversation so he got to say what he needed to and I at least got to say goodbye. I'm freaking out because I didn't say goodbye!

It's not like he died or something! I'm the one who made the decision not to talk to him anymore! It's supposed to make me the bigger person, but I feel tiny because it means I won't talk to him anymore. What kind of fool tosses aside their best friend like that? What kind of coward leaves an e-mail saying "I'm going to avoid a conversation by just writing an overly-long e-mail about how we can't talk." What kind of idiot expects any response after such an e-mail?

Enter Barbra Streisand's "What Kind of Fool" song. Of course. 


(I could swear there was a version by her alone, without Barry Gibb... nothing against him, I love his voice, I just don't think it works in this particular song.)

And here I am in my office, waiting for him to talk to me, (half-)knowing (read: "knowing but not admitting") he won't. Starving because I didn't bring lunch and won't be back in the house any time soon. I guess it's a good thing I filled a drawer in my office with food for just such an occasion. I'm afraid to leave just yet because he might talk any moment now and I won't feel safe leaving until it's 5 or so. I... I want to say goodbye. I should have said goodbye in my e-mail! I should have waited to talk about it! I shouldn't be expecting to talk now! I'm a horrible person!

... Here they are. The feels... The feels! And I'm in my office for another hour and a half... just waiting to see if they have good reason to get worse!

[4:18pm edit]
He's online from Skype now. Not his phone. Online-online. 

He hasn't said hello yet. 


I so very much want to.

No, wait. It no longer shows that warning telling me to introduce him to Skype, it just says "Messenger." I don't know what that means. Except it doesn't say "(on a mobile device)" so maybe he really is online-online. Except online-online doesn't mean anything if he doesn't talk to me. And he's not supposed to. He shouldn't. He wouldn't want to. He most likely won't. 

Hi. If you're there... my last e-mail notwithstanding, do you want to talk? I'm sorry I just threw that at you like a huge bucket of cold water out of nowhere. For what it's worth, I wanted to say goodbye properly. I wanted to say...

You're wonderful and I love you.

I loved being your friend.

I adore you.

For what it's worth, I wanted to say goodbye properly. I wanted to say... I wanted to say nice things and I can't find the right words. 

Thank you for being my friend. You're one of the most wonderful people I know and I'm happy I met you.


He was there. He's online now and I can't hold back tears.

First thing he said to my first piece of message was "are you ok?" And... *swoon*. Also, *teary eyes* I asked if he wanted an honest answer and he understood the answer was no. I elaborated. He was about to send an e-mail.

Hi,
I'm sorry if I have said something that has made you feel uncomfortable. It has never been my intention. I'm a little surprised of the content of your email, but I kinda expected something like this to come up at some point. Guess it was inevitable.

Maybe it's best if I just wish all the best for you. You will do great :)



I will remember you with a big smile,

SmTn

I am now officially brokenhearted.


Oh, and

I'm sorry, Pf2. I know you could guess I was crying in my office and it must have been awkward. I promise never to make such unprofessional use of the office in the future. Thanks for respecting my privacy and not trying to talk to me until I left my office. 

PS: I'm sorry the exercises I've come up with aren't so medicine-y or quite as good as you'd like them to be. I'll try to make up for it with the next batch.

New song for the soundtrack is The Beatles' "Michelle."





[4:40:48 PM] Lina Fajardo Gomez: Hi. If you're there... do you want to talk? I'm sorry I just sent that last e-mail out of the blue like a huge bucket of cold water. I'm sort of regretting not waiting to have a conversation and letting you say whatever you had to say. I don't know if you have anything to say.

[4:41:47 PM] Tony Liimatainen: Hi I Was just about to email You.
[4:42:16 PM] Tony Liimatainen: Do you want me to send it or talk online?
[4:43:06 PM] Lina Fajardo Gomez: we can talk, if you like
[4:43:58 PM] Tony Liimatainen: Let's be quick then, could you wait a sec so that I log on with computer
[4:44:05 PM] Lina Fajardo Gomez: ok
[4:44:49 PM] Tony Liimatainen: hi, i'm here
[4:44:57 PM] Lina Fajardo Gomez: hi
[4:45:11 PM] Tony Liimatainen: are you ok?
[4:46:00 PM] Lina Fajardo Gomez: honest answer?
[4:46:28 PM] Tony Liimatainen: i take that as a no then
[4:46:55 PM] Lina Fajardo Gomez: I'm a little (more thana little, even) sad... but I stand by what I said and see no alternative
[4:46:57 PM] Lina Fajardo Gomez: how are you?
[4:47:17 PM] Tony Liimatainen: i'm ok
[4:47:25 PM] Tony Liimatainen: little disapointed
[4:47:29 PM] Tony Liimatainen: but i understand
[4:47:58 PM] Tony Liimatainen: Hi,
I'm sorry if I have said something that has made you feel uncomfortable. It has never been my intention. I'm a little surprised of the content of your email, but I kinda expected something like this to come up at some point. Guess it was inevitable.

Maybe it's best if I just wish all the best for you. You will do great :)



I will remember you with a big smile,

Tony
[4:48:08 PM] Tony Liimatainen: that was the email i was about to send
[4:49:04 PM] Tony Liimatainen: oh, i'm not disappointed in you, but the way things go in the world in general
[4:49:14 PM] Tony Liimatainen: reality is an itch
[4:49:40 PM] Lina Fajardo Gomez: she is... I'm not sure it makes a difference, but it's not what you said that made me feel uncomfortable
[4:50:29 PM] Lina Fajardo Gomez: I guess the best way to sum it up is to say that the situation as a whole is not ideal
[4:50:44 PM] Lina Fajardo Gomez: well, the context
[4:51:28 PM] Tony Liimatainen: yes
[4:51:49 PM] Tony Liimatainen: maybe it's the time to shake hands then my friend
[4:51:56 PM] Lina Fajardo Gomez: maybe it is
[4:52:01 PM] Lina Fajardo Gomez: For what it's worth, I wanted to say goodbye properly. I wanted to say... I wanted to say nice things and I can't find the right words. 

Thank you for being my friend. You're one of the most wonderful people I know and I'm happy I met you.

[4:52:15 PM] Tony Liimatainen: same to you
[4:52:34 PM] Tony Liimatainen: goodbye then
[4:52:40 PM] Lina Fajardo Gomez: goodbye
[4:53:42 PM] Tony Liimatainen: Well, I guess this is it
[4:54:13 PM] Lina Fajardo Gomez: I guess it is
[4:54:20 PM] Tony Liimatainen: Bye

[4:54:32 PM] Lina Fajardo Gomez: bye

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