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Wednesday, 9 October 2013

Insanity trumps insanity. Obviously.

I could be sleeping. I could be reading/studying to prepare for the research that's finally starting. I could be studying bioelectricity because it would be smart to do so before the next exam. I could be preparing for the class I'm assisting with, in case they need help with homework problems. I could be studying anything at all, really. I could be reading Les Misérables. I could even be watching porn and it would be more useful (and far less shameful) than what I've been up to.

You know how I let the cyber stalker in me out and I went after SmTn's girlfriend (possibly wife, actually)? You know how I've been obsessing about SmTn both because I'm prone to obsessing and because I really just can't get him out of my head? You know how I replay every way I can come up with to have that conversation and yet when I thought "Okay, let's do it" I came up with an excuse not to? Well, I'm... er... my excuses of the moment is that I'm waiting for an answer from a gay kind stranger. Not that he can tell me anything important, because I'm not sure what he can say to my last message, but I want some form of closure there before I go through with it. The unmentioned tipping point in deciding to talk to SmTn was the gay kind stranger asking me to tell him about the positive aspects of my friendship with SmTn. I may or may not have decided to tone down the talk so it's a bit more censored (I know...) and only asks him to cut out the mentions of dark red lipstick... which doesn't solve the secrecy issues or the fact that I'll continue to be the emotional mistress. It also means I would be reducing (I hope) my chances of losing him. Because all of a sudden I realised I still care too much and any excuse is a good enough excuse not to lose him.

Realising I was obsessing too much about SmTn, I used the House M.D. approach to curing his leg pain: he hit his hand with a hammer and I deliberately (and without major hesitation) cyber stalked LesMisGuy. When I saw pictures of him on Facebook my first thoughts/instincts were to kiss him (on the lips, his jaw line, his neck) and cradle my head in the nook between his neck and his shoulders. It's a kind of crazy I'd been keeping at bay for a while now. It's now 1:28am and you can see I'm not only not asleep but I also have managed not to do anything productive. If that were not enough, I actually lost whatever progress I'd done making my mind up about SmTn or getting over LesMisGuy Wonderful.

I didn't even write about aunt A's pettiness and negativity or how it's exaggerated by nice people around her (namely, not so much her married-to-a-rich-man cousin as her not-so-much-rich-as-intelligent-and-damned-adorable husband). The one thing to point out about the cousin is that she did not recognise me and was ever so slightly rude when she first saw me. She then switched on to being nice (the kind of nice that's not 100% genuine), complimented my looks and told me I must be quite the catch. Hah! Quite... 


Unrelated, sort of, when I think about them separately, it almost seems like my dreams about SmTn are telling a story.


Soundtrack of the day is "Someone New" by Eskobar and Heather Nova.



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