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Sunday, 27 October 2013

I want to write a story

Well, I do and I don't want to. I've done fuck all (useful) all day because I found the "Cooking with Dog" YouTube channel and you can waste so much time watching a gifted chef cooking next to a poodle. 

The story I want to write is about

Hold on.

I think I can half remember something from my dreams... except not quite. I had this notion when I woke up that if I'd slept only a short while longer I might have been able to make a wish and that wish would have been to meet with SmTn again. I'm not sure what the actual dream was or why it was too late to make that wish. 

Back to the story, it's related. I want to write a story about SmTn, like I did about LesMisGuy. With LesMisGuy I got some sort of closure and I'm hesitant to write one about SmTn because then it will be completely final. I will have to admit it's a lost cause and just move on because it's hopeless. Even now I find myself wondering if I won't, perchance, run into him (very, very unlikely). I ask myself what it would take to be anywhere he'd be and... well, I won't be. I don't think so. I still want to, though. While I could make it a story with an indefinite or ambiguous ending, that's not what I want for this one. I'm not quite sure how to put it in words just yet. I don't know what I want the story to be. I do know I've been watching The Swingle Singer's version of "Libertango" a few too many times. Too many because I've been watching it over and over trying to figure out what the blonde and the lead singers' stories are. Is it for the lead that she's alone and everyone else has a someone? Is it that the blonde took away her man or that she wants the blonde's man and it just can't be? I realise I'm projecting. That's why I know it's stupid to think too much of the way the blonde throws something at her mirror in a furious fit and ends up alone. 


The thing is... I'm not sure what I am to SmTn. He's happy now and he was happy when I met him. He did not at any point need me in his life. I can't give myself credit and say I somehow made his life happier because I have a cripplingly low self esteem and why didn't you guess that? My point being that he ended up where he started and nothing has changed for him. Except, by his count, he's now met two (pardon the expression) "soulmates." One of which led to heartbreak and the other one being me. He can't do anything about it because he's happily married (if you don't mind, I'll go ahead and just call it that). He doesn't need to do anything about it because he's happily married. By that logic he could, too, have just kept to himself in summer school and none of this would have happened. Except I asked for his e-mail address. I could have kept to myself but didn't because hopeless romance is what it is. And to him reality is a bitch but, as far as I'm concerned, his is a happy reality and I was just an alternate one, not unlike like a dream.

I'm the girl of his dreams. Don't be ridiculous, linaThumbe!

It is, to an extent, say that I'm just a figment of his imagination. He can fantasise about me and be silly with me and rant and tell me about his day and voice his opinions about the news in a way (I imagine) is similar to the way he would just think about them. All my nonsense, when it doesn't correspond to any silliness on his side, is just that: nonsense. So it's not Girl You Want and it's not Gala either. 

What kind of story can a dream character tell? What kind of story is available, other than what the dreamer can come up with? When I figure it out, I'll let you know.

[11:17pm edit]
I know. I should be writing my story, no less. Except that's a very general description, still. Is it fair to say that people in your dreams are characters? Yes, they're just figments of your imagination not unlike a character in a story, but are their lives tied to yours like they would be if you were consciously writing them down?

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