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Tuesday, 22 October 2013

Hormones are acting up against my better judgement

Why, yes, I did just leave a comment in that Guyspeak thread about raising awareness of eating disorders. Someone jumped in to let everyone know she loves to berate her guy friends when they look at glossy pictures of women in magazines because obviously everything's wrong with your life when you look that good. My point boils down to this: they're just lucky to look good (no need to assume the worst of them to "even things out") and they don't actually look that good. They look better than you and me and most everybody, but they're not as perfect as they pretend to be for a living. And that's okay, what's wrong is the media pushing their perfection as some kind of norm for what "beautiful" is and people actually believing such ideals are attainable. 

Says the girl with body image issues of her own and a bit of an eating disorder. I know.

Not entirely unrelated, I have a confession to make, dear blog. I, er... I ogled ON today. You know, I just asked a simple question, he put his hands behind his head as he stretched his back and I could not help but notice his arms. 

I didn't mean to ogle you, ON. You're a lovely person with a gorgeous smile and you deserve better. I'm so sorry.

I'll bow my head in shame now and again later when I'm done writing about some of the other crazy thoughts that have been through my head lately. Remember that guy in the nanomedicine class who sometimes (but ever fewer times) looks my way in class? He's kind of good looking but broken deep down, somehow (or so I wildly guess)? He's actually really smart (a lot of people on my side of the classroom are, it's actually quite nice). As in, he made interesting questions and got ahead of the professor in class and made nice contributions. I caught myself thinking thoughts I've thought of LesMisGuy about how sexy it is to be smart. I caught myself thinking of maybe asking him out and even saying a very cheesy line: "You know what? I bet you have a lovely smile." (What would follow then would be him smiling, then me smiling and everyone blushing and feeling warm, fuzzy feelings.) Then I stop to realise I don't know how to approach people. I don't know how to talk to anyone that hasn't been introduced to me previously or how to introduce myself to someone I have no business talking to. *sigh*

Not done with the confession, blog. I may or may not have entertained the idea of a Skype video call with SmTn where I mute the microphone and wear dark red lipstick. 

Shame, shame, shame. 

I have to blame it on hormones: I don't normally incur in squirrel logic. Which is funny because I saw two squirrels at the base of a tree, playing much like the ones in The Sword in the Stone (which probably played much like real squirrels... just like the ones I was watching). That's what made me realise what's going on: hormones. I've found myself thinking of interacting with people but not so much to make friends but with the idea of a boyfriend in mind and it's kind of twisted. I shouldn't dive in for a relationship when I don't even have friendships on the side to rely on. What am I supposed to do with a boyfriend, anyway? Don't have much freedom to go out, don't have much of a social life I can invite him to join, don't have much by the way of experience spending my time with someone else. Really, me...

Shame, shame, shame.

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